


The Hero's Way Out

by justmyluckiness



Series: The Hero's Way [1]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-01
Updated: 2016-02-19
Packaged: 2018-05-17 13:11:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 49,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5870938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justmyluckiness/pseuds/justmyluckiness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Faced with twin threats from Rumpelstiltskin and Ingrid, who each want her powers for their own gain, Emma's magic goes haywire and injures people she loves. Savior and Sheriff, she's duty-bound to protect Storybrooke from all threats and monsters, right? </p><p>Right?</p><p>Early Season 4, going AU between 4.07 and the first parts of 4.08 (The Snow Queen and Smash the Mirror).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so here's my first foray into the Once Upon a Time Fandom. I've been a huge fan of the show and the fanfiction for a long time, so I thought I'd try my hand at writing in this universe. 
> 
> This work is a bit of a change for me, where I spend most of it focusing on one particular character, Emma, and trying to get into her head. I've always felt they didn't really delve into her emotions enough, especially in the first half of Season 4. 
> 
> All credit is due to my beta, without whose effort this would be a mess of unreadable squiggles, mostly in crayon. The whole story is drafted, so it will be posted in its entirety. 
> 
> Standard disclaimer: I own nothing of the show, characters, settings, plot, or dialog, while I do borrow from them :) The same applies for the magnificent Billy Joel song "And So It Goes", which provided the lyrics I quote at the beginning of every chapter in this story. Any resemblance to any real people, places, or events is entirely coincidental.

_And so it goes, and so it goes  
And so will you soon, I suppose _

* * *

18 November 2014

“Hey, Henry! Here’s your French toast and your mom’s oatmeal,” Ruby greeted as she slid his breakfast across the counter to him and his mother’s oatmeal with fruit in front of the stool next to him.

He looked up at the werewolf waitress with a smile. His mom had gone to take a quick phone call, saying it was just a small Mayoral matter and then she would return. “Hi, Miss…well?”

“Just call me Ruby. That’ll be easiest,” she answered with a smile.

“Sure. Thanks for the food, Ruby,” Henry answered her smile with one of his own.

The slender woman seemed to have something on her mind, so Henry let her pretend to wipe the counter while she worked up to it. Adults, he had noted, sometimes needed the time to get their thoughts in order before broaching a subject. He used the time to cut his breakfast into bite-sized pieces.

Finally, she took a deep breath and spoke in a voice that would be too quiet for anyone else to hear. “So, here’s the thing: have you seen Emma recently?”

Henry frowned around a bite of the delectable food, trying to call to mind the last time he’d seen his mother. “Now that you mention it, about the only time I’ve seen her since the ice cave was when she blew a hole in the station wall and then knocked me across the forest. I know she was trying to find a way to stop the Snow Queen, but I haven’t heard much recently.”

Ruby’s furrowed brow matched his own. “Not since then?”

“Well,” he answered after swallowing another bite, “When everything happened with Marian and Robin, I figured my Mom probably needed me around more than anyone else, so I moved out of Grandma and Grandpa’s loft back to her house.”

“Really? What did your other mom – sorry, that’s just a little too weird – what did Emma say about that?” Ruby asked, putting her elbows on the counter.

“Well, I guess she looked surprised, but she said she understood why I wanted to, so she had to have meant it, right?” Henry asked.

With a look that was equal parts concern and pride, she gave him a nod. “You’re a good kid, you know? Just, if you see Emma, will you tell her to give me a call?”

Something in her tone gave him a brief pause, but he shook it off. “Absolutely. It’ll be the second thing I say, promise.”

“What’s the first thing?”

“That I missed her,” Henry grinned.

Just as he finished, Regina rejoined him at the counter. “Sorry about that, sweetheart. Someone needed my approval for something infinitesimally small.” The sight of Ruby and her son sharing a smile simultaneously warmed her heart and made her wonder what they’d been discussing that lead to the look. “Is everything all right here?”

“Absolutely, mom,” Henry beamed at her. “Ruby was just asking me how school was going.” He hated lying to his mom, but with the way she and Emma had been since Marian’s arrival led Robin to break off whatever he and his mother had been doing – Henry tried very hard not to think of his mother in that context under any circumstances – he didn’t want to raise any unnecessary tension until it became necessary. If it ever did.

Regina narrowed her eyes slightly as she detected a hint of deception. Ever since Henry had been old enough to know the difference between lies and the truth she could always tell when Henry was trying to pull the wool over her eyes. Enough light was shining from his own eyes in this moment that she shook it off, deciding it not worth pursuing. “Well you have much to be proud of, young man.”

Ruby tried to make sure her relieved exhale was too quiet for either Mills to detect. It wasn’t that she was exactly afraid of a confrontation with the once and current Mayor, but…it just wasn’t worth risking now, especially on the topic of Storybrooke’s seeming absentee Sheriff. “He’s a really smart kid, Regina. Maybe even smarter than me.”

Biting off the automatic retort that Henry was not only smarter than the waitress, but likely almost everyone else in the town, Regina merely smiled her thanks for the compliment. She truly was making an effort to be a kinder person.

The rest of the meal passed in relative peace. Regina noticed every time the lines appeared in Henry’s forehead, knowing he was puzzling over whatever he and the werewolf had been discussing while she’d been telling Snow to spend the school district’s budget however she saw best. He would tell her in his own good time, she knew.

* * *

Henry’s eyes opened with a start, taking in the blinding glare of fire on all sides. Flames licked around his legs as he coughed through a cloud of smoke. The return to the room of fire was surprising. The farther he got from his time under the Sleeping Curse, the more infrequent his trips became. Through his coughs, looked around to see if any other unfortunate soul had joined him in the dream fire room.

“Henry! As good as it is to see you, I wish didn’t need to be here,” Aurora smiled as she ducked under her forearm, blocking a hissing spark from burning her face.

“Hi, Aurora! I was starting to hope I was done with these dreams, no offense,” Henry replied, softening his comment with a halfhearted chuckle.

The princess returned his rueful humor. “None taken, I assure you. I don’t know how long our time here will be, so I have to tell you something right away.”

He tried to stand taller, hearing the worry in her voice. “What’s wrong?”

She gestured to the corner, where a shadowy figure crouched motionless. “There’s another person here. Someone else is under a Sleeping Curse.”

Taking in the unmoving figure, Henry tried to move over to them, but a wall of fire rose to block his progress. “Have you been able to see who they are? Are they from your world or mine?” he asked through another smoky cough.

Aurora shook her head, coughing as a cloud of smoke temporarily enveloped her. “Not at all. Every time I’ve tried to move over there, the same thing happens to me as just happened to you. The flames shoot up to prevent me. I don’t have any idea who they are or where they call home, we need to search Storybrooke for someone under a Sleeping Curse. They need our help.”

“I’ll tell my Mom and grandparents,” Henry promised, “If there’s someone in trouble, they’ll find them. It’s kind of what we do,” he gave her a confident grin that belied his own uncertainty. Another falling beam – he shook off the momentary thought that only a magic room could continue existing when the beams supporting it seemed in constant danger of collapse in from fire damage – made him duck out of the way, so he almost didn’t hear her answer.

“Well do I remember their dedication to getting back to each other,” she smiled kindly at him. “I have to go now. Phillip promised to wake me after a short time. I’ve been hoping to see you or Snow here to pass along the warning.”

“I understand. We’ll do what we can. Hopefully the next time we see each other here, there will only be the two of us,” he replied.

“Farewell, dear boy,” Aurora said with a small wave.

He had just gotten his own arm up to return the parting gesture when he gasped, sitting bolt upright in his bed.

“MOM!”

* * *

Regina sat at her kitchen island, enjoying the quiet solitude of an early-morning cup of tea. It seemed to be one of the few pleasures left to her, so she was determined to continue in the face of both her personal disaster and Storybrooke’s newest crisis.

She snorted at the irony. For all the work she’d put into the cloaking spell that kept this world out of the town’s business, it was an abject failure at keeping the magically-inclined away. The Snow Queen. Elsa. Zelena. Pan and his tortuous goons. Her mother. Hook (she tried, she really tried to contain her snarl at the thought of the Handless Wonder). She might as well have taken out a travel advertisement in what passed for a news service in the Enchanted Forest and charged admission.

The timing couldn’t be worse. The Snow Queen seemed to be disturbingly adept at capitalizing on the personal turmoil keeping her magic from its usual lethal efficacy. The gods knew that the Savior – Regina was less successful at stifling the pang she felt every time her mind reminded her of Emma Swan’s existence – was next to incapable of harnessing her truly staggering magical capabilities to combat Frosty the Snow Bitch.

Emma Swan.

Regina grunted, a most undignified sound not worthy of a queen to utter, but she hadn’t been royalty for decades and she was alone, so she indulged her baser side. Her morning now ruined, she allowed her mind to tread the well-worn territory of Emma Swan’s unwitting betrayal. Unwitting, Regina snorted again. As if anything that any of the Charming clan ever did was witting. They seemed to bumble along into their happy endings no matter their own incompetence, whereas Regina herself seemed fated to never live the same kind of bliss.

“Once an Evil Queen, always an Evil Queen, I guess,” she murmured to herself.

She had been so sure that Robin was hers; Tinker Bell and her damned fairy dust true love detector said so. The lion tattoo was supposed to be the indicator. A fat lot of good that had done her. A few scant weeks of happiness, learning to thaw the ice around her heart as she spent nearly every waking moment of every day trying to honor Daniel’s memory and last words asking her to love again wasn’t nearly enough.

The Savior had to go and continue her family tradition of ruining Regina’s happiness in the name of doing some kind of nebulous good. Of course Robin Hood was too noble, too loyal to his code to ignore vows made to his wife brought back from the dead via magic.

The worst part of it all was that there was no one for Regina to blame. The Savior – somehow it was easier to think of the blonde Sherriff by her titles rather than by name – did what a Savior should do, and rescued a woman meant for execution. She hadn’t even stopped to ask her name before breaking her out of Regina’s own dungeon. Robin honored his marriage vows despite his heart. And she was left alone as always. She couldn’t stifle the pang of guilt when she thought of her last interaction with the Sheriff, verbally tearing her to shreds in a bar before teleporting back to her mansion. She’d overreacted, but it seemed to be the only way she could act.

About the only good thing that could be said to have come out of the entire debacle was Henry’s increased presence in her life. Taking another sip of tea, Regina acknowledged that it was done out of pity at first, that he couldn’t bear to see his mom unhappy and alone, but she was still grateful. He was her one remaining joy in life and she was determined not to allow any of the negatives swirling around her to sully his presence.

Just as she was about to finish her drink, a shout from the upper story of the mansion startled her sufficiently that she dropped the cup, which shattered on the granite countertop.

“MOM!”

A sound she sarcastically equated to a herd of elephants tromping down the stairs followed his shout. Within moments, Henry skittered to a halt in the doorway, stopped by her outstretched arm. “Stop!” she called. “I have to mop up the tea and brush up the fragments so we don’t get cut. What was so important that you had to wake up half the neighborhood to tell me?” She moved to reach for the small dustpan and brush they kept under the sink for small accidents like the one she was trying to contain.

“I had another fire room dream,” he answered, still trying to catch his breath from the run downstairs.

Immediately Regina’s ire turned to concern as she dropped the cleaning implements on the floor and rushed over to him. “Oh, Henry. Did you get burned at all?” She grabbed his arms, turning them to check for potential injuries.

All boy, he shrugged off her ministrations, gesticulating wildly as he told her why he yelled out. “No, Mom, I’m fine. Listen, it was what I saw in the room that I had to tell you. Aurora was there and she had a message. She showed me someone else in the room who wasn’t moving or talking. When I tried to see who it was, the fire blocked me. Aurora said she’s seen them in there before, and the same thing happened to her when she tried to see who it was. She and I think the person might be here in Storybrooke. We need to start looking for them!”

Regina stared at her son, the implications of his Curse-dream sinking into her consciousness. “Oh, my. That’s awful! I haven’t heard of anyone going missing recently, but you’re right. Once we deal with the Snow Queen, we have to find out who’s been cursed.”

But Henry shook his head, moving around the other side of the island. “No! Don’t you see? We can’t wait that long! With the Snow Queen, we need everyone we can get on our side! Can’t you ask Blue or the other fairies, or even Red to do a search while you and Em – while you handle the Snow Queen?” Henry flushed at his slip, knowing things were still jagged between his moms, but didn’t try to ignore it.

Regina pursed her lips, not acknowledging the mention of the Sheriff, but not ignoring it either. “Okay, Henry. I’ll talk to Blue today. She might know of any extracurricular magical activity like a Sleeping Curse going on here in town. Your grandparents are supposed to pick you up from school today, so you can tell them what you told me. Who knows, maybe they’ll even have a halfway decent idea for how to conduct a search under the Snow Queen’s nose?”

The boy grinned, knowing that while they’d come to a tentative peace, his mother still felt out of sorts around Snow White and Prince Charming. “That’s a great idea, Mom. We’ll call it Operation Possum.”

Seeing the humor in the name, Regina returned his smile. Being included in one of his Operations was exactly the balm her battered psyche needed after the jarring morning. Ruffling his hair, she cleaned up her mess and made breakfast.

Another day was underway.

* * *

11 May 2014         

_Outside Granny’s Diner_

“You did this!” Regina channeled every bit of the shock slowly morphing into rage into her accusation. She was gratified to see Emma quail in the face of simmering anger that threatened to boil over with every second that passed.

Emma reached out for Regina, but when she saw the hostility in the older woman’s posture, stood stock still. She was dimly aware that her mouth was opening and closing like a demented goldfish as she searched for something, anything, to say that would stem the tide of Regina’s betrayed fury. “I just wanted to save her life.”

Rather than put out the fire in front of her, her feeble protest acted like gasoline. Regina’s eyes flashed and crackled as her hands clenched. “You’re just like your mother; never thinking of the consequences.”

“I didn’t know,” Emma tried, knowing how weak it sounded even as her arms fell to her sides. She would never be accused of eloquence even on her best day, but this was far from her best day. The words to express how deeply she regretted her inadvertent mistake, even trying to take one more soul off Regina’s conscience as she had been.

If anything, Regina’s sneer grew. “Of course you didn’t. You Charmings are all the same. You all act before thinking of the consequences for anyone besides yourselves and your damned happiness. Of course the stupid Savior, daughter of Snow White just couldn’t leave well enough alone. First your mother took away my first love, then you decide to bring back my pixie dust-foretold True Love’s wife from the dead!”

Dread, already settled low in her stomach at the realization of what she’d done, grew exponentially as Emma heard Regina’s perspective on her accidental betrayal. Helpless in the face of a truly angry Regina, she flailed about for the right apology. “Regina, I would never have done this to you on purpose, you have to know that.”

Regina gave a hollow, dark laugh. “Well, of course the Savior wouldn’t try to cause pain! Of course she only wants to do good deeds. What happens to those of us caught in the cross-fire? What happens when the Savior takes away someone’s happy ending? Oh, wait,” she continued, bringing her finger to her chin in a mock pose of consideration, “that’s right: I’m the Evil Queen. The villain, and villains don’t get happy endings. So, really, you were doing good from start to finish here Ms. Swan.”

Emma shook her head as if to physically rid herself of the notion that Regina was still the Evil Queen. “You don’t really think…”

All trace of false casualness fled Regina’s body. She tensed up, and it didn’t take Emma much concentration to sense the viper coiling before her, ready to strike.

“What I think, what I know, is that you are nothing more than a waste of space in this town, Ms. Swan. You’re a waste of time, _my_ time, and you need to understand that.”

Hearing those words from the one person Emma desired to call a friend more than any other in Storybrooke shattered what was left of her heart. Without conscious will, memories of the worst of her foster homes flashed in front of her eyes, the same words Regina just said echoing through the years.

_“You’re not worth more than the check we get for having you here.”_

_“You’re a waste of my time.”_

_“No, we can’t go get you new clothes. I don’t care if your jeans have holes in them. New clothes are a waste.”_

_“We’re going to have a baby of our own, and we can’t afford to waste any space in our house. I’m sorry, but you’re going back to the group home.”_

And on, and on, and on. Regina’s insults echoed every put-down, every insult, every time she just wasn’t enough for a foster family. Every time she heard those words, another piece of her chipped away, leaving her less than she had been. Emma shrugged each one off, tried not to let them get to her, but after years of hearing the same things over and over, it just became part of herself. Part of who she was.

Hearing Regina echo the same words she’d heard all her life was worse than hearing them the first time. From the moment she’d arrived in Storybrooke, she knew Regina was a force not to take lightly. Even when they were at each other’s throats, she respected the older woman. When they’d started to work together, Regina teaching Emma about magic as they worked to save first Storybrooke and then Henry in Neverland, Emma’s esteem of Regina only grew.

It was that same respect that made her break into a thousand pieces with each new venomous word from Regina. Through the haze of shock that had taken over her system, she again reached out. “Please, Regina, don’t do this. Don’t…”

Regina cut off her reply, jerking back from Emma’s touch like she was poisoned. _“Don’t you dare touch me!”_ she yelled. “Get this through your thick blonde skull, Ms. Swan: I don’t need you. In fact, Storybrooke doesn’t need you! We could get a chimp to do the Sheriff's job, and I wouldn’t even be surprised if the paperwork got done faster.”

Emma gaped, hearing her darkest insecurities dragged into the light of day, old scabs torn off to bleed anew. A dangerous glint came into Regina’s gaze, and somehow Emma knew she was gearing up for the killing blow.

When she spoke, it was in a deceptively calm tone. “I’d even go so far as to say that your own parents don’t even need you anymore. They’ve probably got their hands full with that new baby of theirs, wouldn’t you say?”

Regina’s words crashed into her with a near-tangible force. Her mentor, hero, and friend, had just confirmed her deepest doubts with a smile on her face. Regina couldn’t have done her more damage if she’d tried. All her dreams of a happy life in Storybrooke blew away like dust on the breeze, but Emma marshaled her strength for one more try. “Regina, please, please don’t say that. Please,” she begged, abandoning all dignity.

She reached out one more time for a hug to apologize, but Regina held up her hand. “Don’t. Don’t touch me. Don’t talk to me. Don’t call me. As far as I’m concerned, you’re nothing. You don’t exist.”

And she vanished in a puff of purple smoke, leaving a shell of a woman wondering where her happy return from the past had gone so wrong.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here we are, back with another chapter! Thank you to everyone who commented on and subscribed to the first chapter. I'm really thrilled that this story got such a warm reception.
> 
> This chapter delves a little more into Emma's background, and explored a bit of her reactions to the people in her life.
> 
> As before, none of this would have been possible without my wonderful beta.
> 
> I own nothing of the show, characters, setting, plots, or dialog, even when I borrow from them :) Any resemblances to any real people, places, or events is entirely coincidental.
> 
> Enjoy!

Chapter 2

* * *

_But if my silence made you leave  
Then that would be my worst mistake_

* * *

29 September 2014

Hate.

It was such a strange word to fixate on, but that was the concept running through Emma’s mind the entire night as the clock slowly ticked through the hours.

Shortly after Henry went to bed, Emma found herself in a very familiar place, both literally and figuratively. Snow and David’s loft had one feature that she found herself using more than any other: the lovely bay window looking out onto the street had rapidly become her favorite place to sit and contemplate the absurdity that had become her daily life.

As soon as the door to the bedroom she shared with Henry closed, she turned the lights out and gravitated to her thinking place.

She tried to figure out the look she saw on Regina’s face, but kept coming back to the same answer.

Hate.

Anger was there, for sure, but anger didn’t encompass the depth of the passion in Regina’s eyes. Emma had been angry before, of course. She had a very short temper behind the wheel, but someone cutting her off in traffic generally did not make her want to eradicate them from existence. Disappointment and disgust were there, too, but overshadowed by the betrayal and rage that colored Regina’s normally warm espresso eyes made it a more dangerous mixture.

Emma was no stranger to any of these expressions, having seen one or another far too often for her own liking. Most people were too hypocritical to articulate their disdain, only showing their true feelings through how they treated her. The only commonality between emotions and expressions was the way her lack of self-esteem was reinforced every time.

The self-loathing weighing her heart down was as familiar and painful as the worn out pair of shoes she’d had to wear all through her teenage years, since none of her foster families would even consider thinking about spending money on her shoes. She concentrated on the self-hatred, relishing the pain. For many years it was what kept her safe; the constant reminder that she wasn’t good enough for friends, for love, or especially for a family. She wore it like her red jacket, an armor of pain that kept her heart from shattering into a thousand pieces.

Looking over at the high ledge above the kitchen cabinets that she’d converted into a feeble attempt at a liquor cabinet, Emma contemplated pouring herself a drink. Being Sheriff, even the Savior, in a small town didn’t pay all that well. Combine a meager salary with years of enforced frugality where the rumblings of a hungry stomach taught her early on never to waste money on frivolities instead of her next full meal, and she was almost physically incapable of spending money on nonessentials. Balanced precariously on the ledge were various bargain labels of rum, whiskey, vodka, and tequila. No premium brands here; she only tasted those at Regina’s – at the Mansion, she corrected herself, trying not to think of her colossal mistake.

A drink sounded like exactly what she needed. She reached up with her left hand to grab the cheap bourbon and a glass out of the cabinet with her right. Pouring a drink, Emma watched the dark amber liquid splashing around her glass. She capped the bottle and put it back on the shelf. Watching the whiskey swirl as her hand gently warmed the grains, the aroma gradually wafted to her nose.

Unbidden, she flashed back to being fifteen years old in a shabby living room in North Carolina. Her alcoholic foster father from the time was lunging toward her, leering at her so grotesquely that she had to fight back the urge to vomit. A quick knee to the groin and elbow to his nose as he bent over finished off his advances. As she grabbed what few possessions she wanted to take with her and made for the front door, his voice calling out after her stayed with her, haunting her every time she wanted to hope for something good for herself.

_“You’re a worthless slut! You’ll never be anything more than a spread pair of legs!”_

Emma caught herself out of the memory, grabbing onto the counter for stability. She shook her head clear of her demons, but when her gaze fell on the glass in her hand, her stomach roiled so violently she poured the drink down the drain. “Not a good idea tonight, Emma,” she said to herself.

Not only was she the only awake adult, and thus responsible for Henry’s wellbeing, having a drink would just dull her thinking. If there was ever a time she needed a clear head to think about everything that had happened in the previous twenty-four hours, it was then. The fact that alcohol would only dull the pain that she was fully determined to embrace was a thought she brushed aside the moment she had it.

Moving back to the bay window after turning all the lights in the apartment off, Emma thought back again to the day’s events.

The disgust she saw on her former mentor and friend was the exact same look she’d been given from a group of the most popular girls at one of the schools she’d attended when she tried to sit down at their table with a grin that felt far too cheery. They had taken one look at her scuffed shoes, threadbare jeans, and ratty shirt and collectively turned their noses up at her. The self-appointed leader, one Brittany Johnson, asked in her haughtiest voice how some foster kid from the group home – making it sound as if group home was somewhere below mental institution – could dare to sit at their table. Off Emma’s stammered reply, Brittany’s scornful laugh and the sycophantic cacophony of the other girls joining in – chased her away from the table. It was one of the only times in Emma’s life she’d wasted food, as she’d dumped it in the trash on her way to find a refuge from the mocking, far too upset to even finish her lunch.

Pity came in many forms. Every time she got sent back from another foster family to the group home, she felt their pity. The families all mouthed the right empty words, but when it came down to it, none of them wanted a child as old as her with rapidly growing abandonment issues. The teachers at her many schools all pitied her as she struggled to keep up with classmates that all had parents who could afford the supplies they needed, who weren’t moved around too often to be bothered to learn the syllabus or do the homework.

Once she’d grown into her looks, Emma quickly grew accustomed to the lustful leers of the male population. The only time she was glad to have older foster sisters was when she overheard them talk about how most guys were complete bastards who just moved on when they’d gotten what they wanted. One girl even ended up with a child of her own in the group home. Emma paid attention and learned that dire lesson well. Her pants stayed on no matter how ardent the advance.

The betrayal on Regina’s face hurt more than anything else about the accidental mess, because it was the exact same expression Lily had worn when she left her at the bus stop. The act of rescuing someone slated for execution. Emma wronged a woman she considered a friend, no matter that it was accidental, out of self-defense or a desire to save another’s life or not; she still caused harm to someone she cared about. For the Savior, someone destined to bring back happy endings, knowing that she’d ripped that away from someone important to her was the worst possible feeling.

And yet…

The last thing she thought she saw on Regina’s face might have been the actual worst. Disinterest. All her life Emma had to deal with the knowledge that she was never important to anyone. Found by the side of the road after being abandoned by her parents – she knew why now, but the scars of childhood ran deep – and then returned like a defective coffee pot by her first foster family when they had a child of their own, Emma had been hurt by anyone she tried to connect with before invariably being moved to another home. She’d never mattered enough to anyone. To see that same disinterest on Regina’s face cut her to her very core.

Only Neal had been different. From their very first meeting when she stole the same car he’d stolen he’d looked at her not with disgust, pity, or disinterest, but respect, care, and after enough time, something that she only called love in the deepest corners of her mind. And then he abandoned her. The man who professed his love and adoration left her to take the rap for his crimes. Months in prison and a baby she had no realistic options but to give up for adoption taught her the same lesson she’d allowed herself to forget: never trust anyone again. Don’t let her walls down enough to get let down by others.

And here she was, knowing that the best friend she’d had in adulthood truly hated her.

* * *

“Mom!”

Emma jumped at Henry almost shouting her name. “What?”

He shook his head, stifling a yawn. “I’ve been calling you for almost five minutes now. Are you okay?”

Giving him a shake of her own head, Emma offered a rueful smile, but an all-night pity party robbed it of most of its warmth. The growing light coming in through the window bore mute witness to how long she’d been sitting lost in her painful memories. “Sorry, kid. Long night. Guess it’s breakfast time, huh?”

She saw the moment the sleep cleared from his gaze and he really saw her. He flinched too fast to hide the reaction. Concern overtook his expression, and he softened from his previous impatience. “Yeah. Um, Ma? Are you sure you’re okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost or something. ”

 _Got to make sure I get some makeup to hide the evidence from last night before going to the station today,_ Emma made a mental note. “Yeah, I’m fine. I just had a hard time sleeping after everything that went down with your mom last night.”

Despite a half-second of scrutiny, Henry seemed to accept her explanation, sending relief coursing through her system. “So what do you want to do after school today? Hike in the woods? Movie night? Video games?” She had to stifle her eye-roll at how overly stupidly over-eager she sounded to be spending time with her own son. He lived with her full-time, after all.

“Actually, I was hoping to spend some time studying with Paige after school, if that’s okay?” he asked.

She smiled at him, hoping it hid her disappointment. “Your first crush. Sure, that’s okay. We’ll still get dinner, yeah?”

Her heart fell just a little bit as he looked down at his feet. “Well, if studying goes well, I was going to ask her if she wanted to swing by Granny’s before I come home. Could I borrow twenty dollars?”

“You’re abandoning me for a study date and asking me to pay for it? That’s cold,” she teased in mock outrage. “Sure, I’ll give it to you before school. Now let’s get something to eat,” Emma got up from her perch by the living room window and made her way into the kitchen, hissing at the way her joints cracked in protest of her long night.

After making Henry some scrambled eggs and toast – she was honestly trying to feed him healthy food according to Regina’s standards – Emma creaked her way into the bathroom to do what she could to stave off total exhaustion. She splashed cold water on her face before allowing her gaze to move to the mirror. When she saw her reflection, she jumped back. Her work as a bounty hunter often required all-nighters with only coffee for company, but the face that greeted her was worse than she could ever remember seeing. Dark circles, unusually pale skin, and haunted eyes looked back at her. It was no wonder Henry flinched. It was a testament to his character that he asked how she was – she’d have run screaming from the room if confronted with someone who looked like she did.

With a grimace and a sigh, she set out the makeup she would need to hide the evidence of her night and got in the shower.

* * *

After dropping Henry off at school, Emma made her way to the station dreading the day ahead of her. There was no chance that the day after her mistake at Granny’s followed by an entire night wallowing in her misery would be anything but awful.

And she was right.

It just happened to be a day that David beat her into the station and Ruby showed up to help out with the parade of villains. Add that to the normal amount of chaos in Storybrooke and all the parking spots in front of the building having been taken. With no spaces for her Bug out back, she had to park up the street and walk. When she got in, Emma saw a classic case of insult added to injury manifested in the empty donut box sitting on her desk.

“Aw, come on! Really?” she groaned, lifting the lid in a futile effort to find any hiding bear claws.

“Sorry, Em,” said Ruby with a semi-apologetic smirk. “I wasn’t sure when you’d be in, and I was hungry, so…”

She could either snap at Ruby, who meant no real harm, or laugh it off. She chose the latter, giving the werewolf a small wave. “No worries, Rubes. I had breakfast at home with Henry anyway. Probably didn’t need the sugar.”

She’d come into the station hoping to use the current chase for the snow monster and whomever created it as a distraction from her disaster of a night, but such was not to be the case. No new sightings had been reported, and search parties had turned up empty. After an hour of catching up on paperwork, she was reduced to trashcan basketball. Soon even that failed to keep her interest. Her boots hit the desk with a thud, causing David to look up from his own stack of paperwork with a small frown. “Sorry,” Emma apologized sheepishly.

As she looked out the window to find something else to do, a swirl of dark hair grabbed her attention. She strained to see who it was, but the hair was gone before she could identify its owner. Sitting back in her chair with a frustrated huff, Emma tried to think of what she’d say to Regina after the night before.

‘I’m sorry’ seemed far too inadequate, but nothing else even formed in her mind. Emma wracked her brains – literally scratching her head at one point – but nothing came of it. Eventually, she settled for staring out the window, picturing Regina and trying to form the right words to express her regret.

Eventually, a loud thump from behind her shook her out of her fog. When she looked back, she saw Ruby clicking away on one of the station’s computers and her father’s head on the desk. “David?” Emma called. “You okay?”

His head shot up. Looking around, David blinked owlishly for a moment before meeting her eyes. “Yeah, yeah, sorry. It was a bit of a long night with Neal last night,” he explained, yawning and rubbing his eyes, “Little bugger doesn’t like sleep yet. It’s just taking longer to get used to the sleepless nights than I thought it would. I’m surprised you didn’t hear him screaming.”

Since David’s eyes were closed, he missed Emma’s quick grimace, but Ruby didn’t. She gave her friend a searching glance, but Emma tried to shake her off. Ruby gave her a sympathetic smile before mouthing, “Talk to him!”

“I guess I was just sleeping extra deep or something,” Emma offered, ignoring the reason for her pangs.

Ruby rolled her eyes at her evasion. “Hey, David, Emma,” she started as she gathered her purse, “I think I need some more coffee. How about I run to Granny’s for some of the real stuff? You guys interested?”

As Emma shook her head, David blew out a huge breath. “I’d call you my own personal savior for some of Granny’s coffee,” he answered.

Emma’s eyes grew wide. Ever since the first curse broke, she’d been universally referred to as the town’s Savior. It had become one of the chief ways the townspeople showed their appreciation, other than being Henry’s birth mother. Hearing someone, her own father no less, call another person the title she’d come to think of as hers stung.

Naturally, Ruby didn’t miss that either. “I’ll, um, just let you guys get back to it. Back in a bit!”

The hesitance in her tone snapped David out of his sleepy stupor. After the door closed, he regarded his daughter. “Emma? Is something wrong?”

She forced a half-smile onto her face, slipping back into her old habit of hiding what bothered her. “Just a long night of my own, trying to figure out how to make it up to Regina.”

“You did the right thing, saving Marian from her death sentence. Even if it changed things here, you couldn’t have let her die,” he offered.

“I wish I felt the same way,” she murmured.

David brightened suddenly. “Tell you what: this search isn’t going anywhere right now. How about when Ruby gets back and we’ve had some coffee, we go out to the shooting range and get some practice in?”

This time her smile was full and unforced. “That’s actually always been one of my favorite things to do to blow off steam,” she confessed.

David’s answering grin bolstered her spirits far more than it should have. _I can do this. I can have a family, people that love me, people who won't leave, people who want me to stay. I can have this all._

_I don't have to be afraid of losing everything._

* * *

“Wow. I have to say I never expected that saying to be literal,” David chuckled.

Emma gaped, her semi-automatic still clutched in both hands and pointing downrange. “Did I just…?” she couldn’t even finish her question.

Fortunately or unfortunately as the case may have been, David was only too happy to jump in. “…miss the broad side of a barn? Well, since the department’s shooting range targets are attached to the side of an abandoned barn in the Storybrooke woods, and I don’t see any bullet holes in the rotting wood, yeah, pretty much. What’s been going on with you today, Emma? You’re rattled.”

After clearing the barrel, Emma flipped the safety on and re-holstered her weapon before flopping down on a fallen tree behind her. “I don’t even know, David. This whole thing with Regina has me going in circles.”

He sat down beside her, putting his arm around her, guiding her head onto his own shoulder. “It’s never easy to do the right thing, is it?”

“Was it the right thing, though? I mean, that woman died in the past, in the first timeline, right? So wouldn’t the right thing have been to let the same thing happen? Then Regina wouldn’t hate me, she’d still be with Robin, her soul-…,” for reasons better left unexplored at that particular moment, Emma’s stomach lurched so hard she couldn’t finish the word, “boyfriend, and then everything would be back the way it was. We might actually have a chance to breathe and exist in this crazy town.”

“I know. Doing the right thing is confusing sometimes, but you really did the right thing. Even if Regina’s mad now, she probably won’t stay that way,” he tried.

Emma’s face fell at the less than reassuring words. “I don’t know. You’ve known her longer than I have, back in the Enchanted Forest, even. Is Regina the kind of woman that forgives and forgets that easily when the women of our family accidentally cause her love life damage?”

David’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline as he took in her words that were probably more biting than she’d honestly intended. “I,” he started to say, but his ringing phone cut off any reply, “Sorry, I have to take this. It’s your mother.”

With a nod and a wry chuckle, Emma stood up to let him take Snow’s call and walked back to the shooting range. Putting her earplugs and headphones back on, she made short work of reloading her clip from the ammo box on the sawhorse table to the side of the firing line. Checking to see that David was still on the phone, she was able to read his lips well enough to see that he was talking about her baby brother. Emma rolled her eyes as she turned back to the as yet unscathed targets.

She set her jaw and flipped off her weapon’s safety. Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, Emma visualized all of her insecurities, doubts, and self-loathing on the targets in front of her. It was easy enough when those same doubts whispered in her ear that she was less important as a daughter than as a savior to her own parents. Witness David’s taking the call from Snow and interrupting one of their few father/daughter moments. She set her jaw and, after blinking away something she would swear was not a tear, Emma brought her gun up in a two-handed grip with her feet shoulder width apart, taking the classic Weaver stance one of her bounty hunting mentors had taught her out of prison. She took aim and without stopping to think about anything other than the metaphorical act of shooting and killing her doubtful whispers, she fired off all thirteen rounds in less than a minute.

Dimly aware of shouting behind her, Emma took off her ear protection, cleared and safed her weapon, and made her way downrange to check the sheet. Dimly aware of high-pitched shrieking coming from David’s phone as well as his own deeper shouting, Emma was gratified to see that, rather than miss the sheet entirely, there was a single, large, ragged hole right where the bulls-eye used to be.

She turned to show David her success, but instead took a step back as he stormed up to her with a scowl taking over his face. “What the hell was that, Emma? I was on the phone with your mother!”

“You were behind the line,” she defended, “I wasn’t pointed at you, and I made sure I was taking every precaution!”

He shook his head. “Regardless, you scared your mother to death, and she was already freaking out about Neal. I have to get back to help her,” he paused to gather up his own shooting gear, “Listen, are you going to be okay? I know we were in the middle of something a little bit ago.”

 _See? They don’t care enough about you to help._ Emma shook her head, both to reassure her father and get rid of the whisper. “I’ll be fine. Much better after that shooting. Trust me, David, you don’t need to worry about me. At all,” she finished.

Something in her tone must have stood out to him, because he narrowed his eyes for a brief second. “I’m really sorry to dash off like this, but we’re having a hard time adjusting to the whole ‘new baby’ thing, your mother especially is having trouble. She keeps calling me about every little cough and sniffle.”

Emma felt a surge of pride that her smile remained in place and her eyes didn’t shoot the daggers she felt were ready to fire. _It’s not the first time a family of yours has replaced you with a baby._ “Don’t worry about it. Get out of here, and give Snow and the baby my best. I’ll just stay behind and fire a few more clips to make sure I really have my head on straight.” If he was going to treat her like a colleague, she would return the favor.

He narrowed his eyes at her again, but gave up trying to figure out what she meant. “Take care, Emma. Don’t worry, you did the right thing. Regina will come around.”

She just nodded and watched as he headed toward his cruiser. He never looked back, only regarding her when he was in the driver’s seat. She gave a small wave before turning and reloading her clip.

David’s car left the shooting area to the echoes of her shots ripping more holes in the targets.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are with another update. I'm so thankful to all the wonderful people who have subscribed and commented on this little work of mine. This fandom is so huge that finding even one person who enjoys my writing is fantastic.
> 
> I really wasn't going to post another chapter so soon but my little one has a 102° fever and I'm staring down the barrel of my second three-hour night's sleep in a row, so quite frankly, I could use the pick-me-up of reading your wonderful reactions to my story. 
> 
> This is a 12-chapter story of which 9 chapters have been drafted and beta'd, so I still have wiggle room to get on a regular posting schedule.
> 
> As always my beta is entirely responsible for the legibility of this chapter. I claim no ownership of the show, characters, plots, settings, or dialog, though I do borrow them from time to time. The same applies to the lyrics of the magnificent Billy Joel song 'And So It Goes' that I quote at the beginning of each chapter.
> 
> Enjoy!

Chapter 3

* * *

_And this is why my eyes are closed  
It's just as well for all I've seen_

* * *

29 September 2014

Emma returned to the station with several perforated target sheets but no answers. David's behavior had perturbed her more than she'd expected. Rather than silence the growing whispers in the back of her mind like she'd hoped, shooting with David had only increased their volume. Tossing the target sheets on her desk, she looked around the office area. With her father off helping her mother with her brother – she still had to shake herself to realize that really was her new normal.

She decided to take the cruiser out on a patrol of the town to search for the snow monster that was still somewhere in Storybrooke. The streets were blessedly clear of snow beasts as well as running citizens, and before long, Emma found the cruiser leading her to Mifflin Street. When she saw where she was going, Emma cursed her subconsciousness's seeming determination to drag her down.

She drove up to the Mayor's mansion carefully, swiveling her head between searching for any clue that Regina was home and looking for Frosty's bigger, badder cousin. Pulling up to the curb and going as far as to shut the cruiser off, Emma looked at the imposing building. She'd long since gotten used to its commanding columned façade, balcony, and exquisitely manicured grounds. From her brief trip to the Enchanted Forest's past, she could see how Regina deliberately designed the mansion to reflect some of the Enchanted Forest's more regal residences.

 _Speak of the woman and she appears_.

Emma brushed aside the wry thought at the sight of Regina herself in the living room window. Feeling brave, she offered a half-wave and reached for her seatbelt buckle. Before she could hit the release to approach the door, the curtains swirled shut. Emma's heart sank, but after coming this far, she figured she might as well give it a try anyway. Before she could form another thought, purple smoke appeared inside her cruiser, dancing around the corners of her eyes.

 _Regina's magic_ , she grumbled to herself. As soon as she realized the magic's source, her seat belt buckle refused to release. "What the fuck?"

Reaching for the door handle, she just caught purple smoke as it vanished. "Son of a bitch!" she cursed again as the door refused to budge. Regina had immobilized her in her own cruiser. The notion to reach for a gigantic hunting knife she kept in the glove box flitted in and out of her mind, but before she could translate impulse into action, more sparkly smoke swirled around her engine, which somehow – could magic even affect an internal combustion engine? – sputtered to life. Emma held her hands up in a comical gesture resembling surrender as the magic controlling her cruiser shifted the car into gear and started actually driving her away from Regina's house.

Expecting the magic to dissipate and leave her in control of the car, Emma sat back with a slack jaw as the cruiser expertly followed all traffic laws, stopping at every stop sign and streetlight, as it steered her back to the station. As frustrated as she was with the missed opportunity to begin repairing her friendship with Regina, Emma had to tip her cap for the creative way Regina got her to leave.

Then David radioed in that they'd found the Snow Monster in the woods and all hell broke loose.

* * *

29 September 2014

"Is it true? Is it true?" Henry asked as he bounced into the apartment's living room.

Unprepared for the explosion of excitement and with nerves still running high from the fight in the woods, Emma started up from her position on the couch. "Holy crap, kid!" she exclaimed, putting her hand on her chest in an attempt to calm her racing heart and catch her breath, "You scared the hell out of me!"

Henry looked a little guilty. "Sorry, ma. I just heard the news from Gramps. Did Mom really destroy the snow monster?"

Emma chuckled. "Yeah, she really did. The beast was about to step on Marian, but out of nowhere it just burst into pieces. When the smoke cleared, your mom was behind it. She roasted Frosty."

"Cool!" Henry grinned, but after a moment his face clouded. "How did she look?"

Furrowing her brow, she regarded her son. "I don't understand. What do you mean, 'how did she look?'?"

"Like, was she happy? Sad? Angry? How was she?" He pressed.

Pursing her lips, Emma tried to remember Regina's face after the magical ice and snow dissipated. "I dunno, kid. It's hard to say. She didn't exactly have an expression on her face, but if I had to put a name to it, I'd say she looked defeated more than anything else."

"Defeated? She kablooie-d a snow monster and she was sad?" Henry's eyes were bulging out, like he couldn't believe his ears.

In his defense, Emma was having a hard time with it as well. She watched as his expression went from confused to clear, as if he had a realization. "What is it?"

"Oh, nothing," Henry shrugged, obviously hoping she'd drop her questioning.

She folded her arms, fixing him in place with her tried and true 'perp glare'. "Nice try, kid. You're talking to the mistress of bullsh…baloney here," she said, covering her near-curse. Cursing in front of their son wouldn't help her get back in Regina's good graces. "Spill."

"I want to, I really do, but I've known my mom for a long time, even when I thought I didn't know who she really was," he argued, "I think I can help, I've got an operation planned out, but I need to talk to her about it myself, you know? "

His eyes were clear and serious, and her sometimes-wonky lie detecting superpower told her that he wasn't trying to deceive her. Emma sighed, running her hands through her hair. She wasn't wild about Henry not sharing his thoughts about how to get Regina to open up. The simple fact that he was refusing to share the details of one of his operations sent tendrils of worry snaking down her spine.

 _He doesn't need your help. He doesn't need you. He wants to go with the woman who raised him, not the woman who gave him up. The woman who gave up on him._ For the briefest minute she started to panic. Her stomach lurched, but she wrestled free of the doubts. "Okay, Henry. I trust you. See if you can reach her. God knows that if anyone can, it's you. Just…tell me if something goes wrong, yeah?"

Henry wrapped his arms around her after rewarding her with an ear-to-ear grin. "Thanks, ma. I promise I'll tell you if something doesn't sound right."

Emma focused her attention on planning what to eat for supper, banishing the misgivings still tracing around the hidden corners of her mind,. "Henry? Were you in the mood for anything in particular tonight?"

His grin intensified, if that was even possible. "Can we have mom's lasagna? I've been learning the recipe from her."

The doubts and whispers returned in full force. "S-sure we can," she answered, hoping her voice didn't actually sound as weak as it did in her head.

* * *

5 October 2014

A massive shiver rocked through Emma despite the presence of every blanket that could be found in the loft, hot cocoa, and a space heater. No matter how much she tried, it didn't feel like she could shake the cold from her bones. Snow, David, Hook, Elsa, and Henry crowded around her, trying to offer any help they could imagine she needed, a thought which should have warmed her more than the mountain of blankets and heater, but in reality was making it hard to breathe.

Emma had always worked to keep her past private. One of the first, and most impactful, lessons she'd learned in foster care was to hide who she truly was. If they didn't know anything about her, they couldn't use it against her. Bouncing around from one house to the local group home, running away, and then repeating the cycle all over again in a different area only reinforced that lesson. The lifers were the worst; compensating for a lack of affection by bullying and taking whatever they could from the younger and less powerful was commonplace. Consequently Emma had learned from a very early age not to tell anyone anything about herself, especially her fears. Once the bullies knew that, they could exploit them relentlessly.

Emma Swan, Storybrooke's savior and the daughter of Snow White and Prince Charming, was claustrophobic.

When she was nine years old, an older boy had locked her in a small crawl space under the basement stairs of her latest group home in Wisconsin. Four hours she'd spent in the dark, feeling spiders crawling over her feet a couple times and hearing the incessant pounding of feet up and down the stairs right above her head. He'd sat beside the door, telling anyone and everyone who'd come down to the basement rec room that he was 'punishing a misbehaver'. When she heard the boy leave his post, she tried to open the door, only to find that he'd locked it. Another half-hour of pounding, kicking, and screaming and someone finally came down and let her out. Her eyes blinked at the sudden light, and she twitched uncontrollably, still feeling the whisper-light brush of legs on her feet and webs in her hair. She was left to silently sob to herself all night, instilling and reinforcing yet another lifelong lesson: Emma Swan could only count on herself.

She kept her fear under control, mostly, by not allowing the thoughts of enclosed spaces to prey on her mind, but there were times when that struggle became too much. The fears of suffocating, being trapped and unable to escape, of being crushed to death, would overwhelm her mental defenses and leave her a hyperventilating mess. The few times she'd been in an enclosed space in Storybrooke – when Gold had double-crossed her and Regina in their efforts to recover the true love potion that released magic into the world, on the _Jolly Roger_ on the way to Neverland, and any time she had to visit Regina's crypt, she focused on the task at hand and not where she actually was. Denial was often an effective coping mechanism, even if it wasn't the healthiest way to go about overcoming a phobia.

As her family continued to press around her, she felt increasingly trapped. Her heart started pounding and her eyes jerked from one side to the other, looking for a way out. Only Henry saw it. Only Henry realized how they were suffocating her instead of helping. He took a huge step back and shouted over the din. "Hey! Everyone step back!"

When the crowd around her silenced, she gave her son a grateful smile, which he returned. Mostly.

"You're crowding her too much. She was freaking out," he went on in a calmer voice.

Somehow his words got through the overbearing concern, and silence took over. Emma felt her heart rate calming. "Sorry, everyone," she murmured, looking around at the group and giving Elsa an apologetic shrug, "after the ice cave, it's just a little much, you know?"

"Oh, Emma," her mo – Snow sympathized as she shifted Neal to one hip and moved closer once more. Reaching out, she brushed a blonde lock out of Emma's eyes as she attempted to offer comfort, "We just want to make sure you're okay. Every time we have a crisis and the world almost ends and you end up saving the day, it's just…I never got the chance to take care of you when you were a little girl, bandage your scrapes or kiss your boo-boos. I have that chance again with Neal here, but I still want to take care of you when I can. It's part of being a mom."

_She doesn't need you. She has the baby she always wanted now. You're more of a savior than a daughter._

"I didn't save the day today at all, MM. I was unconscious for most of it. David and Hook were outside trying to help me out of there, but the real hero today was Elsa for getting a handle on her magical powers and blowing a hole in the ice," Emma tried not to shake her mother off too obviously, shifting her shoulder to create some space and forcing herself to smile. She stood up, dropping the blankets back on the couch, feeling her walls grow thicker and stronger, the way they did whenever she hid her true self from people. "It's okay, guys. I'm good, promise. The blankets, cocoa, and heater really did the trick."

David looked at her before regarding the rest of the assembled group. "Let's give Emma some space for a few minutes and get some food ready. Snow, Henry, Hook, Elsa? Want to help me out here?"

Snow and Henry moved over into the kitchen. Henry took up a spot at the island, offering to kibbitz on dinner from his vast expertise on gourmet cooking learned from watching Regina. Hook didn't immediately join them, instead sliding closer to her on the couch. Emma felt her hackles rise with his increased proximity. "Once we have a bit of privacy, luv, I'll make sure you're nice and warm," he rumbled with what he probably thought was a flirtatious wink.

Emma knew she should be comforted. They'd never applied labels to each other, but she knew Hook probably thought of her as his girlfriend, so he was acting as a boyfriend should. It wasn't his fault that she wanted to pull away from his arm.

Still, she gritted her teeth as much as their chattering allowed and waited for him to join the group in the kitchen area. Sure enough, the increasing aromas of food pulled him away before long, leaving her relaxing into her solitude. After a few moments of blissful silence in the familiar refuge, tendrils of discomfort crept into her consciousness. Whereas Emma had always been most at home in a quiet, solitary existence, her recently reawakened insecurities were filling the previous gap in her head, whispering in her mind's ear.

_Not enough. Not enough. You'll never be enough._

Dinner couldn't come too soon..

The meal was a quiet affair, with everyone seemingly on edge. Hook kept sneaking looks at her that he only thought no one else could see. Henry was quieter than normal. She tried to draw him out of his thoughts, but he kept his attention focused on his plate. The wheels in his head were almost visibly turning as he considered whatever idea was foremost in his mind. Her parents tried to fill the gap by talking about Neal, engaging Elsa in an attempt to show her that there were no hard feelings from the ice cave incident, but it had a chilling effect on Emma herself. Seeing her mother again after a year was enough of a jolt to her system, but having her mother pregnant was a shock she couldn't have begun to prepare for. Naming the baby after her dead ex-boyfriend and having her brother be a constant reminder of her months in prison was an ongoing burden she was still learning how to bear.

Much later, when Hook had gone back to Granny's and her parents were asleep, Emma lingered on the couch, wrapped in blankets and clutching another mug of cocoa. The warmth was gradually returning to her bones, but she still couldn't seem to get comfortable. The strange tension at dinner was still niggling at her. She wasn't used to being so uncomfortable around Hook, but with as prickly as her insecurities were growing, something about his presence was putting her more on edge around him.

Just then she heard Henry's not-quite-soft-enough approach. Emma smothered her grin with her mug. Teenage boy that he was, her son wasn't exactly graceful on his feet yet. If his teenage years were anything like hers, he was in for some awkward times. Her smile faded as soon as she remembered what the rest of her teenage years were like: sleeping in her car, shoplifting, and a wrongful prison term. No matter what, Regina would make sure his adolescence was better than hers. For the way she raised him, no matter how much Gold influenced the whole process, Emma would forever be grateful to Regina.

Henry sat down on the other end of the couch from her, near enough to share the same space but far enough away to avoid crowding her. "Hey kid. What's up? Want to play some Mario Kart?" she rasped, voice harsh from a lack of use. She shook off a brief pang of self-loathing at how overly eager she was to spend time with her own son.

"Sorry, ma, not tonight. I just had an idea I wanted to run by you," he said, slowly. Cautiously. Like he was feeling her out for a reaction he wouldn't like.

Emma shifted in her seat, discomfort growing. "I kinda figured you were running something through your head. You weren't really here at dinner tonight," she teased, trying to lighten the atmosphere.

It didn't work very well. Henry gave her a smile, but it was a weak effort. "Yeah, well, here's the thing: I'm worried about Mom."

"Regina? Why?" Emma asked as she set her cocoa down on the end table next to the couch.

Henry took a deep breath before looking her in the eyes. "Because I know how sad she is. I know she could have let the snow monster kill Marian, then blasted it, and had her happy ending with Robin, but she didn't. She saved Marian's life at the cost of her own happiness, because that's what Robin said he wanted. So, now she's all alone in the mansion, without her soul mate. I'm worried about how being alone is affecting her."

She nodded, acknowledging his points. "Okay, so what do you want to do about it?" A cold ball of dread settled low in her stomach as she waited for his idea.

He focused on the coffee table, unwilling to even look her in the eye. When Henry answered, all his words ran together like he wanted to get it all out before she could even react. "IwasthinkingIshouldmovebackintothemansionwithher," he said, taking a big breath at the end.

The request didn't even surprise her. Not as much as it probably should have, anyway. That's just how he was. Henry had inherited something of her savior personality that made him want to help people who needed it, and when it was his adoptive mother he saw in need, he was too good of a kid not to answer that call. It made sense, too, despite the sting of him wanting to leave. Regina would need their son around to bolster her spirits after Robin left much more than Emma would. Being on her own was nothing new to her; she could handle herself perfectly well.

_Not enough. You'll never be enough. Everyone leaves eventually._

"Sure thing, kid," Emma answered, somber expression turning into a wry smile at his reaction. His heart was in the right place. Regina was hurting right now, and if letting Henry go live with her for a while could help, she owed the other woman after the Marian fiasco.

Henry looked up so fast his neck actually cracked. "Really?" he asked. "Are you serious?"

Emma hoped her smile wasn't as wan as it felt. "Yeah, I do. You're right, she shouldn't be alone right now, especially after all she's done for us. I think it's a good idea. Very noble of you."

"You're the best, ma!" He grinned, wrapping her in a bear hug.

She couldn't suppress the chuckle that escaped "At least this way, it'll be easier to move out of here with just my stuff."

Sitting back, Henry regarded her with wide eyes. "We're moving out?"

She nodded again. "It's too crowded in here for five people, especially with the baby," Emma was only partially successful stifling the cough when she spoke of her brother, and noticed how Henry's eyebrows quirked up when she chose not to use his name, "and it's probably not healthy at all for you and I to share a room, anyway. We need our own space."

"I – I guess that makes sense," he agreed. "Have you found a place yet?"

"Yeah, I think so. It's another apartment just off Main Street, so we'll be closer to everything," Emma explained, "There are two bedrooms, so we'll have our own spaces. I'm actually going to call about the lease tomorrow. There's even a gym in the building."

"A gym?"

"Winters in Maine are cold, kid. I need a place to work out so I can stay in shape for the next time I have to rescue a kitten or blow up a monster," Emma gave a self-deprecating smile.

"Let me know when you're going to move your stuff, ma. I'm sure Mom can help with her magic or something," Henry offered.

This time Emma's chuckle was real. "I wouldn't bet my life on it."

* * *

7 October 2014

Emma came to a breathless halt, resting her hands on her knees as she bent over, desperately gulping oxygen back into her lungs. Pinpricks of pain, the tingling that resembled a limb that had fallen asleep long before, chased around her extremities while dots swirled at the edges of her vision. Storybrooke's crisis-of-the-week had kept her from her old exercising routine for four years now. Granny's delicious food and her bear claw addiction hadn't aided her cardiovascular condition, either.

Still, she did have one thing going for her: a driving need to escape. She couldn't run away from Storybrooke, not like she used to be able to move from town to town in her faithful Bug whenever reality got too intense. Literally exercising her worries away was her only option. Running herself into oblivion never felt so good.

The diet problem was mostly resolving itself, as well. She'd made a conscious effort to avoid Granny's, both for her health and to steer clear of the awkward encounters that always seemed to happen at the diner.

Her difficulty came in the amount of food she was taking in. Old habits died hard, and she had long since learned to get by on fewer than the ideal amount of calories. Since the memories of Regina's cooking skills that she'd included in the happy memories gift had faded, her poor cooking abilities meant that her diet wasn't improving as much as she'd like. In some ways it was reminiscent of the times she'd gone hungry as a foster child. At least the stomach pangs were familiar.

She was ruing the lack of calories at the moment, though. Her clothes were gradually getting looser and looser, and she was taking less time in front of the mirror after her showers, almost afraid of what her reflection would show.

Emma flopped down on the tree and took stock of the day ahead of her. No Henry, no parents, and an off-day from the station. She had a fat lot of nothing to do for the day. Whereas once that would have been reassuring, now it was just one more thing leaving her on edge. She had no ideas for how to fill her time now that she was alone again.

Moving out of the loft hadn't taken long at all. Once she'd found a building and negotiated a lease – making sure Gold was NOT the landlord had taken more time than hammering out the rental agreement – the move took only a couple trips with her Bug and David's truck. It was her first move with enough stuff to require more than one trip with just her little yellow car, and the experience left her feeling adrift, disconnected from her life.

Still the peace and quiet in her new apartment was not without its comforts. She didn't have a screaming baby and doting parents in the next room.

Doting parents. One of her lifelong wishes.

She thought after the curse broke they could try to be a family, but a trip through a portal to the Enchanted Forest and dealing with Regina's sociopathic mother, followed in short order by a desperate bid to save Henry from Neverland took up any kind of time they could have used to figure out their roles in this strange new family.

 _So much for that,_ Emma snorted at her own thoughts as she leaned against a tree still trying to catch her breath.

Snow said in the Echo Cave on Neverland that she wanted another baby – wanted to 'do it right' this time. In that moment, Emma knew from the pain in Snow's eyes that outside of a situation where they all had to reveal a deeply personal truth to save someone's life, her mother never would have said what she did.

The words stuck with her, though. When she got all her memories back in New York, the bad came with the good. Seeing her mother heavily pregnant back in Storybrooke confirmed everything.

Emma heaved a sigh, finally feeling the oxygen drive her dizziness away. It was the same every time she ran out, but with the practice she was pushing the breaking point farther and farther away. She quickly downed an energy bar and some water. When she was feeling surer of herself, she stood, tied her workout pants tighter at the waist, and started off again, running away from the loneliness. Running away from the whispers. Running hard enough that the only thing she could hear was her breathing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things aren't going very well for Emma, are they? Well as her mother always says, good always wins, right?
> 
> Comments and constructive criticisms are highly appreciated!!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again, everyone! 
> 
> Here's chapter 4! As always, my beta made sure this was legible. I don't own the show, characters, plot, settings, or dialog, even when I borrow from them. Same goes for the Billy Joel lyrics, again. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Chapter 4

* * *

_I spoke to you in cautious tones  
You answered me with no pretense_

* * *

12 October 2014

Henry stood on his own front porch, hefting his bag from one shoulder to the other as he tried to figure out what to do. It was his house, or rather the house he called home for the first twelve years of his life, but after moving out to live at the loft with his mom and grandparents he wasn't sure of the protocol. Knocking felt strange, but he hadn't lived there in long enough that he didn't think he could just barge on in, either.

In the end he settled on both options, pushing the – surprisingly unlocked – door open and giving it a brief knock. "Mom?" he called.

The clicking of her heels on the stone tile floor announced her presence well before he saw her. "Henry? What are you doing here?"

For one brief, unguarded instant he saw pure joy on her face at his unexpected presence. His friends were used to complaining about their parents whenever they got too involved in their lives, but after the number of times one or both of his mothers had to step in and save his life – he still had the occasional bad dream about Neverland – it was hard to feel anything but his own happiness when either of them smiled at him.

The moment was far too brief, as her face quickly changed from happiness to wariness, with a sheen of something darker he couldn't identify in her eyes. The sight hurt his heart, and without a conscious decision, he reacted exactly the way he always had from the earliest days he could walk: he wrapped his arms around her neck and held on until he felt her join the hug. "I missed you, Mom."

"Oh, Henry," was all she said, but the watery tone of her voice told him just how affected by the simple gesture she was. He'd known all along that she needed him there. "I missed you, too."

When he pulled back, he saw the moment she spotted his bag. "What's going on?"

"Well, ah, I decided that I wanted to move back here for a while. That is, if it's okay with you?" He explained, looking up at her while scratching the back of his head.

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Henry Daniel Mills saw something he'd never seen before in his life: his mother was well and truly speechless. Her mouth opened and closed a couple times without any sound escaping, and combined with her widened eyes she gave the distinct impression of a goldfish. "Really?" she managed to squeak with some effort. It was a testament to how surprised she really was that she had nothing more eloquent to say.

"Yeah, I just figured with the way things have been recently that it would be nice to be back for a while," he explained, knowing that her defenses would shoot back up in a heartbeat if he told her his real reason for wanting to move back in was that he was afraid she would grow too lonely all by herself, "and with Neal screaming all the time, I could use a good night's sleep, you know?"

With a grin, she wrapped an arm around his shoulder. "Now THAT is something I do understand. You, yourself, were quite the screamer at his age," she teased. "Of course you can move back here. There isn't anything I'd like more."

* * *

12 October 2014

After the initial excitement, dinner was a quieter affair than either expected. Knowing something of the events driving the rift between his moms, Henry was reluctant to bring it up, for fear of saying the wrong thing. Several times he opened his mouth to start the conversational ball rolling, but each time thought better of what he was about to ask.

Being too direct would shut her down, he knew. She would either say it was none of his business, tell him he was too young to be concerned, or ignore it completely. He would have to approach the matter with delicacy and tact. The son of Regina Mills knew both.

Fortunately, his mother made the decision for him. After clearing away the lasagna – stellar as always – she brought out some of his favorite cake. After cutting him a slice, she regarded him silently for a moment before launching her inquiry. "Did you have something on your mind, dear?"

He rolled his eyes at how she always seemed to be able to read him like a book. "Well, Emma's been really upset ever since Granny's the other night. I don't know the whole story about what happened; just what Grams and Gramps have told me. Something about how she couldn't walk away from someone who needed help. Then all of a sudden Robin was leaving and you were mad at her and now you both seem so sad."

Regina pursed her lips, unsure how to begin answering him truthfully. When the curse broke and he was so hostile towards her, she made herself – and him – a promise that she would never lie to him again. Explaining the complexities in adult relationships without deceit would require some delicate verbal footwork. "Do you remember what happened at the stables when Dr. Whale resurrected the body of my former fiancé Daniel?"

He nodded. "You had to end his suffering."

She took a deep breath before continuing. "Yes, well, Daniel was my first love. Losing him the way I did, both times, hurt me very deeply. After he died the first time," her eyebrows furrowed at the oddity of the phrase, "I was desperate to escape what I saw as a prison. I never wanted to marry Snow White's father. King Leopold was at least three times my age. When life seemed at its darkest, I came across Tinker Bell. She saw how upset I was and agreed to help me find my True Love with pixie dust. It led us to a tavern and a man inside. She looked in at him because I was too scared. She said that if I went inside to find the man with the lion tattoo on his forearm, he would be my soul mate."

Henry's eyes lit up. "And Robin has that tattoo! I saw it once. He's your True Love!"

Regina met his smile with a softer one of her own before taking a small bite of the cake. "Not exactly. I didn't go in that night, which is why Tinker Bell lost her wings. It took a long time before she and I could get back on civil terms with each other. Robin and I found each other after the second curse, but when your mother brought Marian back, she took my second chance at happiness away, even if it was by accident."

When she paused, Henry's brow wrinkled. "Did she know who Marian was when she rescued her?"

She wanted to say yes. She wanted to tell her son that his other mother had set out to deliberately ruin her happiness, but the truth was that it was no more intentional than when an eight-year old Snow had been manipulated into selling out her illicit relationship with Daniel. Perhaps accidentally betraying her was a genetic trait of their family. "No, darling. She didn't know who the woman was. The Savior just saw someone who she thought needed saving. Everything that happened afterward was a total accident."

"But I thought you always taught me that when something is a genuine accident that people can't be blamed for it," he replied.

Regina sighed, looking down at her own mostly-untouched slice of cake. "People aren't perfect, Henry, as I'm sure you've noticed over the last few years. We all make mistakes. I reacted very badly, but in the moment of losing Robin, all I could see was that Emma brought this woman back and now my happiness was gone again. I said some truly terrible things to her. All I wanted was for her to hurt like I was, and I'm afraid I succeeded."

He frowned. "Can't you just say you're sorry to Emma?"

"Probably," she admitted, "but I'm not ready for that yet. I also taught you that if you don't mean an apology, it's worse than not apologizing at all. Whenever I see or think of your mother, I get upset all over again."

To her great consternation, Henry actually grinned at that admission. "Why are you smiling? What's so funny?"

"You didn't go all Evil Queen on her, or use your magic. You just yelled at her. If you didn't still care about her, you wouldn't get so mad. If you were indifferent, there wouldn't be this much anger in you. Don't worry. Emma's very forgiving to people she cares about. She'll forgive you," he said, little sage that he was.

Regina's mouth fell open for a brief moment before she was able to close it. "When did you get so wise?" she settled on asking.

"I think it was when my mom started insisting I read books ahead of my reading level age," he smirked back at her.

"Okay, smart guy," she retorted, more than content to change the subject, "What else has been going on for you?"

"Well, Elsa moved into the loft after we discovered she wasn't actually trying to destroy the town. She seems to be getting along fairly well with Emma. She's been helping us figure out what's keeping the ice wall in place," he said with a degree of nonchalance that impressed his mother.

Henry took a bite of the cake, missing her annoyed grimace. "The blonde leading the blonde," she muttered to her own dessert.

"What did you say, Mom?" Henry looked up at her in all innocence.

"Nothing, dear. Just thinking out loud. Would you like to watch a movie tonight?"

* * *

14 October 2014

Emma was frustrated. She'd been trying as hard as she could to corner Regina long enough to apologize for the effects of her actions, but had been unsuccessful. The mayor was surprisingly dedicated to escaping, going as far as poofing herself out of her own office when Emma had brought paperwork over as an excuse to see her. Her secretary had stammered excuses that Regina had been called into a council meeting, but with her own parents on the council and the residual scented charge of Regina's magic lingering in the air, Emma knew exactly what had happened. Apparently Regina was so desperate to avoid her that she was using magic.

On the way to the station one morning, she could have sworn she saw Regina walking down the sidewalk, but before she could even call out, the brunette ducked into the nearest building. By the time Emma got to the door, the sign for Doc's Pharmacy was set to closed, and the door locked.

Alone in the new apartment, she tried everything she could think of to fill her time. When she wasn't sleeping, working, or working out, she tried calling Regina to see if she would answer. After that failed, she tried her son, but Henry sent her a text message reply saying that he was off learning archery from Robin. The half-dozen or so smiley face emoticons he sent made Emma smile against her will, knowing how excited he must have been to learn archery from Robin Hood himself.

Ruby was spending most of her time at the library. When Emma finally cornered her one morning on her way, the werewolf just shrugged. "I'm just offering my friend a sympathetic shoulder to cry on. Shoulder, stomach, whatever she needs." The look on her friend's face made Emma raise an eyebrow, but with a wink, Ruby was off into the stacks.

Hook was always there, of course, but lately his seemingly sweet comments had taken on more of an air of innuendo that made her uncomfortable, or at least that was the way she perceived them. She wasn't entirely sure what she felt for the pirate, but one thing she was realizing was that his feelings might not be exactly what he was trying to convey. Either way, she wasn't at all in the mood for his company, even as alone as she felt that evening.

After running out of options and dreading the thought of sitting on a barstool at the Rabbit Hole for any length of time by herself, Emma found herself back at her empty apartment, scrolling through the contacts list on her phone to see if there was anyone there that she could trust for a few hours of companionship. The residence was fully furnished, but after living in the loft with her parents and Henry, it seemed hollowed out, devoid of life. Hence the scrolling. She'd grown and changed in her time in Storybrooke. Whereas before she was content, if not happy, living alone and never making connections with anyone, finding her family had slowly worn down her walls. She found herself missing the near-constant human interaction.

Mary Margaret's dogged determination to be the mother she never got to be, while weird at times, was more than Emma had ever hoped for as a child. But she wasn't a child anymore, and now Snow White had a baby to mother, so her attentions to Emma were waning. It was only natural for new parents to pull back and focus all their extra time and attention on the child, right?

The silence drew her back to another foster home memory. When she was eight, she lived in an enormous group home outside Tulsa. The house held more than a dozen children of all ages. The building was never truly quiet, despite rules enforcing quiet times for the little ones to have their naps. One day, desperate to escape the ever-present chaos, Emma found her way out of a window, up a fire escape, and onto the roof. Wrapped in the first silence she'd truly experienced in months, she came to love her refuge.

Sitting in a similar silence in her apartment, Emma felt a strange sense of loss. She had changed from that eight-year old girl who didn't need anyone to feel safe, but who she changed into remained to be seen.

With a huff, Emma threw the phone onto the coffee table and leaned her head back on the couch, out of ideas for how to fill her evening. When a glance around the apartment failed to give her any inspiration, she gritted her teeth and gave in. She got to her feet, grabbing her phone and keys on her way out the door.

* * *

David opened the door to her knock, cradling Neal in his arms. "Emma? You don't really think you have to knock here, do you? You can just come on in."

She gave him a half-smile and made her way into the familiar loft. She tried to keep her eyes from bulging out at the vast number of pictures of Neal that had taken over the loft. It had just been a few days since she'd moved out, but they'd multiplied into the dozens. Apparently her parents had discovered what a photo printer was, she mused.

Emma watched as her father went past Elsa and her mother to put her brother down to sleep in his crib in the shared bedroom. Elsa was staring at the television with pure wonder while Mary Margaret sat in a recliner to the side of the area, trying not to chuckle too much. She looked up to see Emma, her face changing to confusion. "Emma? What are you doing here?"

"Hi, mom," Emma answered, still not entirely used to calling anyone that name, much less a woman younger than herself, "Yeah, sorry. I was just kind of at loose ends tonight and thought I'd pop over and see how you guys were doing."

"Emma! You must come sit with me and watch this amazing magic picture box!" Elsa gushed, moving over to create space for her.

To her surprise, Emma felt a genuine chuckle escape. "Oh, trust me, I've spent far too much time in my life watching that magic box. The foster parents always used to say that's why my grades were never as good as they could have been."

"But how can you get anything done? There are so many different things to see. I've already seen people trying to sell me something called a vacuum cleaner and something else your mother tells me is a moving drawing?" Elsa was so excited that Emma could almost feel her vibrate in excitement next to her.

"I suppose if you haven't grown up watching TV, it must seem like magic," she agreed, sitting down next to their visitor, "We didn't always have a TV as nice as this one in the foster homes, but there was always at least a little one."

Something in her voice must have triggered concern in her father. "Is anything the matter?"

"Nothing more than the usual, Dad. I mean, I haven't been able to make contact with Regina to fix things. Henry moved…" her voice trailed off as Neal started screaming and both her parents groaned.

"I'll go rock him for a while," Mary Margaret said, getting up slowly. "Sorry, Emma. I need to try to get your brother back to sleep. He's been having some diaper rash lately and we're still working our way through the different treatments, trying to find something that works. Unfortunately, it's affecting his sleep, too. I had no idea babies were such delicate sleepers! I'm sure your problem is just temporary, Emma. Regina will be back to herself in a few days and Henry will come back and live with us. Don't overthink to it too much. She's just had a shock, you know?"

David took her place in the chair. "Sorry about that. We've been trying to help him sleep more, but he's determined to be on a regular schedule, waking up every two hours. Like she said, the rash isn't helping. So, you were saying?"

Emma shrugged off her mother's abrupt departure, hiding how much the reminder in her words stung. "Yeah, so anyway, Henry moved out of the apartment back to the mansion, and I'm kind of at loose ends. Don't really know what to do with myself, you know?"

"Henry moved out?" David looked surprised.

"Yeah, didn't I tell you? He thought it would be better for him to be there for Regina, so she wouldn't be alone," Emma tried to keep the hurt out of her voice when she explained that in the act of caring for one mother that he worried about being alone, he left the other in the exact same situation.

Her father pursed his lips, clearly perturbed, but just as he opened his mouth to reply, Neal's screams sounded through the living area. "I should go help your mother. Sometimes the little guy will only go to sleep if I'm the one holding him. I guess all that talking to him before he was born helped him get used to my voice. Hold that thought, Emma. We'll get back to this later on. Hey, you're still on to babysit Neal next week after the Mommy and Me session, right?"

Emma nodded. "That's right. You guys need a night to yourselves, so I'll watch the little guy while you're out to dinner."

"If it's okay, Emma, I thought I might help you?" Elsa asked. "I'm so grateful for your parents letting me stay in their apartment, it's the least I could do to help repay their generosity."

"Uh, sure, Elsa. If you're up for helping babysit, I won't turn down the help," Emma responded.

"Great! Just let me help get Neal back to sleep and I'll be right back," David gave a relieved grin.

So saying, he went off to help Mary Margaret with Neal. Neal. Emma couldn't even say the name without picturing Henry's father. Inevitably, the mental image of his face in happier times would be replaced with his face as he fell through the portal, dying from a gunshot wound. She could never hear her brother's name without a spike of regret and guilt.

"I'm still here, Emma," Elsa chimed in with a big smile as she picked up the remote. "Let's see, David showed me how to work this device earlier. Where's the button to turn the magic off?"

The corners of Emma's mouth turned up as she reached over and showed the other woman how to turn off the TV.

"Such an amazing world you live in, as strange as it is for me to get used to. I wish I could show all these wonderful things to my sister. I just know Anna would love this television machine," Elsa enthused. "So, now, tell me. You were feeling alone and wanted to come over to greet us?"

Looking at Elsa as she talked about her lost sister, Emma felt a strongly negative urge at the thought of opening up and baring her insecurities to this woman she'd known for just a few days. Her parents had each just run off when she was on point of sharing how alone she'd been feeling ever since her mistake with Regina, leaving her behind to care for their new baby.

She fell back into the familiar habit of slamming her emotional walls into place. Plastering on a fake smile, Emma shook her head. "It's nothing. I forgot somehow that you're dealing with a major loss and an entirely new world, here. How have you been adjusting? I know it must be hard not knowing where Anna is."

A huge smile greeted her question. "Well, things are so much different than I first thought! When I got out of that urn, I was so scared of everything! The driving machines especially were terrifying! I thought they were some kind of monster with the way they roared at me, but now they're not nearly so scary…."

As Emma listened to Storybrooke's newest resident talk about how she's adjusted to living in the town, she found her mind drawn back to the way her parents had all but run out of the room when she was trying to talk to them. The singular focus they showed brought back unpleasant memories of the Echo Cave, hearing her mother say she wanted to do things better the second time around.

_More parents showing how unwanted, unneeded, undesired, UNLOVED you are._

" _I'd even go so far as to say that your own parents don't even need you anymore. They've probably got their hands full with that new baby of theirs, wouldn't you say?"_

The voices from her past, the same ones that kept up a constant whispering of all her insecurities, merged seamlessly with Regina's biting words outside Granny's, and this time even Emma's fortitude couldn't contain the nausea sweeping through her.

"Elsa, I'm really sorry, but something I ate earlier isn't sitting right, and I'm not feeling very well. I should get going. Can you tell my parents I'll catch up with them later on?" She tried to speak normally, hiding her eagerness to get out of the suddenly oppressive loft.

"Oh! Sure, I can do that. Will you be okay, Emma?" Elsa asked, concern etched across her face as she rose to help her.

Emma managed a weak nod that was in no way fake, but would also help the impression that she was queasy. "Yeah, I just need to go get some rest. Thanks, Elsa. Here, I'll get the TV back to what you were watching." She turned the system back on before moving to the door and leaving with a quick wave.

A very perplexed Elsa stood watching the door for a long few moments before sitting back down and quickly becoming mesmerized by the world in the magic box.

* * *

Not long after Emma left, David and Mary Margaret came back into the living area. When they saw Elsa sitting by herself with no Emma in sight, they shared a confused look.

"Elsa?" Mary Margaret whispered, desperate to remain quiet enough to avoid waking Neal. "Where did Emma go?"

"She said she wasn't feeling well, that something she ate wasn't sitting right," the blonde explained, turning the volume on the television down with the one set of buttons she did remember how to use. In a house with a new baby, the volume control became the most important feature. "She apologized for leaving so soon, and said she'd catch up with you later."

Concern alleviated, the Charmings joined Elsa on the couch, trying to remain conscious enough to enjoy the program.

* * *

16 October, 2014

Finally.

This was her year.

For the first time in her life, she was surrounded by friends and family that actually liked her. After three decades of being told there wasn't enough money for presents or a cake in the best case scenario, being ignored, or being told she was a greedy little girl for even asking about celebrating her birthday – usually followed by physical discipline – in the worst case scenario, this year was going to be different. This was finally going to be her year. The first real birthday party she'd ever had. Even if she had to plan it herself and invite everyone, which was looking more likely to be the case every day.

That part wasn't as important. If everyone forgot her birthday, she'd just have to improvise. No big deal. She sat back in the reclining chair that was her one splurge purchase for the apartment and went over her list again. Snow and Charming, Elsa, Granny and Ruby, Aurora, Archie, Hook and Tink – as much as it sucked, she had enough good history with Hook that she wanted him there, which meant Tink, too – and Robin and Roland. She wasn't deluded enough to think that Regina would do anything with her invitation other than burn it to ashes, and with her not attending, Henry's attendance was iffy at best.

With a sigh, she flipped from the guest list over to the activities.

Dinner with the family.

Games like Monopoly, Clue, and Life. She'd lived at a particular foster home for a few months when she was thirteen that had an incredible amount of board games that she loved playing. All good things come to an end, though, and she was out of the house before her fourteenth birthday. That was just about the last good memory she had of foster life, other than meeting Lily in Minnesota.

After playing games she had a few minutes scheduled open in case anyone got her a present. She snorted in wry amusement. In the commotion surrounding the Snow Queen's arrival, she wasn't expecting anything. Tapping her pen on the pad, her mind went back to foster care. Without being close enough friends with anyone to be invited to a party birthday presents were a vicarious dream she had to live through hearing people nearby her talking about what they got.

She couldn't ignore the hope that sprung in her chest at the thought of someone actually getting her a birthday present. Her rational mind told her not to expect anything. If anything, the first thirty years of her life were a guide to how pointless celebrating her birthday was. Still, hope was hard to ignore when one was the daughter of Snow White and Prince Charming. At least she could hope for the party right?

The party. As much as she was looking forward to dinner, games, and a couple small gifts, she was just as eagerly anticipating the girls' night out. Ruby was a definite invitation. Belle was too, if Rumple wasn't taking up too much of her time, or she wasn't busy at the library with research on the Snow Queen. The same applied for Elsa and her search for her sister. Aurora and Mulan were also on her list. Phillip could watch his son for the evening. Mulan was an unknown. Emma wasn't as familiar with the taciturn warrior in Storybrooke.

There was no way she would even consider inviting Regina. What happened outside the diner after Marian's return was bad enough, but the incident at the Rabbit Hole was a thousand times worse. Try as she could, Emma couldn't think of any way Regina would accept an invitation to celebrate her birthday that didn't involve fireballs.

Tinker Bell was a definite no, as well. Emma refused to be desperate enough to invite the woman her ex cheated with.

With a frown, Emma looked over her guest list again. The hunt for the Snow Queen was foremost on everyone's mind, even if it was in a lull at the moment. She was hoping that her birthday would serve as a distraction. Maybe that was the answer: she should invite people for a low-key night at her apartment, throw in the possibility of a night out on the town with the girls afterward, and don't bother putting the heavy expectation of her birthday on top of it. If she just kept it as a casual get-together, there was a better chance that people might show up.

Emma chose not to reflect on the fact that she believed inviting people for a casual night had a higher chance of them actually showing up than inviting them to celebrate her birthday.

With a huge sigh, she got to her feet, ready to head out and start tracking down guests.

* * *

Her first stop was the Sheriff's station, where for once her luck was in. David was there with Mary Margaret and Neal.

"Hi, guys!" she greeted, plastering on a smile. _Here goes._ Her nose wrinkled at a foul stench in the air.

Her mother looked up, returning her smile. "Emma! How are you?"

Leaning against the desk, Emma watched as her father took Neal over to the interrogation room to change his diaper. "I'm good. Better now that Stinky's getting taken care of."

Snow chuckled. "It's not the most glamorous job, but there's something so amazing about being so necessary for someone."

Wincing at the reminder of what she'd missed from her own son's life, Emma shrugged her shoulders. "Yeah, sure. I mean that's what I've been told. Ah, listen, I was hoping to find you here. I was thinking to get a few people together this weekend. Saturday, actually. Are you guys free?"

Her mother looked up, thinking. "Oh! Saturday! We can't, I'm sorry. I think that's date night for us. Ashley's going to take Neal for a play date with her son either Saturday or Sunday. Neal's been too young for us to go out and spend any adult time together, so this is our first chance."

Disappointment washed over her, but her old, familiar defenses sprang up to hide her emotions. "Oh, yeah, that's definitely important. Well, can you just let me know if you find the time? It might be fun if we can get a few people together for dinner or something."

"Absolutely, we'll call you as soon as we know what we're doing," Snow promised.

Emma pursed her lips and nodded. "Okay, awesome. Well, I'll let you handle Stinky back there, and just be on my way."

* * *

Her next stop was Granny's. Henry was still at the mansion, and with the way Regina hated her, there was no reason for her to go to Mifflin Street. Granny's it was.

The hub of Storybrooke would be the best place to find most of her friends, Ruby especially since she was still working there.

Emma pushed the door open, noting the usual afternoon crowd. Ruby was bustling up and down behind the bar while another couple of waitresses that Granny had finally hired handled the tables on the floor. Grinning, she wove her way through the tables and slid onto a stool at the end. "Hey, Rubes," she greeted when the waitress slid her a glass of water.

"How's it going, Emma?" the brunette greeted.

The Sheriff smiled. "I actually wanted to talk to you," she paused to take a sip of water, "What are you doing Saturday? I was hoping to get a few of us together, maybe say you, me, Belle, Elsa, Mulan, and anyone else who wants to and have a girl's night out?"

Ruby's face fell. "Oh, Emma, I'm sorry but I can't. Granny's making me train the new waitresses on the Saturday evening rush shift. Maybe another time?"

Hiding her disappointment, Emma nodded. "Sure, that works just fine."

Turning to leave to take care of another customer, Ruby looked over her shoulder. "Did you want some food?"

"Nah, I just came in to ask you about Saturday. Thanks anyway, Ruby," answered Emma as she got up and walked toward the door. She didn't see the concerned glance Ruby shot her just before taking a customer their meal.

* * *

From the diner, Emma walked up Main Street to the library, hoping to find Belle there. Her recent failures at getting people to agree to show up for her birthday were disheartening, but she had other friends in town, and other ways to celebrate her birthday. If Belle and Elsa were busy on her birthday, it would probably be easier to push the whole day back, meaning another birthday spent alone.

She pushed the library doors open and stepped into the lobby. No matter how many times she entered the building, she couldn't see the mirror tree without thinking of her first time here, when she killed a fucking dragon. To be fair, most people probably wouldn't forget a building if the first time they went in they killed a dragon. With a sword. By throwing it.

Emma shook off the strange thoughts and looked around for Belle. It seemed her luck was turning, as she saw the librarian pouring over a book that looked to be almost a thousand years old – who knew? If it came from the Enchanted Forest it damn well might be – with Elsa, her next invitee.

This time her smile wasn't false by any stretch. "Hey guys! What's up?"

The two women looked up from their book. "Just doing some more research on Arendelle and the Enchanted Forest, Emma," Belle explained, "We think this older book might have some record of Elsa's sister."

"That's great!" She smiled. "Listen, the reason I came by was to see if you were free on Saturday evening? I was thinking we could have a girl's night, maybe go to the Rabbit Hole for some drinks and dancing?"

Belle frowned. "I'm sorry. Rumple was going to show me something on Saturday. He wouldn't say what, but you know how he likes his little surprises."

Elsa's frown matched Belle's. "I was going to keep looking through the records, but I might be able to spend some time out. I'll let you know?"

It was probably the best she was going to do. Emma nodded. "Sounds good. I'm sure we can find something to do. I'll be around, Elsa."

* * *

After getting much the same answer from Mulan – she needed to be around in case Aurora and Philip needed her – Emma went home.

She spent the next few days going through her normal routine, waiting for calls, waiting for people to approach her…waiting for anything, really.

Saturday found her in much the same position as four years previously: sitting alone in her apartment on her birthday with a pitiful candle adorning a pitiful cupcake.

The only difference this time was that when she blew the candle out, there was no knock at the door.

_I guess birthday wishes can only come true once_ , she thought as she turned the lights off and collapsed in bed, letting the darkness overwhelm her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've always been bothered by the fact that the show has never addressed Emma's birthday after the pilot. Given that Regina cast the curse on her birthday, and that Emma first arrived in Storybrooke - thus beginning the process of breaking the curse and starting time again - on her birthday, I would have thought it would have been a much bigger event for the townspeople to remember. Even if the residents didn't mark the occasion, watching Snow and Charming never say a word to Emma on her birthday was a huge disappointment.
> 
> Anyway, rant over. What did you think?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back again! Thanks again for taking a look at my story. 
> 
> As usual, my beta worked magic to get this chapter ready. I claim no ownership of the show, characters, settings, plot, or dialog, or lyrics from Billy Joel, even though I do borrow them from time to time :) Any resemblance to any real people, places, or events is entirely coincidental. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Chapter 5

* * *

_In every heart there is a room  
A sanctuary safe and strong…_

* * *

19 October 2014

With a groan, Emma rolled over and shut off the incessant high-pitched beeping coming from her cell phone. She flopped back over on her mattress and cursed her forgetfulness. Her one day off for the entire week and she’d left her alarm on to drag her back to the land of the living. Going back to sleep wasn’t even an option; ever since she was a little girl, she’d never been able to go back to sleep once woken. Crowded group homes meant being first in line for breakfast if she wanted to eat at all. Food was even harder to come by when she was on the streets. There was wisdom in the whole ‘early bird’ saying.

But she didn’t have to get up early to eat anymore. She had her own kitchen and a reasonably-stocked fridge. There was no reason to rush downstairs. Her subconscious refused to forget those old habits, ingrained over many hungry mornings. Anorexia wasn’t a concern when daily caloric guidelines were a pipe dream anyway.

Emma sat up, remembering that Henry usually appreciated a hot breakfast. Just as soon, the weight of that realization drove her back against the mattress. Henry wasn’t living there with her. She was on her own. Alone.

It left the same bitter aftertaste in her mouth that it always did, intensified by the recent time she’d had with people. Not just foster siblings, but actual family. Once an impossible dream, she had lived it for a few short months with her parents and Henry. Now she was out of the loft and away from hourly screaming fests and parents that were actually younger than she was.

She was also without the first person she ever considered giving the title ‘best friend’ since Lily’s betrayal. Her own betrayal, however accidental, led directly to Regina’s decision to end their friendship. As Emma stared at the cracked plaster in her bedroom ceiling, she began to understand that forgiveness from Regina would be much more complicated than allowing Henry to move back home again.

Regina had cut off all ties, Henry was gone, and her parents were treating her like a younger sibling as they raised their new baby, their new Prince. Still, there was one person who had demonstrated his desire for her over and over. It may not have been what she wanted at the time, but as Emma rolled over and reached for her phone, she started to wonder if she hadn’t been wrong when she turned down Hook’s desire to spend time together.

She grabbed for her phone, found the number in her contacts, and called him.

After four rings, she got his attempt at a voice mail message. When she’d helped him set it up, she’d almost snorted up a lung from laughing so hard, and even in her intensifying gloom it still brought a curl to her lips.

_“Um, hello? I don’t really understand this whole concept, but my lovely lass here says I’m supposed to say that I can’t answer your call, so if you leave something called a message, she’ll help me check it and I’ll return your call when I can. Swan, are you sure this is what I’m supposed to say? I can’t bloody well make heads or tails of this technical wizardry. Someone will record their own voice and I’ll be able to hear it later? Are you sure this isn’t dark magic?”_

The message cut off to the sound of her higher-pitched giggles over his deeper-toned confusion.

He hadn’t answered.

Pursing her lips, Emma fell back once more to the mattress. Hook had only gotten his phone mere weeks before, but he had never failed to answer a call from her, especially once she set up a custom ringtone that would tell him when she was trying to reach him.

She closed her eyes, trying to stave off her loneliness. When she opened them again, she was back in middle school. Sixth grade, from the look of the place. It was the slightly dingier school in Wisconsin she’d gone to before running away and ending up in a well-run, clean group home in Minnesota.

_She was seated in the dimly-lit cafeteria, trying to avoid anyone’s eye contact. It was a square room with its only two doors on one side, leaving three unbroken walls boxing the children in. Most of the ‘cool’ kids took the back corners immediately, so she was left at the front table with her back to the rest of the cafeteria. Normally it would have been the worst place for someone trying to hide from attention, but distance from the more popular cliques meant she almost always had the entire table to herself._

_One day, she was reading the assignment from her next class while making the tub of cottage cheese – which was all she could afford from her meager lunch money – stretch out for the entire lunch period when she heard a cough. Looking up, Emma saw a boy she recognized from most of her classes standing directly in front of her. “Um, hi,” he muttered, shifting uncomfortably from one foot to the other._

_“Hi,” Emma replied, just as uneasy at the interaction._

_“Is it okay if I sit here, too?” he asked._

_“It’s not my lunchroom. Do whatever you want,” she retorted, feeling only a little pang of guilt at the rudeness._

_He gulped, but set his overflowing tray – which she only then saw was actually the top of two trays stacked together – on the table across from her and sat down. “Hi,” he repeated after clearing his throat._

_“Hi,” she again responded, “You said that already.”_

_“Sorry. I’m Landon. Landon Decker. I sit near you in our English class,” he introduced._

_The name clicked. She tried not to pay attention to her classmates, but his was a name she’d heard the teacher calling. “Emma Swan,” she answered in a voice so quiet she honestly wasn’t sure if he heard her._

_“I know who you are,” Landon said, smiling, “so, ah, here’s the thing. I’ve noticed you in here sometimes, and you usually don’t have a ton to eat. You’re almost always here by yourself, and I’ve never seen you with parents at any school events. I had some extra lunch money from my mom today, so I was just wondering…would it be okay if I could buy your lunch today?”_

_Emma turned wide eyes up, looking at him directly for the first time. Her mouth hung open, unable to form coherent thoughts at his offer. Flushing, the boy quickly got to work unstacking his trays and dividing the food, which she noticed was actually two separate lunch portions. Dumbfounded at the boy’s kindness, Emma could only nod her head and choke out a strained, “thank you,” in whisper._

_His ear-to-ear grin did funny things to her stomach, but with the smell of the food it was already rumbling too loud for her to look too deeply into her reactions._

_It became a sort of routine for then. Landon would show up after she’d already been sitting for a few moments, tray loaded down with far too much food for one person, make a clumsy excuse that he’d just bought too much, and she’d accept his offer of sharing. They spent many lunch periods that way, learning about each other as they broke bread. She noticed him in class more frequently, too, and they were even lucky enough to be partnered up on class projects._

_Then it happened. He had just gotten to her table one day when a group of boys two years older than they approached him from behind. Teasing him about eating lunch every day with his girlfriend, who was one of the ‘foster rats’, they riled him up, challenging him to deny their budding friendship._

_Landon wasn’t strong enough to resist that kind of peer pressure. She looked at him with liquid eyes and fought to control the wobble in her voice as she asked him to ignore them and sit down as usual._

_Face as red as a lobster as the rest of the cafeteria took notice of the confrontation, her one and only friend in the entire school only shook his head. “Sorry, Emma. You’re on your own from now on.”_

_Too shocked to allow her tears to fall, Emma barely registered the sound of his footsteps fading away behind her as the kids from nearby tables jeered. Stomach roiling, she threw the remnants of her lunch into the trash can and bolted from the cafeteria._

_She skipped out the rest of the week._

_When she came back, all was as it was before. She was alone._

Emma shook her head, clearing her mind of that horrible experience and blinking away tears that welled up at the fresh opening of old scars. Without another thought, she reached for her phone and called Hook again.

Still no answer.

The day stretched out before her, a blank slate upon which she could write any experience she wished, with no one to argue.

It sucked.

She could just get up, get over herself, and get over to Hook’s new ship. It would be giving in to his pestering in a way, but it would also provide some companionship and distraction from the emptiness that was her new life.

She could do what her heart had urged on and off throughout her time in Storybrooke and run. Getting in her Bug and not stopping until she ran out of gas was an option that was more or less attractive depending on whatever else was going on in her life. She’d be leaving her entire new life behind forever, though. If she ran now, there was no coming back. Her parents would probably be upset with her if they noticed the sudden lack of babysitting options. Henry would most likely never forgive her, but with his new life back in the home where he grew up and with the mother who raised him instead of the one who gave up on him, he might be better off. Happier, even. Regina set up her life extremely well in Storybrooke, and could provide so much more for a child than a small-town sheriff that it wasn’t even funny. Still, Henry would miss her. That much she did know. He did go all the way to Boston to find her. That was when he was beginning to think Regina was the Evil Queen. Now that he knew her back story, and why she did a lot of what she did, he seemed to be more or less okay with who she had been before Storybrooke. It was his idea to move back to help her rebound after Robin and Marian left, after all.

Regina.

Regina would probably laugh, call it her genetic idiocy, and say good riddance. That’s what she’d been wanting from the start, wasn’t it?

Emma huffed as she shook her head free of those doubts. No matter if Regina had wanted her gone early on, they had formed a friendship after Neverland, strengthened by Regina’s own desire to reform and Emma’s desire to learn magic from her. Sharing Henry was a perfect icebreaker for that. Regina, if she ever got around to forgiving her, would probably miss her a little, too.

So, running was out.

Damn it all.

With Hook not answering and no one else around she could spend time with, Emma thought again of the school memory she’d just relived. It was just the latest in a line of many such memories that had been flashing across her mind recently. One or two were by no means unusual, but for her to remember so many truly awful experiences in such a short time frame was out of the ordinary.

Maybe her mind had given up on the magic thing and was trying to torture her.

She snorted at the thought.

“Okay, I have got to get the hell out of this apartment,” she said aloud, voice still raspy from sleep.

To the docks it was, then. After all, Hook had been pursuing her since the Enchanted Forest, and seemed to rededicate himself after Neverland.

He chose her, right?

Emma’s last thought as she headed out her door after showering and dressing in a form-fitting tee shirt and tight black jeans was that this may be the first time she was ever anyone’s first choice.

* * *

Emma strode down the docks with a purposeful swing in her stride. Normally the salty breeze cleared her mind, but the attempt was in vain this time. Too many whispers swirled in her head, fed by too much silence that didn’t let her drown it out.

Avoiding Hook for as long as she had was juvenile. She’d been so intent on figuring things out with Regina and then figuratively running herself into the ground that Hook, and by extension whatever their nascent relationship could be called, fell by the wayside. It was time to fix that. Three failed attempts to reach him by phone that morning led her to try and approach him at the docks. He was probably still having trouble working his smart phone, she reasoned.

Her boots clumped along the wooden docks in time with her beating heart. Emma knew she wasn’t the best at confronting her feelings, but the four years she’d been in Storybrooke were also the longest she’d ever spent in a single place. She started listing her reasons for going to Hook aloud, complete with hand gestures for emphasis, to convince herself it was the right time to recommit to her relationship with the pirate as she paced the dock.

“Everything changes, right? You can do this, Emma. Nothing to be afraid of here. He’s your sort-of-kind-of-maybe boyfriend. Just go apologize, ask for forgiveness, and promise to make him more of a priority. He’s the only person who actually wants to spend time with you. He chose you. Let him know he made the right choice.”

“Emma? Is everything all right?”

She stopped cold at the gentle voice calling out from behind her. She felt a surge of humiliation washing around her like the waves below the boards, making her neck run warm with embarrassment at having a witness to her ramblings.

“Hi, Archie,” she tried not to groan. Of all the people to see her talking to herself, it had to be the town shrink. “Yeah, I’m okay. Just trying to work something out in my head.”

“Anything I can help the Savior with?” A kind, understanding smile broke across his face as he shifted Pongo’s leash from his right hand to his left and approached her.

She returned his smile with a sheepish expression. “Oh, no thanks Archie. It’s nothing serious.”

The psychologist approached, restraining Pongo from jumping up on her. “You looked upset a minute ago. Are you sure there isn’t anything you want to get off your chest?”

With a glance at her feet to buy herself time to get her thoughts in order, Emma met his gaze. There was no way she would be willing to bare her soul to a shrink, even one as nice as Archie. Years of mandatory sessions with apathetic counselors telling her exactly what they thought was wrong with her during her foster care stays left her critical of the entire profession. “Yeah, I am. Right now I think I need to work this out on my own.”

“Well, if you ever decide that you want a shoulder to lean on, you know where to find me. My door is always open to Storybrooke’s hero,” he reminded her.

“I appreciate it,” Emma acknowledged.

With a nod and a wave, he and Pongo ambled off, leaving Emma to her thoughts once more.

“Great! Now he probably thinks I’m crazy,” she groaned to herself when she was out of earshot. “Whatever. I’ll deal with that later.”

Wasting no more time for another of Storybrooke’s citizens to see her talking to herself, Emma turned on her heel and marched toward Hook’s new ship.

* * *

Free of doubts and prying eyes, Emma had Hook’s new ship in her sights. Tied up at Storybrooke’s surprisingly adequate deep water pier – she spared a brief thought at how much consideration Regina really had put into this town to include a fantastic harbor – Hook’s new ship bobbed with the low chop rolling in from the sea. She hadn’t seen the vessel yet, and she took the chance to look her over as she approached. She was no _Jolly Roger_ , for sure. About thirty feet long, the ship was painted a deep green with white trim. A small bridge area sat towards her bow, protected from the elements with a structure and windows, but there looked to be ample room for Hook’s quarters below. There was some kind of structure or rigging just aft of the bridge. That was the extent of Emma’s seafaring knowledge, gleaned from both a bail jumper that had a boat and from what she remembered Hook teaching her on their way to Neverland.

She wasn’t exactly a pirate’s ship, but a new start, perhaps.

A new start for them both.

_Not alone. I won’t be alone._

As she got closer, Emma noticed the elaborate letters painted across her stern identifying the boat as the _Swan’s Song_.

He named his new ship after her. Warmth shot through her and settled in her stomach. Of course he was most likely unaware of the real meaning of that phrase in this world, but the thought behind the gesture meant more than the phrase.

Emboldened, Emma increased her pace, noting with the low waves the way the ship bumped against the pier and making sure to step carefully when she boarded. Once aboard, she slipped her boots off, intending her presence to be a surprise. The boat was not overly large, so it was easy to see from one end to the other. Not spying her pirate anywhere above deck, she decided to go below.

Making her way down a small ladder, she noted the knocking getting louder, with a sinking feeling starting in her stomach. Telling herself that it was just that she was closer to the boat bumping into the pier, Emma shrugged it off and made her way to what had to be the captain’s quarters.

The door was locked, and in the quiet of the rest of the ship she heard noises from within. High pitched squeaks and lower groans assaulted her ears, daring her mind to picture what – or who – the pirate was currently doing. With a wince, she felt her stomach clench as the sense of dread intensified. _This can’t be what it looks like. No, not Hook. Not him too. He wouldn’t do this to me, would he? Who in this town would do this to me with him? Do they really hate me that much?_

Calling her magic forward, Emma forced her mind to quiet, remembering the lessons Regina had taught her. She envisioned the bolts in the lock sliding into place and the mechanism releasing. The audible click told her it worked, but it was probably the least satisfied she had ever felt after a successful magic exercise.

Upon entering the room her face twisted into a pained grimace at the full profile view. Tinker Bell’s dirty blonde locks bounced in time with the rest of her body as she rode Hook, whose one good hand was currently busy with one of Tink’s bells.

Her reaction surprised even her. Instead of the red-hot rage that should have engulfed her, she barked out a humorless laugh. “Nice,” she shot, “So this is why you couldn’t be bothered to answer your phone this morning?”

In the abstract, the image of the two of them, freezing mid-thrust with jaws identically agape, was probably one of the funniest things she’d ever seen. “Oh, don’t bother getting up. I know you’re not the only one to blame here, Killian. I wasn’t exactly giving this relationship my all, either. For a long time it’s felt like just something I was supposed to do, not something I wanted to do for myself.”

Tink hadn’t made any effort to cover herself, and just sat where she was. Hook’s mouth was opening and closing like a goldfish by this point. “Swan,” he croaked in a weak protest.

“Don’t,” Emma interrupted, cutting him off with a raised hand, “My heart hasn’t really been in this…”

“Let me explain,” Hook tried, struggling to shift his weight out from underneath Tinkerbelle, who was determined not to move.

“No, no, stay where you are. In a way, this is the best thing that could have happened. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m still incredibly pissed, feeling really betrayed, and if you approach me in the street I can’t promise Little Hook will escape the encounter undamaged, but really, this is a good thing. Don’t worry about me anymore.”

Hook succeeded in pushing the fairy off him this time, and fumbled to his feet, trying to find his clothes at the same time. “This is all a big misunderstanding,” he sputtered.

Emma didn’t even try to choke back her laugh. “In what way is this a misunderstanding? I was distant, you cheated. It’s not exactly unheard of.”

He closed his mouth and nodded, regret and relief warring for dominance in his expression. “I am sorry, Swan. Nothing I can do to change your mind?”

“No, there isn’t, and I’m sorry too,” she nodded, “Oh, and Tink? He really likes it when you swirl your tongue around his…”

“Get out!” the fairy shouted, trying to decide between embarrassment and laughter.

Emma gave another wry chuckle and turned to leave. The whispers in her mind grew louder with each step she took, not quite slamming the door behind her. Ignoring the creaking and bouncing sounds resume behind her, Emma almost ran up the rickety stairs, carrying her boots with her the whole way. She didn’t stop to put them on until she was on solid ground.

_Not good enough. Never enough for anyone. Always second choice._

* * *

Finally done with the two, Emma strode back to her bug.

All her previous restraint fled at this latest betrayal. With no obligations or responsibilities weighing her down, there was only one place to go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise I like Emma as a character. This story was just an effort to push her farther than the show did, then get in her head and see how she'd react. 
> 
> Thoughts?


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again everyone!
> 
> I have to say a huge thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, and sent messages after the last chapter. It makes me so happy to know that something I wrote made such an impact.
> 
> As always, my wonderful beta got this chapter ready for publication. I can't imagine what it might have looked like without such an awesome help!
> 
> I claim no ownership of the show, characters, plot, settings, or dialog, or the Billy Joel lyrics, even as I borrow them.
> 
> Enjoy!

...To heal the wounds from lovers past  
Until a new one comes along

19 October 2014

"Is something wrong with your chicken, Henry?" Regina gently probed, watching her son push his paella around his plate. Ever since Henry came back to live at the mansion, she'd taken to making him a rotation of his favorite meals. He'd been quiet throughout dinner. Not sullen, exactly, more pensive.

He startled as her question shook him out of his thoughts. "Oh, no. The chicken's delicious."

Regina furrowed her brow, puzzling over his unusual attitude. An intelligent boy, Henry still never usually lost himself that deep in his thinking. "What's the matter, then?"

"It just seems like something's missing," he mused.

"I meant to get to the store for the saffron, but I haven't had time with recent events being what they were," she explained, hating how weak her explanation sounded.

Henry shook his head. "No, the food is fine, just as delicious as ever. I mean something else is missing."

As Regina watched her son go back to poking at his food, she tried to keep the conversation going, but every time she brought up a new topic, Henry just shook his head and went back to being silent. She noticed that he seemed to be looking away, casting his gaze on the empty chair to his other side.

Then it dawned on her. He wasn't speaking of something missing from the food, but from the meal. Henry was pointedly looking at the chair Emma Swan usually occupied on 'family dinner' nights. He wanted Emma there. Still, she wasn't ready to give in and acknowledge the gap yet. "Do you mean Robin? You were thinking he and Roland would be joining us? He went back to the forest with his wife. I'm afraid it would be highly inappropriate."

The eyebrow raise she got in answer was enough like her own that Regina thought she was looking in some weird mirror. She had to suppress a shiver at how much of her he'd picked up over the years. "No, Mom, I wasn't thinking we should've invited Robin."

Regina pretended to be in the dark about what he meant, to avoid the conversation he so obviously wanted to have just a bit longer. "I don't know who else you might mean. Ruby? Belle? Your," she tried not to sound too obviously disgusted, "grandparents?"

He just sighed. "Mom, how long are you going to keep being mad at Emma? You're starting to act like some of the girls in school."

Meal forgotten, Regina stared at her son. "I'm what?"

"You're freezing Emma out over an honest mistake she made. The girls at school do that to each other all the time. They're always ganging up on one, and it's always someone different. Drives me crazy."

"And you think that's what I'm doing with Miss Swan?" she laid her fork down before looking at him.

"I don't think; I'm almost positive it is. I know she upset you, but this can't go on forever!"

Regina swallowed. "I admit I overreacted to her, but I'm not ready to kiss and make up yet, Henry. I'm still dealing with the loss of someone the pixie dust foretold was my true love. I said some pretty awful things to her, so I don't even know if she'll be ready to hear my apology yet anyway," she explained, hoping she explained enough for Henry to understand, but vaguely enough to not expose him to the intricacies of adult relationships.

"You're going to need her help to beat whatever is keeping us trapped by the ice wall," Henry pointed out.

"You're right," she sighed. It was hard to admit defeat in the face of early-teenaged logic, but she couldn't very well deny what he was saying. "I'll text her tomorrow morning to test the waters, okay?"

Her answer was apparently what he wanted to hear, as she was rewarded with a genuine smile that warmed her to her core. "Thanks, mom."

Much later, after she had finally banished the doubts and worries of how to make amends with the Sheriff occupying her consciousness and found a fitful slumber, the shrill ring of her cell phone dragged her back into wakefulness.

"Y – yes this is Mayor Mills…What?...She did what?...I'll be right there."

Regina made her way down the stairs into the Rabbit Hole, figuring that would make for a more dramatic entrance than teleporting herself. She was there on a mission, not to enjoy herself. In the more than thirty years she'd lived in Storybrooke, she could not count any other occasion she'd been called on to perform this particular duty. Hopefully it would be a quick in-and-out and she could be home without Henry noticing anything amiss.

There were a few occasions before she adopted her son that she patronized the establishment, but afterward, she never saw it as the choice a responsible, loving mother would make. Her drinking became confined to the Mansion after Henry was asleep.

Looking around, she took in the somewhat unfamiliar décor. Some places around Storybrooke had started to change after all the curses with the Rabbit Hole leading the way. With the breaking of her curse, its drywall and plaster interior with bizarre abstract art had swiftly given way to exposed brick arches which somehow didn't clash with the backlit glass display shelves they housed. Away from the bar, groups of tables were clustered close, but not too close to each other to allow patrons some privacy. Regina rolled her eyes at the entirely unsubtle nod to the suits of cards on the tablecloths.

Off in the corner, two pool tables took up the space near a large stone fireplace that looked like locally-sourced stone. The bar itself wouldn't be out of place in any of the shows she'd seen on television. Looking around, she could see why the young-adult crowd enjoyed it so much.

The clinking of glasses rose over the low hum of conversation from around the interior, punctuated occasionally by shouts of triumph from the pool tables or bark of laughter from a table.

All in all, the Rabbit Hole was a good place to go for a drink.

Craning her head to find the bartender, Regina found his disgruntled expression similarly searching for her. With a jerk of his thinly-bearded chin, he indicated the corner of the bar where Regina saw a familiar flash of blonde hair above the particular shade of red she had grown to know so well. Heart sinking at the thought of this particular confrontation about to unfold, she gritted her teeth and made her way over to Emma's bar stool.

When she approached, she noticed the group of men her call had warned her about, all glowering at the back of Emma's head. Regina narrowed her eyes, making sure they didn't pose any renewed threat. On closer examination, each member of the cluster of approximately six men were gingerly rubbing areas of their bodies that were presumably bruised. One rubbed an ugly contusion on his face, two were gently massaging their hands, and two more were rubbing their legs. The one among them who was having the most trouble keeping up his glare was Doctor Whale, who was alternating between bending over at the waist and grimacing as he readjusted his slacks. Ha! Emma got him in the balls. She may have done the female population of Storybrooke a service by taking that horny bastard out of commission for a while, Regina gloated to herself.

With the wry thought that she didn't want to bear witness to the further drunken beating of six Storybrooke residents, Regina moved to intervene. She waved an imperious hand at the group of men, who bristled at the gesture, but receded a few feet, allowing the Sheriff's boss to take control of the situation.

Emma hunched over her glass, with a pool cue laid out in front of her, ignoring her surroundings except the bartender. He'd said on the phone that the Savior was getting royally shitfaced and beating up any male bar patron who got too close, but she seemed to have settled down for the most part.

As Regina worked up the fortitude for the coming scene, Emma broke her silent staring contest with the tumbler in front of her by waving the bartender over. Deciding to remain incognito a bit longer to learn what she could of Emma's mental state, Regina focused her magic and cast a glamour spell, disguising her as a woman in her late twenties that would blend into the background in a place like this. If she got the spell right, she could almost pass for a golden-blonde Ruby Lucas. She held the bartender's eyes for the entire transformation, so he knew who she was.

She took the seat two over from Emma and gestured for a drink of her own, which the bartender slid to her before addressing Emma. "What can I get you, Princess Swan?"

She growled at the title, forcing Regina to hide a smile. It was technically true, but Emma Swan was as uncomfortable with the thought of being a princess as anyone had ever been. She wasn't exactly born into it, and Regina had watched with some amusement as the blonde struggled with the idea of being the daughter of royalty. When the Sheriff responded to the bartender, her voice was slow and halting, as if it was taking more than the normal effort for her to form words.

"Poor me…poor me…pour me another shot of whiskey!" she grinned to herself, speaking faster the more she got into her request. "I don't even like country music that much, but I heard that one on the radio in my car once."

"Hilarious," the man grunted as he filled her glass.

As he slid it over to her, Emma reached out and grabbed his wrist. "Hey, w – wait a minute. What's your name? We haven't been properly inyr…intra…we haven't met yet," she finished after drunkenly stumbling over her words.

Regina rolled her eyes, finding the blonde's inebriation more amusing than she expected. Coming into the bar she'd planned to rip into the irresponsible woman, chastising her for setting such an awful example for their shared son. Seeing the crowd of men she'd literally beaten back, and watching her stumble over her words was endearing, rather than irritating.

The man behind the bar stuttered at the odd request, but Emma didn't give him any time to answer her. "I've got it! Your name is Jim, right? Jim jiminey, chim chimney, chim chim cher-oo. Ha!" she slapped the bar, celebrating her assertion. "Wait! Is that like, a thing? Was Mary Poppins a real person in the Enchanted Forest? She was a Disney character, too, right?"

Barely able to stifle her groan, Regina watched the bartender shake his head, mutter something that only he could hear, and pour Emma's refill. He turned to move off to handle another patron, but she slammed her drink in one gulp and grabbed his wrist again.

"Leave the bottle this time, you stingy bastard," she snarled, but her tone lacked any real malice. Emma snorted before downing the amber liquid.

"Rough day, Sheriff?" the bartender asked as he refilled her glass, only setting down the bottle of what Regina could now see was a non-premium Irish whiskey at what must have been her glare.

"Oh, no. Not at all. I'm just peachy keen, jelly bean," Emma let out a giggle, "Just out for a drink with my good friend Paddy here," she retorted, gesturing to the bottle.

"I only ask because most folks don't take four feet of good pool cue to a few of my best customers and then go back to drinking themselves into a stupor for shits and giggles," the man replied.

Mood suddenly somber, Emma's chuckles ceased immediately. "After the last few days that I've had, I'd think drinking and defending myself would be a step in the right direction," she said, voice so low Regina had trouble understanding her.

He didn't even bother hiding his chuckle. "That so? The daughter of Snow White and Prince Charming having a bad day?"

It was apparently the wrong thing to say to Emma Swan at that moment. "Yeah, I fucking am!" she growled before ticking off her points on her fingers. "Let's see: I walked in on my ex-boyfriend cheating on me just this afternoon."

It was fortunate that Emma was so lost in her thoughts that she took no notice. Regina's eyebrows rose almost to her hairline as she almost choked on her drink. Captain Guyliner had been so focused on the Savior that she never expected infidelity from him.

"Ouch," Jim – it was as good of a name as any, since he wore no name tag and hadn't introduced himself on the phone, Regina decided – commented with a wince, "How many pieces did you leave him in, then?"

Emma's dark chuckle mirrored Regina's internal humor at the question, knowing that the Savior never would have killed anyone for anything other than defending an innocent. "Part of me really wishes I'd done something like that. I just couldn't even bring myself to care that much. I guess it was just nice that he noticed me enough to try for as long as he did. I wasn't exactly winning any Girlfriend of the Year awards, you know?"

Regina's first reaction was disbelief at hearing the depth of Emma's insecurities. They'd been at each other's throats long after their first meetings, and then Cora, Neverland, and Zelena had taken their attention, but any guy would be lucky to be allowed to date Emma Swan. Intelligent despite her lack of formal education, stunningly beautiful despite a diet that seemed to consist mainly of trans fats and carbohydrates, and loyal to a fault, the Savior was a remarkable woman.

The more she thought about Emma's words, the more Regina remembered what she knew about how awful Emma's childhood had been and connected the dots. For someone like Emma to believe she was someone to be merely tolerated until someone better came along spoke volumes to how she had been treated in the foster care system, to say nothing of being abandoned as a pregnant teenager and sent to jail for her boyfriend's crimes as he skipped town. They knew more of the story now, but it hadn't broken down her walls completely.

The bartender shook his head, breaking Regina's reverie. "Okay, whatever. You get that one. What about being royalty? The daughter of Snow freaking White and Prince freaking Charming? That's got to make up for a lot of shitty days."

Feeling increasingly like a fly on the wall, Regina took a sip of her drink and kept her eyes trained on the mirrors behind the bar. There was no way the blonde would be this forthcoming with anyone she felt was in her inner circle, and despite the slight niggling doubts at invading someone's privacy, she couldn't bring herself to interrupt.

"Are you kidding me? My parents have replaced me with my own brother. Traded me in for a newer model like a damn car. They shoved me through a wardrobe to break the curse and bring back everyone's happy endings – you're welcome, by the way – but to do that I had to grow up a foster kid, sent out to families and returned like a fucking ugly sweater, always told I was never good enough. Never enough for anyone to love," she trailed off, looking into her glass before throwing the liquid back and refilling it.

"That's a shitty way to grow up, but you're here now, right? You've got your kid, and you're friends with the Mayor. There are worse things than being a small-town sheriff," Jim persisted.

"Yeah, and I've been most of those things. Trust me, I know," Emma muttered just loud enough to be heard as she picked at the whiskey label, "but the whole besties-with-the-mayor thing is on a temporary, maybe permanent, hiat…hia…break. She pretty much hates my guts for an honest mistake. I get that it had a pretty bad impact on her life, but it wasn't anything I was trying to do. And the absolute cherry on the crap sundae that is my life, my son has chosen to move back to the mayoral mansion because he doesn't want her to be lonely."

Regina sat immobilized by the shock waves coursing through her system. She had believed that her relationship with Emma, while frosty to begin with, had thawed over time, eventually becoming one of the more solid friendships she could count after Neverland. Hearing the blonde identify her as her best friend, though, was unexpected. She searched her memory, but in all her years of isolation, first in a childhood where friendships were considered distractions and then as the magic-wielding Evil Queen, she could never come up with anyone else who had willingly applied that term to her. She fought off the smile, but was entirely unwilling to stamp down the warmth spreading through her.

The only thing tempering that warmth was her surge of guilt. She had behaved terribly toward Emma when she returned from the past. Although her anger clouded her judgment in the moment, she acknowledged later that there was no way her friend could have known who Marian was and what effect bringing her back from their shared past would have on Regina's life.

She could remain silent no longer. It was time to begin repairing her relationship with Emma Swan. Clearing her throat, Regina got up from her seat and moved directly behind the blonde. Taking a breath, she removed the glamour and stood as herself. "Emma?" she began.

The effect would have been comical to anyone watching from the outside. Every muscle in the blonde's body stiffened at once. She sat up ramrod straight – albeit with a slight sway in her posture – but didn't turn around right away. The bartender, who could see Emma's expression, gave Regina a wince.

Emma made a slow, careful turn of her upper body, keeping her seated position on the stool. When green eyes met Regina's, the older woman saw relief, affection, wariness, embarrassment, and finally anger parade across her face. "Regina? What the hell are you doing here?" she asked with caution coloring her tone. Anger feeding aggression in Emma's demand, distracting from the embarrassment she must have been feeling at Regina overhearing even some of her confession.

Regina pursed her lips, deciding on a reality check to defuse the unexpected tension in the air. It was easier to remain aloof, remembering the primary reason she was angry with Emma, than admit concern and vulnerability. Old habits die hard. "Well, I received a call about a public disturbance involving one of the town's employees, so I thought it advisable to investigate. Would you care to tell me exactly how much alcohol you've consumed this evening?"

Emma turned her body to fully face Regina, and for the first time she saw just how glassy the younger woman's eyes were, even as she snorted her indignance. "No, as a matter of fact I damn well would not. I'm a grown woman, and I can spend an evening with my good friend Paddy if I damn well please."

Momentarily taken aback at her defensiveness, Regina caught movement in the corner of her eye. The bartender was holding up the bottle of whiskey, gesturing to the level of alcohol remaining. "A little over half the bottle, Your Majesty," he informed in a quiet voice, knowing he was going to catch hell.

And he was right. Emma turned so fast her curls swung around her head. The movement was just a bit too much for her inebriation, as it took her a few seconds to stop wobbling on the stool. "Traitorous bastard," she snarled, sending him on his way with what must have been a glare that would have made the old Evil Queen proud.

As she slid the glass away from her, Emma's red jacket caught on the pool cue, which rolled partway across the bar. "Oh, Emma," Regina shook her head, disappointed in how far the Savior had allowed herself to fall that night and using essentially the same tone as she did when Henry broke the rules as a child.

It was the absolute wrong thing to say. The glassiness was gone from Emma's eyes in an instant. "Look, lady, I don't know who you think you are, but you have no right to barge in here and tell me what a colossal fuck-up I am. I know how to hold my booze. I used to live in Boston. You think I haven't had a shit-ton of nights like this?"

"Drinking yourself to death, beating up random bar customers, and verbally attacking someone who shows concern?" Regina shot back, eyebrow perfectly arched.

"My apologies, Your Highness," Emma snarked, stumbling off her stool and quavering her way through an awful curtsey, "but after my real parents left me on the side of the road like trash, etiquette when in the presence of royalty wasn't something my foster parents were big on teaching when I was a child. They were more focused on beating the kids who whined about being hungry or cold. But you'd know all about that, wouldn't you?"

Regina gritted her teeth, prepared to call a fireball to sober up the blonde irritant, but before she could even form the flame Emma forged ahead. "You know what? I'm glad you're here tonight, even if I don't have a fucking idea why you are. I have a bone to pick with you, Regina, Mayor, highness and Majesty, whatever the fuck your other titles are: I'm pissed off!"

"Yes, dear, I think I managed to divine that fact," Regina drawled, unable to stop herself from goading Emma through a show of superiority.

"Well it's your damn fault!" Emma hissed.

Making a show of raising her eyebrows, Regina put her hands on her hips and regarded the Sheriff. "And how exactly is your anger this evening my fault? Should I apologize to the cretins behind me that you so obviously maimed? Should I beg forgiveness from the good bartender back there for your frightful attitude?"

"I WAS HAPPY," Emma almost shouted. Her increase in volume appeared to surprise her even through her drunken haze, and after a beat she continued in quieter, if no less forceful, voice. "I was happy before all this fairy tale shit!"

"You may have been content, Emma Swan, but please don't insult me by claiming that chasing bail jumpers and living hand-to-mouth all on your lonesome brought you any real happiness. Our conversations on Neverland alone give lie to that absurdity."

"It was all I knew. And while I had it, I was happy on my own. Now I've met my son and my parents, gotten to know a bunch of really cool people, even made a best friend, but here I sit, alone again. And it fucking sucks! I used to be happy by myself! I didn't need anyone or anything to complete me. Now I feel like a needy mess and I hate it and it's your fucking fault!"

Emma was almost in tears by this point of her diatribe, but as much as Regina wanted to pull the other woman into her arms and soothe her like Henry during his childhood tantrums – shaking off the wayward thought that if she did that, through the vagaries of her time-stopping curse and her brief stint as Snow White's stepmother, Emma would be the third generation of her family she'd play that role for – all she could think of when she saw Emma clumsily swipe tears from her face was their confrontation outside Granny's.

"You still haven't told me how this wretchedness is my fault, dear," she said, feigning disinterest by looking at her nails.

"You cast the fucking Dark Curse! That curse made my parents think they only had one choice, which was to abandon me. Then it was your overbearing mothering that drove Henry to find me and show me everything I'd been missing, and it's your anger at me after the accident in the past that's pulling everything back away from me. Is this like, some part of twisted revenge against Snow White? Make the Savior miserable?"

"And is this vitriol you're currently spewing somehow supposed to make me feel bad?" Regina shot back, unable to stop the words from escaping.

Emma's response was slurred as she tried to correct a slight wobble. "I don't give two fucks what you think, lady. You've been nothing but a gigantic bitch to me for the past…," she tried counting on her fingers but gave up after 3, "however many weeks since I got back from the fucking PAST. I'm tired of being your punching bag whenever you lower your nose enough to even notice me. Maybe if you took that stick out of your ass, you'd remember that humans make mistakes!"

Incensed, Regina raised her hand without thinking, ready to slap the blonde across the face. She stopped herself short when she saw Emma wince and shrink back, the instinctual reaction of someone accustomed to physical abuse. Appalled at the horrors the other woman must have endured as a child for such an ingrained reaction, her hand lowered as shame coursed through her at the thought that she would be just one more person in a long line to inflict physical pain on Emma.

Behind her, the men Emma had apparently fought with were regrouping, taking strength from Regina's presence. Emma noticed their moves and escaped the confrontation with Regina by grabbing her pool cue once more and holding it like the baseball players Regina saw on television when she was learning about this new world she inhabited. "Ready to rack them up again, boys?" She snarked.

"With that attitude and self-destructive nature, Miss Swan, you'll get plenty of chances to be happy all by your lonesome once more," Regina declared before raising her hands. The look of pure, unadulterated anguish marring Emma's green eyes was the last thing she saw before her magic teleported her back to the mansion's foyer in a swirl of purple and black smoke.

Regret and remorse rose up to choke the breath in her throat. There was almost no way that situation could have gone worse, she realized as she made her way into the living room and sat heavily on the sofa. Instead of offering comfort to a friend in abject misery the way she'd intended, she had allowed drunken aggression to goad her into putting her own walls back up, lashing out in true Evil Queen style and adding to Emma's pain.

When she was able to breathe without feeling sick to her stomach, Regina grabbed for her cell phone and dialed the one person she never thought she'd have to call, especially for something like this. Hello, Snow? Yes, I'm sorry for the lateness of the call, but there's a problem…Your daughter is drunk as a skunk and causing trouble at the Rabbit Hole…Why would I go down there? She's not my daughter; I'm just passing along a message I got as her boss…No, I have no idea why they didn't call you first…Yes, she should still be there, but I have no idea for how much longer. Good luck; you're going to need it."

Ending the call, Regina made her way back to her bedroom, changing back to her pajamas with magic. As the events of this disastrous evening replayed in her mind, she got into bed and curled up in the fetal position.

She didn't even try to slow the tears coursing down her face. I'm so sorry, Emma.

"You know," Emma said to no one, "Before I came to this crazy-ass town, saying that someone poofed out of an argument was never literal." The bartender had taken to completely ignoring her After Regina vanished, the guys at the bar took another look at her pool cue and decided discretion was the better part of valor, backing down. Emma was left to turn to the whiskey bottle and continue drowning her sorrows, adding the confrontation to her already long list.

"Way to go, Emma Swan. You had a perfect chance to start making things right, and you fucked it up as only you can," she mumbled to her glass.

Twenty minutes and three more glasses of whiskey later, she felt another presence behind her. Taking a breath, she turned and saw…"What the hell is that?"

Snow covered Neal's ears as he hung asleep in the baby carrier secured to her waist. Looking at her daughter, disappointment dripped from her features. "Oh, Emma," she groaned, "Is this what you call setting a good example for your brother? Not to mention your son!"

Knowing she looked like a sullen child, Emma folded her arms. "I wasn't thinking of setting an example. I was thinking about getting totally fucking wasted, Mom."

"Regina came here to get you home," Snow continued, ignoring Emma, "but the two of you had some kind of fight, and she called me to come get you. Your father is out on patrol, so I had to wake Neal up, get him strapped into the car, drag him down here, and bring him into this bar, not to mention Elsa had to come too! All so we could put an end to this little snit fit of yours and get you home!" By the end of her scolding, Snow's eyebrows had met in the middle of her forehead, she was so angry.

Emma stood, mouth agape, at being on the receiving end of a 'disappointment' lecture from Snow White herself. She had heard the talk plenty of times from foster parents, but hearing it from her real mother, knowing who she was, cut her to the bone.

Turning to pay her bill, Emma was stopped short when Snow approached, waved Jim over, and settled up for her. "Get in the car," she ordered, marching out of The Rabbit Hole without a backward glance.

Elsa put a comforting hand on Emma's shoulder as the two blondes followed in silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Emma. This work was an exercise in backing her into a corner and seeing how she reacted. We're not there yet.
> 
> Any comments or constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go with another chapter! I hope you're all enjoying this story! My beta did usual awesome work getting things ready to go. 
> 
> I don't own the lyrics, show, characters, settings, plots, or dialog, even though I do borrow them. If I did, I wouldn't be writing fanfiction :)

* * *

_And so it goes, and so it goes  
And you're the only one who knows_

* * *

28 October 2014

The long trudge back to town after defeating Ingrid’s freaky black ice snow monster would have given Emma a lot of time to think if Elsa had remained quiet and left her to her thoughts. Every time the silence grew too awkward, the Arendellean queen attempted to draw her into conversation. Her most recent effort was unfortunate, to say the least.

“So, that was something back there, wasn’t it?” Elsa picked her way over a fallen tree as she tentatively asked her question.

“What was?” Emma asked in return.

Elsa looked at her with a curious expression, concerned at her deflection. “Mayor Mills seemed colder than the ice bridge.”

_Miss Swan, one thing’s abundantly clear: you’ve never had my back, and you never will._ “Yeah, well, the attempt to fix things with Regina didn’t exactly go as well as I hoped it would,” Emma gave a dry laugh as she found the beginnings of the path that led back to Storybrooke’s outskirts. “She still hates me, and that’s not going to change. We teamed up to beat Ingrid’s freaky ice demon, but that’s all it really is now.”

“Will you keep trying?”

“To work with her? I don’t really have a choice. There aren’t too many magic-users here, but I get the feeling that she’d rather work with Gold than me,” Emma explained as they picked up their pace on the cleared pathway.

Elsa pursed her lips. “Will you keep trying to repair your friendship with her?”

With a sarcastic bark of laughter, Emma shook her head, moving quicker as she saw her car parked to the side of the road. “I think if I keep pushing her, she’ll probably fireball my ass into next week.” _You ruined my life. And there is no coming back from that._

“I'm sorry I took off,” Elsa apologized once they were in the car. “The snow queen tricked me. She made it seem like Anna was here. I thought I was chasing her.”

Emma gave her a wan smile. “I get it. I'd do the same thing.”

“So why did you let Regina just walk away?” Elsa persisted in her query, seemingly determined not to allow Emma time to mentally run from the confrontation. She stared out the window at the passing trees, but her question was no less pointed.

Emma grunted, keeping her eyes on the road; the only exception an occasional sidelong glance at her passenger. “You heard her. She wants nothing to do with me.”

Elsa shifted her attention to Emma’s profile. “Maybe you shouldn't give up on her so soon,” she prodded, her voice quiet and calm in the near-silence of Emma’s car.

With a shake of her head, Emma dispelled the notion of keeping after Regina to force a reconciliation. “It's like I said, once you screw someone over, there's no going back,” she answered, hating the defeat she could hear in her own voice. _You got your hopes up again, Swan, and look where it got you. She left, just like everyone always has._

“I don't believe that. If there's one thing my sister taught me, you don't give up on people. If someone's important to you, don't give up on them. Even if they say hurtful things or send a giant snow monster to chase you away,” the Arendellean insisted. As she went on, her tone grew stronger and more forceful, even as she tried to lighten the atmosphere with her closing joke.

“And if there’s one thing that my life has taught me, it’s that eventually, people will leave. For one reason or another, I will always end up alone,” responded Emma, despondence written across her entire being in that moment. It hurt to think of Regina in the same grouping as the dozens of foster parents and false friends she’d lost over the years, but that was the way things seemed to be heading.

Silence reigned in the car after that. Trees eventually gave way to clearings, which led to dirt roads, paved roads, and finally the streets of Storybrooke. Emma spared a thought for how intricate Regina’s plans were to account for everything a small rural town would have.

She consciously took a route detouring around Mifflin Street before ending up in front of the loft. If Elsa noted the evasion, she kept her thoughts to herself. When Emma parked, Elsa unbuckled her seat belt with the usual extra attention she paid to modern devices. “Aren’t you coming inside?”

Emma looked down at her own seat belt before answering. “Nah, I don’t think I can handle the Charmings tonight, especially the kiddo. I’m going to drive somewhere to find some space and time to think.”

The other blonde gave her a knowing smile. “I understand. I’ll – what is it you call it? – run interference with your parents for you?”

“Thanks, Elsa,” Emma replied, smiling her gratitude at the kindness. She backed out of the parking spot after Elsa went inside before driving to the one place she felt certain Regina would be at that particular moment.

Approaching the mausoleum above Regina’s magic-storehouse, Emma noted the closed door and tested her still-unreliable magic. Reaching out with her emotions, she felt an incredibly strong protection spell cast over the small building. Picking up a nearby rock, she carefully hefted it to gauge its weight. With a grunt, she tossed it at the building, only to see a purple shimmer in the air as the spell did its job, flinging the stone off in a random direction.

_Crap. She REALLY doesn’t want to talk to me._

After staring at the mausoleum for a few moments, Emma turned and walked back to her Bug, shoulders slumped in defeat.

* * *

2 November 2014

Fourteen years removed from foster care and nothing had changed, Emma snorted to herself as she trudged through Storybrooke’s northern woods. Changing group homes as often as she changed her socks, she’d gotten used to keeping things to herself. It made it both easier for her to avoid the heartbreak of leaving friends and gave less to older kids looking to be bullies.

Finding family and friends had started to change that, but there she was, stepping around fallen trees and looking for a random ice cream truck, alone in a crowd. The only difference between twelve-year old Emma and thirty-year old Emma was that her current isolation was not her choice.

Regina was continuing her policy of completely ignoring her. When Emma tried to force eye contact for some sort of human recognition, the brunette went so far as to duck behind a tree, shouting at Robin to get the lead out.

Hook had apparently completely moved on from her, spending the entire trek on his phone with Tinker Bell. At least the fairy had taught him how to use his phone, Emma chuckled to herself. Her mirth turned sour when Hook began spouting things like ‘me fair fairy’ and launching into some more risqué remarks about his plans for that evening.

She dropped back to spend some more time around her parents before the group split up to cover more ground, but that wasn’t any better. Mary Margaret and David, not seeing her slowing down to walk with them, were in full discussion on childcare options with their combined work schedules during Maine’s colder months. With the coming school year and David taking on extra time at the station while Emma searched for the Snow Queen, they were apparently in need of alternate arrangements. When they started talking about how to improve Storybrooke’s preschools for Neal and the other children his age, Emma felt a growing ball of nausea settle deep in her stomach. Hearing her parents talking about how to give her baby brother every advantage she’d never had as a kid was a new kind of torture.

Emma had rarely been as relieved as she was when the search party broke up to search different sectors of the forest. Her nerves, already frazzled from the past few weeks, were wearing as thin as they had ever been after the morning of being ignored by those she still considered her nearest and dearest. The rapid transition from feeling like she was a treasured part of a community to a virtual outsider left her disoriented and unsettled as she picked her way toward another potential fight.

The silence echoed in her ears as they stumbled upon the ice cream truck. Emma had to blink a few times to be sure she wasn’t seeing things. A real, honest-to-God ice cream truck in the middle of the Maine woods. She unclipped her radio, clearing her throat. “David, call off the search party. We found the truck near the Merry Men’s camp.”

She looked at Robin, standing guard and looking slightly ridiculous as he stood guard with a 21st century crossbow. “Thanks for keeping an eye out,” she said, proud of herself for only including a tiny bit of sarcasm.

“Gladly. You’re the first sheriff I don’t mind assisting,” came his reply.

At least someone was talking to her.

But just as quickly he turned from her to speak with the Mayor. “Uh, Regina, I was hoping we could talk.”

Regina rolled her eyes, but kept her focus on the truck, pushing forward to the back door. “Um, in case you haven't noticed, I'm about to storm an evil ice-cream truck,” she snarked, pushing past him.

“You could have just said, ‘Maybe later’,” Emma chided, hoping the barb would at least draw a reaction.

“I know you're trying to make everything better, but staying out of it is your best bet. It's bad enough I'm stuck with you on this search. Once we take out Frosty the Snow Bitch, I can finally get a moment’s peace and quiet,” Regina shot back.

Emma blinked her eyes at the explicit rejection in the rebuke. She hadn’t expected anything less, but the sting was still sharp. “Sorry,” she muttered, unsure of what else to say.

Regina snorted. “Of course you are. Just do what you always do and follow my lead.”

Before Emma knew what to say, they were combing through the remnants of her childhood in an empty ice cream truck in the middle of the woods. 

* * *

9 November 2014

The search for the Dairy Queen’s hideout was fast going nowhere, leaving Emma with that rarest of boons in her new life: a day off. When the search of the woods turning up the ice cream truck-turned surveillance van but no Snow Queen, they’d called off the hunt temporarily. David – who had fallen into the role of group leader by default with Regina only interested focusing on something that wasn’t Robin’s wife and Emma getting more and more stuck inside her own head – left them all with the phrase ‘regroup and reassess’.

She’d added next to nothing on the search, depending on Robin Hood and his Merry Men, who she still expected to be a fox and a bear, to find the truck and Hook to break into the freezer. Any of them could have looked through the folder of her past and known what it had meant. She had been almost entirely extraneous on that search, so with David calling for a break, her day off couldn’t have come at a better time.

It also helped that it lined up with her promise to give her parents a night off of their own. She grimaced as she walked from the station to Granny’s, where Cinderella – Ashley, Emma reminded herself with a snort – was holding her Mommy and Me class. It was somehow ironic that Cinderella, a former maid, was teaching new mothers how to take care of children.

Emma held back a huff as her boots echoed on the concrete sidewalk. _Time to go be a good daughter. Maybe they’ll decide that’s enough for them._

There was no part of Emma that had been prepared to babysit her infant brother at the age of 30. She’d never even babysat her foster siblings. Repeat runaway episodes had left her with the ‘unreliable’ reputation that no parents wanted in charge of the younger kids.

Feeling her spirits wane, Emma remembered Elsa’s encouragement in the station and tried to force the negative whispers from her mind. She could do this. She could keep an eye on N – her brother.

She still couldn’t say his name. It wasn’t even his fault, but she still had a twinge of pain whenever she heard her brother’s name. Her parents meant well, she knew that, but privately she thought it was still an uncaring move on their part to name their son what they did. If she had been asked she would have suggested something, almost anything else. Not that she’d expected them to consult her at all; what her parents named their children was their business, but when they’d decided to call him after her son’s dead father, a simple heads’ up would have made the moment easier on her, rather than hearing the name along with everyone else at Granny’s.

When Emma tried to push the mounting irritation back to the corners of her mind, she became conscious of some streetlights flickering in the broad daylight as her magic started to go haywire. Calmness was key with magic and babies. The kid would probably sleep a while when she had him. She could probably play with him for a bit, then he’d conk out and she’d have something that was increasingly rare around Storybrooke: downtime. It had been so long since she’d been able to play Angry Birds that she almost expected a notification to appear on her phone one day asking if she was still alive.

Looking up at the front sign for Granny’s, Emma took a deep breath and walked through to the bed and breakfast portion of the business.

* * *

Her timing was almost perfect. Almost.

Emma got to the class just as they were singing a song that consisted entirely of saying goodbye to all the babies by name. It was cute, but seeing the faces of every woman in the room smiling as broadly as they could down at their babies pulled uncomfortably on strings in her mind. She had far too many memories of watching younger foster kids leave the group homes with parents who smiled that way at them, always wondering why she was never chosen. Why she wasn’t good enough to be loved that way. Why she never saw loving smiles, only guarded grimaces.

Seeing Mary Margaret looking at Neal that way hurt, as if a physical crack etched its way across her heart. All she had ever wanted was for a mother to look at her that way, and now her own mother was looking at her replacement with more love than Emma had ever seen in her life.

Still, she made a promise, and it wasn’t the baby’s fault. Emma took another deep breath, pushing aside the irrelevant thought that if she had to keep breathing this deeply she’d eventually hyperventilate, and then another that Snow could have been a bit more tactful when she laughed at Aurora’s question about CDs. Any other day it would have been impossible to stifle a chuckle of her own at the reaction of someone from the Enchanted Forest to a piece of 21st century technology from her world, but with the stress of the day, the disconnect barely registered.

“Emma! You missed The Goodbye Song!” Mary Margaret chirped, not missing a beat.

With a shrug, Emma gave in to the situation and offered a tight smile. “I got the gist of it from the title. Is baby bro ready?”

“Yes. Oh, just a few things. Uh, diaper bag, stroller, milk,” Mary Margaret pointed to each in turn.

She took it all in, swallowing hard on some of the meaner things she wanted to say. “He sure has a lot of stuff,” she muttered, picking up the bottle.

“Well, I wanted to give him everything,” her mother explained, oblivious to the effect her words had on her daughter.

Emma’s eyebrows rose as the remark hit home. This could have been hers. She’d seen her nursery in the ruined palace when she and Snow went through the portal after the wraith. It was lavish, almost as nice in its devastion as some of her foster care rooms had been. Now, here Mary Margaret was doing this world’s version of that, giving her baby everything she could. Everything Emma could have had. Everything she never did.

Thankfully, Ashley chose that moment to greet her, heading off Emma’s wounded retort. “Oh, Ashley. Look at you! The Baby Whisperer,” she answered, thanking every deity she could remember for the interruption.

“What can I say? I just took to it. Now, if you need help getting him to sleep, just tell him he’s going to turn into a pumpkin by midnight,” she grinned at her own joke.

“So this is what you do here, you give sleeping tips and sing songs, and…” she trailed off, not having observed any other things Ashley did for this Mommy and Me group to add to her list.

“Oh, it’s more than just that; it’s like having a support group. I mean being a first-time mother is not easy.”

“First-time mother,” Emma murmured out of the side of her mouth, wanting some kind of reassurance from Mary Margaret but feeling another unintentional shot hit home. Of course it was a support group for first-time mothers. Of course neither of her parents had ever called it that in her presence. Mary Margaret was not a first-time mother with Neal, but she was a first-time baby-raiser, having sent her own firstborn through a magical portal at all of five minutes old with only the word of a glittery moth that it would be safe.

“Emma! Of course I’m not a first time mother,” Mary Margaret whispered, trying to head off an emotional scene.

It had the exact opposite effect. Emma felt the last shards of control she had over her magic shatter along with her emotional restraint. She could no more control her next words than she could have made the sun rise in the west. “Well, you kind of are. You’ve never raised a baby before,” she gave a dry, humorless chuckle, “You just put one through a magical wardrobe.”

“Emma,” her mother said, trying to console her.

“It’s okay,” she insisted, trying to appear calm, “I get it. It’s all new for you. This is exciting. ‘Mommy and me’ classes and first steps and all. It must be really…exciting,” she finished.

Silence reigned. At first Emma thought it was her loss of verbal and emotional control, but as she looked around, Mary Margaret, Ashley, and Aurora were all staring down, brows furrowed in identical expressions of worry.

“W – what?” She asked, forcing a smile as she tried to appear like she wasn’t as upset as she was.

“The bottle,” Aurora explained, not looking away. Emma shifted her own gaze to the point they were watching, and saw her hand glowing as the milk in the bottle boiled. Her magic was out of control.

“Oh, um,” she muttered, forcing her magic back down and cooling the milk. “It’s just, you know, magic. I’ve been practicing to try to capture the Snow Queen and I guess I must just still be a little revved up,” she finished, clearing her throat.

Mary Margaret kept her gaze fixed on the bottle as if she couldn’t believe what she’d seen.

“Okay, phew!” Emma said, plastering a smile on her face and moving to take her brother. If she could get him into the stroller, she could get the hell away from the emotional scene and work on reestablishing her control while Junior slept.

Then it happened.

Something that hadn’t happened since the Curse broke and she knew her parents for who they were: someone turned away from her in fear. Not uncommon when she was robbing stores and getting into trouble as a rebellious foster child, it was wholly unexpected when Mary Margaret turned away from her, shielding the baby from Emma with her own body.

Her own mother protected a baby from her.

_My own mother thinks I’m such a danger she won’t trust me with my own brother._

Another person came to her rescue when her phone rang. David, telling her that they’d tracked the Snow Queen to the clock tower.

“The Snow Queen is in the clock tower,” she explained the call to the little group. “Guess I’ll have to take a rain check on babysitting?” she asked her mother.

Emma tried not to show how much seeing Mary Margaret’s relief hurt as she all but sprinted out of Granny’s. Run away from the scene. Run away from the memories and whispers. At least she could put her magic to good use against the Snow Queen, instead of terrifying her own mother.

_I’m a monster._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Emma's just about backed into a corner. Wonder how she'll react.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I don't own the show or the lyrics. If I did, I wouldn't be writing fanfiction, right? :) 
> 
> Enjoy!

* * *

_And still I feel I said too much  
My silence is my self defense_

* * *

2 November 2014

* * *

Emma briefly wondered if the sensation of warring sets of thoughts swirling through her mind was like what the fairy tale characters experienced when the first curse broke: complete and distinct timelines of memories taking up the same headspace. In her case, however, it was conflicting sets of emotions driving her crazy.

The spell had worked. When she and Elsa had tried the freaky dragon-fire candle thing in the station, her unsettled emotions sapped her magical energy and the fire fizzled and sparked out without effect. After racing from Granny’s to the clock tower and finding Ingrid, her mind calmed as she focused on the threat. Emma reacted on pure instinct, and within seconds, the chains were secure and they were on their way to the station.

Now, in the silent yellow Bug, her mind started creating its own discordant choruses again. She couldn’t stop thinking about the look on her mother’s face. It hurt to even think of Mary Margaret as her mother after the outright rejection, but that was the only term her brain would apply. The woman had never gazed at her with anything other than acceptance and love – with the possible exception of regret a few times when she thought about all the years they lost to the Curse – after everyone’s memories came back, but that day her own mother had looked at her with fear and distrust.

When Emma was able to wrench her mind away from her mother’s face, she felt a surge of confidence after how quickly she was able to use the magical fire to essentially arrest the Snow Queen. Her magic had been tough to bring under control, and it was still wonky even at the best of times. Going up to the clock tower was definitely not what she wanted to do after what happened just before, but apprehending the Snow Queen was just the confidence boost she needed.

“Emma, are you all right?” Elsa asked from the passenger seat.

She shot a quick glance across the car at her…friend? ally? Not entirely sure what to call the other blonde, Emma settled on shrugging. “I’m fine. Why do you ask?”

Elsa offered a wan smile. “You just had a very…intense look on your face for a moment. We’re about to interview the Snow Queen, so I wanted to be sure you were going to be okay.”

“Yeah, I’m fine, Elsa. Just a lot of stuff on my mind,” she hedged. As much as she liked Elsa, she hadn’t known the other woman for nearly long enough to feel comfortable opening herself up to explain why she was upset.

Elsa took a small breath. “Well, if you ever need anyone to talk to, I’m not part of your family, so it might be easier to unburden yourself to a stranger.”

With a grateful smile, Emma shook her head. “Thanks, but right now I think I just need to work through it myself. I appreciate the offer, though.”

“What’s our plan for questioning her?” Elsa asked, gesturing to the blonde head in the back of David’s cruiser as they followed him back to the station.

Emma grunted. “Good cop, bad cop?”

“I think I saw that on a police show once at David and Mary Margaret’s one night,” the queen chuckled, “That’s where you and I take turns, one of us being mean and harsh in our questions and the other showing her kindness to break down her defenses?”

That made Emma laugh. “Yeah, that’s about right. What do you think?”

“I think I’d make a good bad cop,” Elsa said, staring out the window.

It was a challenge, but Emma was able to swallow the laugh that threatened to emerge.

Barely.

* * *

“All right, Queenie, time to talk,” Emma grunted, swaggering into the station’s one interrogation room with all the false bravado she could manage. As she turned to face the older woman, she couldn’t help wincing as her wound tugged.

_Control. Dominance. Authority. You can do this._

“Ooh. You should get that looked at, Emma,” the prisoner cooed with a sickly sweetness that made her stomach turn.

Emma’s eyebrows rose as she folded her arms across her chest. There was a chair in front of her, but for the moment she remained standing, knowing the inherent authority that came from standing in front of a seated person. “Oh, now you want to play nice?”

_Weakness. Attack. Exploit._

“With you two? Don't you understand? That's all I've ever wanted,” the Snow Queen replied, looking back and forth between them with a sincerity that was unsettling. Over her three decades, Emma’s super power had gotten her out of one jam after another. She’d learned to trust it, but there were moments it drove her crazy. Like that moment: every sense she had was telling her the Snow Queen was telling the truth, or at least that she believed that she was.

Elsa took over the questioning. “We don't care what you want,” she shot back, “Where is Anna? She's alive. We know it. We heard her heartbeat.”

“You heard her heartbeat?” With nothing more than a slight shift in tone and inflection, the older woman was able to completely shift her bearing from sincerity to dubiousness at the statement.

“From Bo Peep's Crook,” Elsa clarified, moving closer to the desk.

“Sounds like someone's grasping at straws about their long-lost sister.” With each new statement, the Snow Queen’s manner grew more condescending, more irritating, even though her body hadn’t moved an inch.

“What happened to her?” Elsa demanded, leaning over the table in an attempt to intimidate some answers out of the handcuffed woman.

Emma had to shake her head at the Snow Queen’s braggadocio as she dismissed Elsa’s driving motivation. “I'm not sure you should care. I told you... she's the one who put you in that urn. I have no idea why you'd want to find someone like that,” she offered in false sympathy.

“Because she is my sister and she would never do what you say,” Elsa’s vehemence was overpowering. It was like looking into a mirror of herself, Emma decided. Both of them were magic users, both fiercely dedicated to protecting their family members, even when they – assuming the prisoner was telling the truth – were less than dedicated to Elsa and Emma themselves.

“Or she's your sister and she couldn't handle what you... what we... are, and she did exactly as I say,” the Snow Queen was deflecting their inquiries, getting them off-track with the ease of a practiced master.

“No!” Elsa shouted, pounding the desk.

“Elsa,” Emma chided, reaching out for her arm and guiding her toward the door, “Please. Take it easy. She's getting under your skin. Don't let your emotions cloud your judgment. If we want answers, we have to be calm.”

Elsa looked at her with defeat in her eyes but protested, unwilling to let go of the most solid lead they had as to her sister’s whereabouts. “She knows what happened to Anna.”

“And we're gonna figure it all out,” replied Emma, keeping her tone calm and even, “You go help David and Hook try to figure out how to take apart her mirror. I got this.”

“Emma...” Elsa protested one last time.

“I got it,” Emma promised.

The door closed with a resounding thud.

“Okay. Now it's just me,” she said to the back of the Queen’s head.

_Calm. Confidence. Stay in control._

As ever, the older woman remained unperturbed. “Good. You're the one I wanted to talk to anyway.”

With a scoff, Emma took the seat across from her prisoner. “Yeah, yeah. I know. You want me to turn to the dark side and be your... sister-buddy-something or other. I'm not interested.”

“I'm so proud of you, Emma,” came the almost-motherly reply, more than slightly unnerving in its resemblance to how Mary Margaret acted immediately after the Curse broke.

_Deflection. Focus. Keep on track. You’re stronger than her._

Shaking her head, Emma headed off that line of conversation to maintain control of the interrogation. “No, that's not gonna work. I know that we have a past, which we're gonna get into. But you're not gonna push my buttons.”

“I'm being completely sincere. Use your super power... you'll see I'm telling the truth,” the Snow Queen pressed, shrugging her shoulders as casually as if she was saying someone should check her ID to buy a six-pack at the corner store.

_Surprise. How could she know that?_

For the first time, Emma was taken aback. “How do you know about that?” She asked after a few moments.

“You told me. When you were a child. What a lovely child you were. I am so grateful I got to know you then,” came the proud reply, almost wistful in its nostalgia.

_Missing something. Something big. Walking into a trap. Get out of it. Back to the interrogation._

“Don't talk to me like we're friends,” dismissed Emma, shaking her head for extra emphasis.

“We're not friends, Emma. We're family,” the Queen insisted, speaking slowly and forcefully as if talking to a child.

_Family. What does that even mean? I thought I knew but… She’s getting you off-track. Get back in control! You’re stronger than this._

Emma wasn’t entirely sure how she ended up on the defensive in her own interrogation, but felt the need to disagree just to regain control over the interview. “I know that's what you want, but whatever past we had... the past you stole from me... I know enough to tell you about the future. And what you want? It ain't gonna happen, sister.”

And still the Queen continued her calm, almost condescending manner. “Oh, but it will. You see, at the end of the day, you'll understand that everything that I've been saying is true. And then you'll do the last thing in the world you'd think possible right now.”

“Yeah? What's that?” asked Emma with more than a touch of sarcasm.

“You're going to let me go.”

_Bullshit. No way am I letting this witch loose on Storybrooke._

Emma took a moment to study the older woman after that statement. Her lie detector wasn’t going off, so the Queen actually believed what she was saying, but there was no scenario in which Emma envisioned releasing her.

With a deep breath, ever the picture of calm, the other woman looked around the interrogation room as if only now remembering what it was and gazed at Emma. “Now, then... What would you like to talk about?”

_Losing control. She knows something. Something’s wrong._

  
Returning to the matter at hand, Emma started fresh, giving the Queen a glass of water. Starting this interrogation thread, she chose to stand again. “So, the spell of shattered sight. Pretty impressive stuff.”

“What does it matter? You stopped me,” the older woman answered without really answering. It was a little eerie how she didn’t blink, though.

_She’s too confident. What does she know? How does she know ME? Why don’t I know her?_

When Emma pressed on, she leaned over the table for any extra intimidation she could get. “That's right. I did. We know who you are. We know what you're planning. And we know that for some sick, twisted reason, you want Elsa and me to replace your long-lost sisters,” she explained.

“Well, then, you have all your answers. May I retire to my cell now?” Even though the Queen spoke with sarcasm that would have impressed Regina – Emma halfway wondered if there was some class princesses took to speak with such amazing sarcasm before they could become queens – she could tell the older blonde wasn’t lying. It still didn’t answer her question.

_Losing control. She’s not letting you ask the questions you need. FOCUS._

“No. I want to know why. Why have you been tracking me my whole life?” her next questions were softer, less of an interrogation and more of a personal plea. She had to know the answers. She had to know why she mattered so much to this woman she didn’t remember.

“I was trying to protect you, Emma,” the Queen insisted, her soft tone belying the steel underneath her manner.

_Protect me. Right. That’s why I was robbed, teased, bullied, abused? You were trying to protect me?_

It was the wrong thing to say. Emma prided herself on one thing more than almost any other: her independence and ability to protect herself. She’d earned the capability the hard way. “Is that what you were doing in the foster home? Protecting me? So why did you erase my memories? Because they were just too good?”

“Every family has their ups and downs. You see…”

_She calls you family. It has more than a ring of truth. Familiarity. Caring. Concern. Protection. Did you feel any of that this morning at Granny’s?_

“No, you and I... we are not family. I have one of those, and it spans three generations and 400 years.”

“Family isn't about blood. It is a bond far stronger than mere genetics. Elsa and I are your real family because we are the only ones like you. We belong together,” she looked down to her glass and spoke in a low, slow voice, making her point with sheer emphasis, “The family that you think you have... They may love you, but they also fear you.”

_Snow’s face as she protected your own brother from you. Fear. Doubt. Mistrust. You’re not LIKE them._

“No. They don't,” protested Emma, standing up in defiance, but in her heart the doubts grew at the unbidden images from the morning.

“You've never seen them wince at your power? You've never seen a twinge of panic just behind their eyes? Not even once? I find that hard to believe,” she retorted, voice growing in volume and intensity as she went on. It was almost as if she’d seen the scene inside Granny’s earlier that day.

_You’ve seen all that and more. Neverland. Another baby. ‘Do it right.’ ‘Give him everything.’ You got nothing. Dumped on the side of the road like trash._

Emma froze in place, recalling the way Snow shrank back, protecting N – her brother from her wonky magic. Her fingers tensed, clenching around the urge to smack the smirk off Ingrid’s face. “They love me for who I am, including my powers,” she hissed, hating that she was starting to see Ingrid in any positive light.

“I thought that once, too, Emma. It's understandable you feel upset.”

The older woman’s voice was quiet, firm, and unsettling, like one of the many therapists Emma had been forced to see as a child. She spoke with the certainty of experience, of knowledge, and it drove the turmoil inside Emma’s mind to new heights of frenzy.

_Fear. Mistrust. You’re the ‘other’. The one to protect innocents from. Dangerous power. Do they even love you? Or are they just using you for your powers to protect them?_

From her time chasing down bounty jumpers, Emma knew that frequently best offense was a good offense, so she deflected the question to ask one of her own. “Now you think you know how I feel?”

“I know you better than you know yourself, Emma.”

With every word the Snow Queen got further into Emma’s thoughts, making her doubt herself and everything she thought she knew about her own past. “Yeah, because you took... what?... A year from my life?”

“When you lived with me, you talked about your parents all the time. You were so angry with them for giving you up.”

_Giving you up. Dumped on the side of the road. Unwanted. Unloved. UnlovABLE. Useful, but not worthy. They never wanted you. No one ever did. Never anyone’s first choice. Except Lily, and that was only after she screwed you over._

“They had a good reason for that. I know that now,” Emma retorted, determination to hold onto that fact adding steel to her words. The words were so accurate that she couldn’t even argue it anymore. Somehow, some way, this woman had been a confidante of hers as a child. For whatever reason, teenaged Emma had trusted the woman in front of her in shackles. After the series of personal betrayals and disappointments from the past few weeks, Emma found herself fighting a surprising pull toward her prisoner.

“It doesn't change the fact that you felt unwanted for 28 years,” the Snow Queen reasoned, maintaining her calm, ingratiating tone and nonthreatening pose even as her disconcerting words echoed the growing clamor inside Emma’s mind.

Her emotions fraying, Emma got up and started pacing in front of the desk, trying to clear her head of all the commotion and calm the increased tingling she felt coursing up and down her limbs, reaching her very core. “They didn't have a choice,” she rumbled, frustration mounting at herself. She felt an obligation to defend her parents, who did what they felt they had to do, and had proven adequate…friends?...partners?...in Storybrooke since. It was hard to think of someone technically younger than oneself as a parent, the 28-year time freeze made her parental relationships even stranger than she had ever imagined they would be.

“There is always a choice, Emma. They could have kept you. They could have figured out something else. They could have tried,” came the reply. Her soft demeanor was gone, replaced by pushing, prodding, and goading.

_Every sleepless night, every wasted day, wondering why my parents didn’t want me. I thought after the Curse broke they did, but now? Do they still? Did they ever? Abused, unwanted, unloved, undesired. Always forgotten. Always alone. Now look where you are. Alone again._

“They did what they could to save an entire Kingdom,” Emma answered, slamming her hands on the desk, realizing how weak she sounded. Even defending her parents like that made it sound like they gave her up to suit themselves, never to keep her safe. . She was the one being interrogated, the way she kept flailing against the queen’s verbal assaults from the defensive, pushed to admit something she couldn’t. The worst part of everything she was hearing was how reasonable it all was. The older woman seated across from her was doing nothing but giving tangible voice to every doubt she’d been fighting over the past few weeks. And it was working.

“You were their only child. And they used you to break a curse. They're still using your powers,” the queen goaded.

_What do you do with a tool when its purpose is fulfilled? Discard it. Throw it away like trash. Oh, wait…they’ve done that before. Throwing you away was your only purpose._

“That's not true,” Emma argued, but her replies were getting weaker every time.

“Isn't it? How many times have you saved them? How often have you felt more like a "Savior" than their daughter? And all it takes is one tiny mistake, one accident, and you and your powers go from being their salvation to their worst nightmare.” The blue eyes across the table burned holes into her very soul, articulating thoughts Emma had only recently begun allowing her brain to form. The whispers were getting louder.

“You don't know them or me.” Short, clipped words shot like bullets at her adversary, desperate to find any maneuvering room to clear her mind.

“I don't have to know you, Emma. I've _been_ you... different, misunderstood, alone. And now they've chosen to have a new child. And don't you think that they thank their lucky stars every day that he was born normal?” The queen put a sickening emphasis on the last word, seemingly knowing how devastating the blow would be.

_Different. Misunderstood. Alone. Just like you always were .Just like you’ll always be. Neal used you, then let you take the rap for his crimes. Pregnant teenager in prison. No man ever wanted you for more than your body. You’ll just be alone again._

_Alone. Unwanted. Unloved. Unlovable. Undesired. Undesirable. Worthless. Trash._

“They love me,” Emma growled, her rage building as it drew fuel from her uncertainty. Snow’s face that very morning at Granny’s fed the greatest fire. She lost the battle for control over her emotions with an almost audible snap. Her hands started tingling like they had fallen asleep, but only more so. It was almost painful. She was dimly aware of the ignored glass of water she’d given to the Snow Queen boiling like it was on a stove burner.

Still the older woman prodded her. Needled her. Pushed her. “You can't love somebody you don't understand. And do you know what happens when people don't understand something? They learn to fear it. And then they look at it like a monster!”

_Monster. That’s how Snow looked this morning. Protecting her baby from a danger. A monster. You’re a monster. That’s how they see you. Monster._

_Monstrous._

_A threat._

_Trash._

_Never good enough._

_Monster._

The voices inside Emma’s head became overwhelming, taking on tangible form in the person of the woman seated in front of her. Her thoughts jumbled, she couldn’t focus on any one in particular with any clarity. The more she tried, the more confused she got, lost in the whirling noise. She had to do whatever she could to silence the cacophony. Turning and slamming her hands on the table, Emma willed the pain screaming up her arms to override her mental anguish, drown out the voices. “Shut up!” she shouted at the top of her lungs.

Regina had once told her in one of their early training sessions that magic was emotion given tangible form. In this case, her magical emotional release manifested as a swirl of light. She was almost knocked backward by the roar of an energy blast that blew a hole in the station wall.

The cinder block-and-mortar side of the station.

Which now featured natural air conditioning.

“W-what did you do to me?” Emma stammered as she looked at the white sparks flicking back and forth from fingertip to fingertip. It was something akin to having an out-of-body experience, as if she was not connected to her own physical body, just hovering and watching it all happen.

_Monstrous. Look what you did. One little slap and you destroy buildings. People you love aren’t safe around you anymore. No wonder they fear you._

_Just like any other monster._

It was somehow the least surprising event of her day when the Snow Queen wiggled her fingers, making the supposedly magic-proof cuffs disappear. “Ah,” she breathed in relief as she massaged her wrists, “All I did is show you who you really are.”

“M-make it stop,” pleaded Emma, now hoping for help from the woman who until moments ago had been tormenting her.

“I can't. It's you, Emma, and... It's beautiful.” With a flick of her fingers, the Snow Queen disappeared in a swish of snowflakes.

She walked through the station’s newest window and gaped at the damage, wrought by her own hand and out-of-control emotions. What had once been a solid wall of cinder block and mortar now lay in rubble at her feet, solely due to her haywire magic. “What have I done?” she murmured, shock overtaking her system.

After a brief moment when she felt incapable of doing anything more than stand and stare, it seemed as if half the town ran up to the station. Her parents, Elsa, Henry, Hook, Tinkerbell, Gold, and Belle all approached the scene of the destruction. Everyone was there. Except Regina.

“Emma! You all right?” her fath – David asked, first to speak.

“We were so worried,” Snow chimed in, but the memory of how the woman shied away from her made the comment ring hollow.

Nevertheless, Emma couldn’t let anything happen to them because of her magic. “Wait!” She shouted, hoping against hope the group would actually listen and stop.

“Seems you didn't need my help after all,” Gold observed, limping along behind everyone else with Belle.

Hook must have been feeling residual guilt, as he approached her from the outside, putting himself between her and any external threats. “Swan, what did that monster do to the Sheriff's Station?”

_Monster Monster Monster Monster Monster Monster. You’re a monster. A pirate who spent literal centuries pillaging and plundering just called you a monster._

“The ‘monster’ who did this was not the Snow Queen. It was me,” Emma growled, hating every word that came out of her mouth.

David, bless him, looked like he refused to even entertain the notion that she could do something so destructive. “What?” he asked, incredulity written across his face. He was the only one. Rumple looked suspicious, Belle was analyzing the evidence in front of her, Henry looked perturbed, Elsa had a sympathetic, pitying, understanding expression, Snow was just as fearful as the morning at the bed and breakfast, and Hook looked wary, like he was calculating how to respond to a threat.

He was. He was facing a monster.

“Just keep your distance. I don't know if I can control myself. I don't want to hurt anyone,” she ordered, hands spread wide to show them the sparks flying from her fingers.

Her parents and Hook started approaching cautiously, ignoring Rumple’s warning to listen to the other magic-user. “We should heed her words.”

Elsa spread her own hands out, approaching her like a skittish horse. “Emma, we can help,” she said in a slow, calm tone.

“Just stay away!” she shouted.

Hook used that moment of distraction to grab her hand.

Several things happened all at once. Somehow, her magic reacted to counter what her mind saw as a threat. Emma shouted at him to let her go while a surge of energy through her still-tingling hands sparked to the nearest object. In this case, it was a light pole. The metal pole snapped at its base in exactly the right place and angle, and fell like a tree cut by a lumberjack straight at Hook. At the last moment, David pushed him out of the way, absorbing a glancing blow from the falling metal.

Snow rushed to her husband, groaning and holding his shoulder on the ground. “David!”

As he attempted to stand, she gave Emma a glare of pure outrage. “Emma!”

In that moment, Emma knew she was no longer her mother’s daughter. Not only had the woman shielded a baby from her while she accidentally boiled breastmilk was one thing, but to turn on the same daughter and blame her for something that had been an instinctual response to a perceived threat combined with David’s bravery…was just too much.

Emma was an orphan again.

Dimly aware of Snow calling after her to turn around and come back, she turned to flee the scene, protecting everyone she still cared about from herself. Hook, Henry, and David joined in the guilty chorus, but her ears were deaf to their cries. Her only conscious thought was to take herself far away, where she could do no more damage for them to fear.

_No more monster. No more threat. You’re supposedly the Savior, the hero, right? So save them from YOU. Run. Do what you do best._

Her Bug left them in a cloud of gravel and smoke as she did as much of a burnout as the decades-old car was capable of doing.

It was surprisingly easy to drive through clouds of tears.

_Monster._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and constructive criticism are much appreciated!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All credit to my beta for editing this chapter into readability. I claim no ownership of the show or lyrics quoted. Any resemblance to any real people, places, or events is entirely coincidental.

Chapter 9

* * *

_And every time I've held a rose  
It seems I only felt the thorns_

* * *

3 November 2014

* * *

As it turned out, driving through the tears led to less-than-desirable outcomes. Emma blinked her way back to consciousness before shaking her head to clear the fuzziness. The jackhammer that started blasting away at the base of her skull immediately informed her that she’d made a mistake. She groaned, feebly massaging the spot where her neck and skull met in a futile attempt to get the pounding to stop.

Smacking her lips, she realized how dry her mouth was. When she finally opened her eyes, the amount of daylight and position of the sun – based on which point of her vision caused the most pain behind her eyeballs when she turned her head – told her that she’d been unconscious for the better part of an entire day. When her vision allowed for her to look around, a wave of pain swept through her system. Her Bug’s front bumper was dented around a tree in the forest surrounding Storybrooke. She must have run into it the previous day when the tears got to be too much for her to see through, driving almost blindly out of town in an attempt to escape. Emma barely held her gorge, drawing on years of experience taking head bumps as she chased down fleeing criminals.

With the pain came clarity. Memories of the previous day flooded back. Mary Margaret’s fear. The Snow Queen’s relentless goading. Her magic causing sheer destruction and panic. The outrage.

The fear.

_Monster._

Her head swam at the thought of her only friends and family in this or any other world thinking of her that way.

She was an outsider, a threat. In her semi-delirious state, every memory of the Snow Queen’s words rang true. Her parents and the townspeople wanted her around, needed her around, not only to deal with any magical threat but also to be the light magical counterpoint to Regina if she should ever slip up and turn back into the Evil Queen. She was useful, but they also feared her.

With a deep breath, Emma evaluated her options. If she went back to Storybrooke, there was a chance someone else could get hurt, and seriously. If she left town, there was a chance she might never come back. Regina, as angry as she’d been lately, might find a way to change the protection spell to keep her out.

“Either way I lose,” she muttered. Looking around for her cell phone, she found it and powered up the device. Almost at once it beeped, indicating receipt of a voice mail message. Her eyes narrowed, but Emma punched the icon and listened. What she heard sent shivers up and down her spine.

_“That was quite an interesting display you put on today. I hope your father makes a speedy recovery from that magical discharge of yours, dearie. You looked fairly distraught as you left, so I thought I’d call and offer you a deal: I have a way of taking your magic away from you. You would be normal, not a danger to anyone you care about. All you have to do is meet me at the Apprentice’s Mansion on the lake shore at sundown tomorrow and all your worries will be gone. Until then, Miss Swan.”_

As Emma thumbed the voice mail app closed, she couldn’t shake the sensation of an icy black claw reaching for her heart. What Gold was offering was a way out of her current predicament, but nothing that came from the man ever benefited anyone more than it did him. Whatever he wanted with her magic boded no good for anyone.

Bringing up her contacts, she started dialing Hook. With the way he’d chased Gold across oceans, worlds, and centuries, he would have to have some insight into the offer.

The phone rang three times, but as she was preparing to leave a message, it cut to a muffled conversation.

_“So, let me get this straight: you have a hat that can take Emma’s magic away?”_

_“Not exactly, pirate. The hat will absorb the Savior’s magic, and the Savior along with it. She’ll get what she wants: a family in no more danger from her; and I will get what I want: an unimaginable amount of magical power drawn into the one device that can cleave me from the dagger.”_

She cut the call off with shaking fingers. It wasn’t exactly shocking that Gold’s plan would end in her demise, but what took her by surprise was Hook’s apparent knowledge. If Hook was involved in helping Gold’s scheme, she didn’t have anyone left to trust.

Stepping out of her car, Emma’s wobbly knees forced her to lean against the machine. She stretched her right leg out behind her, forcing weight on it to make the muscles remember their jobs.

“Mom?” a familiar voice called behind her.

She stiffened, unwilling to turn around and potentially endanger her son. “Henry, what are you doing here?”

“I've been out all night looking for you. Everyone has,” he insisted.

That made her turn around. He walked toward her through the trees, hunched over in his jacket, looking like he’d been to hell and back. The dark circles under his eyes proved he was telling the truth about being out all night. The vehemence in his voice gave her the strangest sensation that her heart was warming at the same time it was breaking. She wanted nothing more than to take him into her arms and believe that everything was going to be all right, but after the destruction from the previous day, she just couldn’t risk it. “I told them all to stay away. I can't control my powers right now. Listen, don't worry about me. I'm gonna find a way to fix this, but until I do... You’ve got to go.”

With a slow, purposeful stride that never wavered, Henry walked through the leaf litter toward her, shaking his head in frustration. “No. You always think that pulling away from people will fix your problems, but it never does. I can help you.”

“Henry, just wait. I…” she tried to explain, but when she looked down at her hands to confirm the magic was still arcing across her fingers like the world’s biggest static electricity shock, she missed him moving toward her. Of course he didn’t listen.

He reached out to take her hands trying to show her he wasn’t afraid of her powers. When their skin made contact, another massive energy pulse, almost identical to the one that blasted a hole through cinder blocks, threw Henry back like a rag doll. He landed awkwardly on a fern, but that was about all that could be said for his landing. With a painful groan, he gave several awkward attempts to roll over, getting to a position where he could stand.

“Henry!” Emma shouted his name as she ran over to him. “Henry, are you okay? You okay?” She reached out to pull him up, only to remember exactly how he got where he was. With a grimace, she pulled her fisted hands back to her chest, unwilling to take any more chances.

“Yeah, I'm... I'm fine,” he stammered.

With a gasp, Emma watched as he reached behind his head and brought his hand back stained with red. “Is that a cut? Henry, what did I do?”

“I-it's fine. I'm okay,” he tried to reassure, getting to his feet and resuming his march to her.

She had to hand it to the kid: he’d truly inherited her stubbornness. Despite the injury that SHE had given him, he was determined to do what he could to save her. “I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.”

“Mom,” he almost pleaded, coming closer.

“Stop! Please, don't come any closer. I love you, kid, but you’ve got to go,” she begged. When he moved toward her once more, she again screamed at him to go as another pulse shot out, this time much weaker. It passed around him without harm.

Between the pulses, the imploring, and the shouting, he finally listened. Henry ran off into the woods. Away from her. Ironic that when she looked at her hands again, the arcing, glowing magical sparks were gone.

She’d hurt her son. Caused him pain and left him bleeding. Her magic. In the span of twenty-four hours, Emma’s mother had blocked her baby brother from her and she’d injured both her father and son with magical accidents.

She really, truly, was a monster.

Then she heard the one voice she most didn’t want to hear in that moment. “I know exactly how you feel... Seeing the fear in his eyes.”

Emma fired a pulse of magic as she turned around, but her aim was so far off and her emotions were so out of whack that it didn’t go anywhere near Ingrid.

She smirked. “You are out of control. But, Emma, you're not going to hurt me. Nor should you. I'm on your side.

“Just leave me the hell alone,” Emma growled back, far too upset to form any other words.

“You can run, but it won't help. The only way this ends is you embracing who you are,” taunted Ingrid.

“If it means hurting people I love, no, thanks,” Emma shot back, storming off into the woods.

With her car broken, Emma did the only thing she could: started walking through the forest. As she trudged, she went over her options. Ingrid wanted her for some ungodly weird family thing. Gold wanted to take her magic and kill her for it. Regina probably wanted to kill her. Her family was terrified of her, and after hurting Henry, might be after her as well.

Leaving Storybrooke was out of the question thanks to both magic and a giant wall of ice. Going back to town was out of the question if she wanted to avoid injuring innocent people.

As she was running through her possible choices, Emma’s feet led her to a clearing in the woods. Looking up, she saw her refuge spread out and wondered why she hadn’t thought of it before.

The discovery of her new home sowed the seeds of a plan in her mind. Dark and quiet, they were there, buried, waiting for the right moment to germinate.

* * *

“You'd think a big yellow driving machine would be easier to find,” Elsa observed, following the search party back into the loft.

“Perhaps she doesn't want to be found, since, you know, that's what she bloody told us,” Hook retorted. His tone belied his blossoming hope. If Emma hid herself well enough, then neither the Crocodile nor the Snow Queen could use her for their plans. Her tendency to run and hide when things got harsh might actually save her.

“Well, the good news is thanks to the ice wall, Emma can't leave town,” David declared, ever the optimist.

“The longer she isolates herself, the worse it'll get. Her magic will just keep spiraling,” Elsa answered, speaking with the knowledge of experience.

“Elsa's right. This was a bad idea coming home. We should still be out there searching,” said Snow, arms folded across her stomach.

Her husband tried to offer what comfort he could in the face of losing their daughter again. “Hey, this isn't your fault.”

When she shook her head, dropping her face downward, he continued. “It isn't. We'll find Emma, but we've been searching all night. Everyone's exhausted, yourself included. So we refuel, we regroup. And we go out, and we find our daughter, okay?”

“Okay,” she answered, fighting back a yawn.

The sound of the door opening drew everyone’s attention. “You don't have to look anymore,” Henry announced as he entered. Coming into the room, he reached behind his right ear to gingerly rub his injury.

“Henry! We thought you were asleep upstairs. We told you to stay here!” Snow’s attention and energy immediately focused at seeing Henry come in when she was under the impression he was asleep.

“What happened?” David asked.

“I snuck out, okay? I'm sorry, but I found her,” the teenager answered with the degree of petulance one would normally expect from someone his age.

“How is she?”

“Is she okay? Is she hurt?” Mary Margaret and David took turns asking.

“She's out in the woods. I thought I could help calm her down, but when I showed up, it just made things worse,” Henry’s reply was agitated, a product of his lack of sleep, injury, and being frantically sent away.

“Come with me. I'll clean you up in the bathroom,” his grandmother instructed, taking care of the most immediate concern first.

“This is bad news. If anyone can calm her down, it's Henry,” said David.

“When your powers are out of control, everything's upside down. You don't want to be anywhere near the people you care about,” Elsa informed, not happy at the news she was bearing, but knowing it was necessary.

“Wonderful. Well, shall we send Sneezy after her, then? Or Happy? Which is the dwarf she despises?” Hook’s anger and frustration at being unable to help his friend boiled over.

“I was so scared that I would hurt Anna until I finally realized that you can’t run away from the people who love you because in the end, they’re the only ones who can help you,” said Elsa.

“So what do we do?” David asked, looking up from the breakfast bar.

Elsa shrugged with a wan smile. “We have to keep looking, but not frantically. You were right in coming home. Once we all get some rest, we can do a calmer search, one that won’t frighten her and spark her powers.”

David nodded, understanding. “We should leave someone here and at the sheriff’s station,” he said, “just in case she comes back on her own.”

* * *

Zelena’s farmhouse was almost perfectly suited to her needs. Expansive beyond its appearance, it featured several bedrooms on the upper floor along with a couple bathrooms. The main floor had two sitting rooms, a library, kitchen, and a half-bath. Surprisingly, there was enough magic leftover from the Wicked Witch’s brief stay that the food she’d left behind was still good, the electricity was still running, and the water flowed fresh and hot from the pipes.

It even had an extremely well-appointed laundry room. She snorted at the thought of Midwife Zelena doing her laundry to look presentable to the people of Storybrooke.

It would do.

Emma’s first step was to revisit her apartment, packing what clothes and toiletries she’d need, along with pictures of her parents and Henry, her laptop and all the chargers for her electronics. As she moved around the small residence, her mind slipped into a funk. Leaving would be easier if she wasn’t fully processing everything that was happening. Her phone, left on the counter as she packed in the bedroom, buzzed with a series of incoming calls. Having turned the ringer and notifications off as she fled the station, Emma remained in blissful ignorance of the people searching all over Storybrooke for her.

On her way out the door, she paused, wondering if there was anything she’d left undone. When her eyes landed on a pen and pad of paper on the counter, she dropped the one bag that held all her critical possessions. Emma quickly scrawled out a note for Henry, apologizing for leaving and instructing him to stay with Regina or Snow. She purposefully left off any promise that they’d fix this crisis. As far as she was concerned, this was a crisis to which there was no solution.

Mission accomplished, she gathered up her bag and made her way back to the farmhouse. Without her Bug it was a long, but less conspicuous trip. Hiding from two incredibly powerful magic users like Gold and Ingrid was going to be supremely challenging.

* * *

When Emma got back to the farmhouse, she set her bag down inside the door and tossed her keys on the kitchen counter as she made her way to get a drink of water. The walk to get back had been brutal with the extra weight of the bag. The toss was just a little too far, and the small bits of metal made a clinking sound as they slid off the counter and hit the floor. Bending over to pick them up, Emma’s gaze lifted from the house key up to a door she hadn’t noticed before. Looking around, almost as if she felt like she was trespassing in the abandoned house, she opened the door and found a staircase leading to a basement.

As soon as she crossed the threshold, it felt like a different house. Dark and dusty, the creak of the stairs seemed to echo around the dingy basement. The only light she could find was connected to a fraying string and cast a feeble glow around the dank room.

Even through the gloom, there was nevertheless one thing that grabbed her attention the first moment she set eyes on it. The seeds of Emma’s plan sprouted in that dark basement, snaking their way through her mind and giving her a solution that would foil Gold, Ingrid, and keep the rest of Storybrooke safe from her.

She would need a few things to make it happen, and some would be harder to come by than others, but none were impossible. Moving back upstairs, she found the pen and paper she’d stuffed into her bag at the apartment and started making a list.

First up were paper, envelopes, and stamps.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huge thanks to my beta for making this chapter what it is. I don't own the show or lyrics I quote. Any resemblance to any real people, places, or events is entirely coincidental. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Chapter 10

* * *

_So I will share this room with you  
And you can have this heart to break_

* * *

17 November 2014

* * *

The jingle of his entry bell echoed around the empty shop as Gold moved into the main room. Centuries of practice concealing his thoughts from even the most skilled magic-users enabled him to easily wear a mask of vaguely irritated indifference. Inside was an entirely different matter.

So much was riding on the successful completion of his quest. If he could trap the Savior inside the Sorcerer’s hat, her raw magical power would give him the magic boost he needed to finally cleave himself from the dagger. It should have worked. It would have worked, but something happened. When her magic went haywire and she accidentally injured her father and son, it should have sent her tumbling into his arms, the one person in Storybrooke with the magical power to withstand an out of control Savior.

Instead she’d vanished.

Preposterous, as he wasn’t aware that Regina had gotten so far as a cloaking spell in her training sessions with Emma. The Savior shouldn’t have been able to hide from him.

So where the hell had she vanished to?

He hadn’t sensed her magic in several days. He hadn’t seen her in longer than that. The townspeople were beginning to talk. His voice mail message to her had gone unanswered. Attempting to use the pirate against her had failed miserably, now that they were no longer together.

His only consolation was that Ingrid had similarly failed to find her third magical sister. Whatever she was planning for the town once herself, Elsa and Emma were united in their magical sisterhood was also for naught. Apparently no one knew where the hell Emma Swan had hidden herself.

Gold paused in the middle of his store, noting something…off…about the place. He’d been running it for so long, the clichéd phrase that he knew the store like the back of his hand was actually true. He closed his eyes and sniffed the air. Something fresh wafted in the usually dusty, dry air. Following the scent, he made his way through the front cases to the desk in the back.

There were fingerprints on a particular wooden box he usually kept locked up, and the air tingled with residual magic. “Oh, Miss Swan. What have you done now?” He opened the box and took a quick stock, coming up one item short. Smirk turning into a frown, Gold pulled a piece of paper from the empty slot.

_28 years on my own. 16 years growing up physically, emotionally, and in any other way the twisted mind of the Dark One can conceive, abused in the foster system. 4 years of risking my life in multiple worlds. 1 year breaking the curse YOU created to find your son, who just so happens to be the father of MY son, the same guy who left me pregnant and alone in prison for his crimes._

_No deals this time, dearie. We’re even, Gold._

“Indeed we are, Miss Swan. Indeed we are,” he acknowledged with a respectful tip of his head, even as his anger built at being denied the one key element he needed to execute his plan.

* * *

The bell above the door to Granny’s Diner tinkled as Belle walked in, looking for the person who called her. Seeing Ruby behind the counter, the librarian gave a quick wave and made her way to the empty stool in front of her friend. “Okay, I’m here. What was it you wanted to discuss so badly that it couldn’t happen over the phone?”

Ruby slid Belle’s usual lunch order across the counter to her friend and leaned over on her elbows, looking around the diner to see if anyone was paying attention to them. Fortunately, the hour between one and two in the afternoon was more than usually devoid of customers. “Have you talked to Emma lately?”

Furrowing her brows as she thought over the question, Belle shook her head. “It’s been days, maybe weeks now that you mention it. Why?”

Ruby gave a conspiratorial nod. “Because the only time I’ve seen her in the last two weeks was about ten days ago when she was out jogging,” she finished by putting a heavy emphasis on the last word.

“Doesn’t Emma go for a run almost every day?” Belle asked before taking a bite of her grilled chicken salad, confusion written across her face.

The waitress shrugged, admitting the truth of the statement. “Sure she does, but this time she was running hard, not jogging, on Main Street going out of town and away from the post office, and something looked very wrong.”

“Away from the post office out of town? I don’t know, that could just be a longer run. Or she could have been mailing a letter as part of her route,” observed Belle.

“You’re absolutely right, that could have been just what it was. But I haven’t seen her since. No one has. I’ve been listening to the people in this diner. No one has said anything about seeing her, even her parents. All they’re concerned about is what the Snow Queen is doing, but even she’s laid low since Emma’s disappeared.”

“Now that you mention it, I did see someone who looked like her skulking down an alley one evening last week, but I wasn’t sure in the darkness. She looked like she’d seen a ghost. Did you notice anything else about her?” Belle asked.

“That’s what got me worried in the first place. I could smell tears through her sweat and there were tracks down her face,” Ruby admitted.

Just then Snow and Charming walked into the diner, pushing Neal in his stroller as Elsa trailed behind them. “No, David, I’m sure I remembered to pack extra diapers,” the former Queen said.

“Okay, okay, I just wanted to be sure. No one wants a repeat of the infamous Cheese Fries Incident,” Charming grinned as he held the door for his wife and son.

Ruby looked at the new arrivals before glancing back at Belle. “I’m going to ask them if they’ve heard from Emma,” she said, moving around the bar.

She watched the smile on Snow’s face as she approached their table. “Hey guys! Can I get you your usual today?”

They looked up at her with matching grins. “Yeah, that sounds great Ruby,” Snow answered her longtime friend.

“And I would like a grilled chicken sandwich with fries,” Elsa requested, sitting down at the table.

“Hey, have you guys heard from Emma lately? It’s been a while since I’ve seen her around,” Ruby affected a casual tone as she threw out the question.

David furrowed his brow. “Yeah, we have. Why?”

Ruby shrugged. “Oh, it’s just that I haven’t seen or heard anything from her in a few days, and I wanted to make sure she was okay.”

“We had a text message from her just this morning,” Snow answered, “She’s fine, settling into her new apartment.”

“What about the whole thing with the Snow Queen? Aren’t you working on finding her, like, every day?”

“We are,” David answered, “but the trail has gone cold, so to speak. We’re still looking, but without any activity from her recently, it’s not an everyday thing. We have to keep living our lives.”

“Emma’s been following some leads on her own,” explained Elsa as Snow prepared some food for Neal, “and we’re allowing her to run the chase on her own. She’s been keeping in touch with David about the search, but the trail seems to have gone cold…so to speak.”

“Gotcha. Okay, I just wanted to check. I’ll be back with your drinks,” Ruby said.

Moving back to the counter, Ruby slipped the Charmings’ order ticket onto the rotating clip for the cook. She approached Belle. “They said she’s just settling into her new apartment, keeping up the search for the Snow Queen.”

Bell frowned, but nodded, accepting the answer. “Right. That makes sense. I guess we just keep our eyes open for Emma around town.”

“Looks like that’s all we can do,” Ruby agreed, “I’ll start making some wider runs, maybe through the woods, see if I can pick up her trail.”

As Ruby moved off to take care of other customers, she and Belle were left with their own thoughts.

* * *

“Henry! I’m so glad I ran into you,” Regina greeted him with a hug and a smile, “You got some mail today.”

Her son took the padded envelope with glee as she regarded the man with whom Henry had been speaking. Archie was one of the few Storybrooke residents she genuinely liked; Regina had not forgotten how he’d spoken up against the crowd after her blood when the Curse broke.

“Good morning, Madam Mayor,” he smiled, “How are you this fine day?”

“I’m well, thank you Archie. I was hoping to run into Henry on my way back to the office, so I’m glad I found you here,” answered Regina.

His brow furrowed as Archie took a breath. “I’m glad to run into you, actually. I know Henry’s been living with you at the mayor’s residence again. I mean no offense,” he hurried to interject when he saw her start to bristle “but why did he move back? Why isn’t he living with Emma still?”

Swallowing her irritation, Regina nodded. “It was his decision. After Robin left with Marian, Henry wanted to come back home to be the man in my life again,” she said, ruffling her son’s hair. “Ever since then, he’s been living with me.”

“So Emma’s all alone in her new apartment?” Archie asked, face a mask of innocence.

Regina’s irritation boiled over at the reminder that her own joy came at the expense of someone else’s. “I don’t concern myself with what Sheriff Swan is or isn’t doing these days, Doctor Hopper. The last thing I want to spend my time on is tracking the Savior’s movements,” she took a calming breath of her own, “I apologize for the outburst. Miss Swan is still something of a sore spot for me, and I’ve been strangely unsettled over the last few days as it is.”

Archie opened his mouth to ask another question, but was drowned out by Henry’s gasp. As they both turned to look at him, he held up a keychain with a single key. “It’s from Ma,” he breathed, “She’s giving me her car.”

“What?!” Regina shouted, reaching for the envelope. Shaking it, she grabbed at a folded piece of paper. Opening it, she saw that the document was indeed a deed – the title of ownership to Emma’s car.

When she snapped out of the haze of outrage that Emma would give their son something as extravagant as a car without consulting her first, she heard Henry’s voice reading a note that had accompanied the key and title.

“…with everything going on with the Snow Queen, I won’t be needing this for a while, Kid. I wanted you to have the Bug. I had Michael fix it after my little accident in the forest. I know it’s a few years before you’ll be able to drive, but I figured you’d be the one to take care of it. Plus it might really honk your mother off. Ha ha. Anyway, hang onto the car and use it when you learn to drive. Don’t worry about me. I have a plan that will thwart both the Snow Queen and Gold. Take care of yourself, Kid. Your mom, too. Emma.”

“She gave you her _car?!_ ” Regina shouted, looking at the confused mix of emotions across Henry’s face.

Archie stammered, trying to get her attention. “I – I ah, I don’t think that’s the most important thing to focus on here, Regina.”

“What could be more important than the fact that Sheriff Swan gave my son a deathtrap of a car?” she shot back, whirling around on him.

Instead of answering her directly, he looked down at Henry. “Do you think you could go into Granny’s and get a soda, Henry? There’s something I wanted to talk to your mother about.”

The boy looked suspicious, but nodded and walked down the street. When Archie met her gaze, Regina saw how pale the psychologist was. “What is it? What’s got you so concerned out about in that letter?”

Archie wiped his glasses before answering her. “Talk to me about the last time you physically saw and spoke to Emma. What happened?”

Regina gazed down at her feet. “It…it wasn’t my best moment. She was drunk, we started arguing, and I let some things she said affect me more than they should have. I retorted in kind. I even raised my hand to slap her when she said something particularly offensive, but I didn’t go through with it. I ended by saying her attitude would ensure she stayed alone for a very long time.”

Archie’s fingers trembled as they held his umbrella. “I’ve heard others mention that Emma was under stress lately, that she had episodes where her magic was out of her control and that she accidentally injured her father and Henry, correct?”

Regina nodded, frowning around a small, but growing ball of dread that settled in her stomach. “That’s what happened, yes. Why?”

“Well, if you combine that emotional stress with distancing herself from her friends and family, which she said she was doing in her letter to Henry, along with giving away her worldly possessions like the car and…” he trailed off, taking a deep breath.

“And what?” Regina prodded, uncomfortable with the growing unease she was feeling.

The psychiatrist took another deep breath, visibly summoning his courage before meeting her gaze with watery eyes. “Those are all classic hallmarks of someone who’s come to a…well, a decision about his or her life.”

Regina’s mouth fell open. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

He nodded. “I’m very much afraid Emma might be considering causing herself serious harm, possibly even suicide.”

Henry’s shout from the corner, where he had been eavesdropping, drowned out Regina’s shocked gasp. “Suicide?!”

“Henry! I thought you were going for a soda!” Archie exclaimed when Regina’s surprise rendered her mute.

He rolled his eyes. “Like I was going to miss what you were talking about. You really think Emma would do that?”

With a frown, Archie looked at Henry. “I don’t know for sure, Henry. I wasn’t seeing her at all. I just know what I’ve read from reading the journals. None of these are good signs. If you know where Emma is, we need to find her as soon as possible.”

“Isn’t she at the apartment she moved to with you, Henry?” Regina asked her son.

He shrugged. “I don’t know. I haven’t heard from her either. And how could you remind her she was never anyone’s first choice? You know how she grew up, what she went through even before I was born! You might as well have told her she was worthless,” Henry’s eyes grew as wide as dinner plates as his mind kept working, “And I helped you! I left her all alone, too! I told her I wanted to live with you instead of her because I thought you needed me around more than she did!”

“If she’s really considering something of this magnitude, that might explain why you’ve been feeling unsettled recently, Regina. You might be feeling the ripples in her own unstable magic. The Savior has incredibly powerful light magic that has been connected to your own in the past, so any disturbance in her emotions could easily be affecting you.”

“In your honest opinion as Archie, not as Doctor Hopper,” Regina began, trying to get a handle on her lurching stomach, “What do you think all this means?”

“No one has seen her for quite some time, and she’s giving her most prized possession to her biological heir?” Archie asked rhetorically, “We might be running out of time as we speak.”

“We need to find Emma,” Regina agreed somberly.

* * *

The violent opening of the door to Granny’s Diner slamming against its frame quashed the usual background chatter. Henry burst in with Regina close on his heels, for once not chastising him for running inside. The boy scanned around the dining area, lunging forward when he saw his grandparents seated at a table with their stroller. Charming was just pulling Neal out of a high chair when he approached. “Grandma! Grandpa! We’ve got an emergency!”

Snow and Charming looked up at him. “What’s wrong, Henry?” Snow’s eyes were wide, moving side to side as she scanned for threats. Emergencies in Storybrooke tended to the catastrophic.

“It’s Emma!” he shouted, running to their table and skidding to a stop around the stroller.

Charming looked confused as he handed Neal back to his wife. “What about Emma?”

Regina approached their table behind Henry, laying her hand on the boy’s shoulder. “Why don’t you sit down, Henry? I’m sure this is something none of us prefer shouted for the whole restaurant to hear.”

The pair joined Snow and Charming around the table, lowering their voices until they heard the rest of Granny’s patrons go back to their meal.

“What’s this about Emma?” Snow asked.

Henry’s excitement got the better of him. “She gave me her car!”

Confusion colored his grandparents’ faces in an identical way that had Regina forcing her eyes not to roll. “Between the magic flare-up at the station a couple weeks ago and then Emma basically going into hiding, Doctor Hopper thinks she might be in some danger.”

“I’m still not sure what you’re talking about. Danger from the Snow Queen? Aren’t we all?” Charming wondered.

“Not that kind of danger,” dismissed Regina, “He thinks that by giving Henry the title and keys to her Bug – which she did, we just got the envelope today – and by moving first from your loft and then her new apartment when Henry came to live with me again, Emma’s essentially divesting herself of her worldly possessions. That she’s made a decision about something major.”

Snow put the pieces together before her husband did, having had the memory of taking some basic psychology courses implanted as part of her Mary Margaret personality. “You don’t mean…,” she trailed off, hand covering her mouth in shock as her eyes grew huge.

“What? What’s going on?” Charming interjected.

Tired of waiting for the adults to finally say it, Henry blurted everything out. “Archie thinks Emma might be going to kill herself!”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, I don't own the show or the lyrics. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Chapter 11

* * *

 _So I would choose to be with you_  
That's if the choice were mine to make  
But you can make decisions too  
And you can have this heart to break

* * *

20 November 2014

“Kill herself?! What are you talking about? Where did this come from?” Snow exclaimed, rising to her feet and cradling Neal in her arms.

Regina waved her down, quieting her outburst. “We don’t know for sure. Archie just put some things together and said that he thought it was a possibility.”

Charming leaned over the table, unwilling to have the entire diner hear what the therapist thought about his daughter’s actions. “What did Archie mention?”

“She gave me her car!” Henry repeated, fishing out the keys from his pocket.

Elsa blinked in pure surprise. “Her driving machine?”

Pulling Emma’s note out of her pocket, Regina handed it over. “Doctor Hopper said that by isolating herself the way she has and then giving away her most prized worldly possession, it could be signs of someone who has come to a decision about their life.”

The couple scanned the note together and came to the same conclusion as Archie, if their matching expressions of horror were any indication. “Oh my God. It’s right there. ‘A plan that would thwart both the Snow Queen and Gold’,” the Prince breathed.

Snow was too much in shock for any words. Her eyes were huge and round with tears threating an overflow of water at any moment. When her entire body went rigid, Regina reached for Neal before her former stepdaughter could drop him. Elsa pushed the stroller over and helped her fasten the buckles so he would be safe. A loud exclamation from the other side of the table made her wince, but drew her focus, along with that of everyone else in the diner.

“Excuse me, everyone! Could I please have your attention for a moment?” Charming called out, raising his hand for further emphasis. “We have something of an emergency right now. We need to find Emma as soon as possible. Has anyone seen her recently?”

Looking over from the bar to the side, Belle and Ruby spoke up first. “I saw her about a week ago, walking down the alley behind the Pawn Shop, but it didn’t look like she was aware of anyone or anything. Just had her head down and walking. When she looked up, there were dark circles under her eyes.”

Both former queens had their eyes closed against the statement, but Charming, dedicated as ever, pressed on. “Did you notice anything else about her?”

Belle frowned as she thought back. Hesitating, she took a breath before looking at the family and continuing. “She’d lost weight. Her cheekbones were more prominent and her clothes were looser around her than usual. She looked…haunted.”

From his usual spot at the corner of the bar, Leroy spoke up. “I saw her once, about six days ago. She was standing on the beach looking out at the water. Didn’t look around. Didn’t move. Didn’t say anything. She was like a statue, your Highness.”

“Like the librarian said, I saw her walking through town just a few days ago. Hands in her pockets, looking down. No clue she was aware of anyone or anything,” Granny chimed in from behind the kitchen.

Elsa’s quiet voice sounded when everyone else was done talking. “I haven’t really seen her other than when she helped rescue me from Ingrid, when you defeated the snow warrior that night,” she said, “I’ve been too busy looking for my sister to seek her out.”

“So the one thing you all noticed in every instance was that she hasn’t said a word to anyone, hasn’t looked at anyone, and might as well have been on a different planet?” Regina clarified, dread flooding her system.

Nods all around the room signified general agreement.

“Does anyone even know where she’s living?” Regina asked next.

A negative murmur swept the crowd. Elsa, Snow, Charming, and Henry all exchanged looks, but none of them had any solid information.

“All she told us was a text message from shortly after Henry moved back to your house,” Snow said after the room quieted again, “that she’d found a new place to live. Something about not wanting a housewarming party and that she could handle the move on her own.”

Just then the door swung open again, as a breathless Archie almost fell into the diner. “Got…’nother…letter,” he gasped between breaths.

“Henry,” Regina began to instruct, but either her son’s innate kindness or her years of inculcating proper manners – hopefully it was a little of both – kicked in, and he interrupted her before she could finish.

“On it, Mom,” he responded. The boy darted around the bar, grabbed a glass, and filled it with ice and water. Moving more carefully so as to not spill his load, he walked back to the front and handed the refreshment to the psychologist. “Here you go, Archie.”

With a grin, the older man took a long drink of the water. “Thanks, Henry. That was very kind of you.”

No one else in the diner had even moved yet, reminding Regina that as little time as she’d had to digest this new information, everyone else had had less. She shook her head; there might not be much time left, so she had to keep things moving. “You said something about another letter, Doctor Hopper?”

Regaining his composure, Archie looked around and found Snow and Charming watching him as intently as everyone else. “I wasn’t formally treating Emma, but with the way she’s written to me, I don’t feel that I can’t show this letter from Emma to anyone without violating her privacy, although the concern it gives me regarding her safety might make that a moot point. As her parents you are her next of…her closest relations. If you give me the approval, I will show you the letter with a clear conscience.”

Regina’s heart sank at the unfinished phrase ‘next of kin’. Nothing good ever came along with those words. She had to know what was in the letter. As Henry’s other mother and one of the most powerful magic users in Storybrooke, not to mention being Emma’s onetime magic tutor, she was uniquely suited to help. More than that, she wanted to help. One of the secrets she had never told anyone, not even Henry or Doctor Hopper during their abbreviated sessions, was that she felt responsible for the way Emma had grown up. Sure, the Charmings put her through a tree, but it was her curse that spurred them on. Maybe by helping save Emma, she could start atoning for that particular sin.

The two royals met each other’s gaze, communicating without words. After taking a deep breath, Snow stood in front of Archie. “I’ll take the letter. We’ll read it and decide what needs to be done.”

He nodded, handing the document over. When Snow took it, he refused to let it go for a moment. Meeting her gaze, he stood straight and tall and looked her in the eye. “Emma broke the curse, giving us all back our memories. She helped save Henry in Neverland, from what I’m told, and helped defeat Zelena, not to mention the other threats we’ve come under. I feel I owe her a personal debt for that. Believe me when I say this: I think she’s on the edge, and she could be in danger at this very moment. We need to find her as soon as possible. Whatever you need me to do, it would be my honor to help.”

The rest of the town’s residents clustered in the diner voiced their agreement, all promising to do whatever they could to help save their Savior. Visibly moved, Snow swallowed the lump in her throat and looked around. “Thank you all. We’ll read this and make a plan. Once we know what we’re doing, we’ll round up everyone we can for help. Until then, can we borrow that booth in the corner to look this over in private?”

Clearing the area, the crowd gave them their space. Charming left Neal’s stroller with Elsa before he and Snow moved to the booth, followed closely by Henry. Regina herself remained, stock-still. It was a family moment, one of the type they’d excluded her from ever since the curse broke. Her memory of the group going out for dinner after she’d absorbed a death curse, saving Snow and Emma on their way back from the Enchanted Forest, was still fresh.

Snow’s voice shook her out of her thoughts. “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

Her former stepdaughter actually rolled her eyes. “I said, ‘come on, Regina, and pull up a chair. We’re going to need your help most of all.’”

She blinked in surprise. Not wanting to look a gift horse in the mouth, she slid into a chair bracketing Snow between herself and Charming as Snow spread the single sheet of paper out on the table. Henry tried to read upside down, but his grandfather stepped in. “Henry, why don’t you take Neal over and ask Ruby to get you a milkshake and some toast for him to nibble on?”

“But I wanted to read the letter, too!” Henry complained.

“There might be some stuff in here that your mom wouldn’t want you to know about her. Personal, private stuff. Trust me, we’ll tell you the most critical parts,” Snow offered as a compromise along with a ten-dollar bill.

Sensing he was being put off, but unable to argue with either the logic or the milkshake, he shrugged, accepted the money, and pushed the now-occupied stroller back to his previous table where Ruby was quick to hop over.

“Really? You’re bribing my son with processed sugar that will rot his teeth?” complained Regina when he was gone.

Charming looked over and gave her a smile that she would never admit under any duress told her where Snow got her nickname for the man. “It’s what grandparents get to do, I’m told.”

“Will the two of you just stop bickering over trivialities so we can figure out how to save my daughter’s life?” interjected Snow, waving her arms.

Regina and Charming immediately quieted as the three people at the table turned their attention to Emma’s letter.

_Archie,_

_I’m sending this to you because I know you’re one of the people who would have a chance at understanding what I’m feeling right now. It’s just easier to write it out than say it out loud for me. I’ve always thought that writing things down was easier than speaking them, which used to drive the counselors in school nuts. Anyway, you’d be able to comfort Henry if he needed it._

_Phew, here goes: I know I’m the Savior. I broke the Curse, helped get rid of the wraith, helped defeat Cora, Pan, and rescued Henry from Neverland. I helped Regina defeat her crazy-ass sister, too. Now there’s Ingrid – the Snow Queen – but it’s me and Elsa she wants, not anyone else. Gold has a plan for me, too, but again it’s just me he needs. I can save everyone in town one more time by taking myself out of both of those equations._

_I’m taking the hero’s way out._

_Without me, neither Ingrid nor Gold will be able to do what they’re intending, and the town should be safe. My baby brother, parents, and son should be safe._

_Henry will probably be the most upset after all this is over. The kid’s always had his heart on his sleeve, but I hurt him. I hurt him, Archie, when I lost control of my magic. I’m not safe to be around him anymore, so I need to remove myself. He deserves to live a life not in fear from his own mother. Trust me, I spent most of my life afraid of what drunk or high foster parents would do to me next. When my emotions and my magic went crazy, I became those monsters that used to haunt my dreams, and I can’t live with that anymore. Henry deserves his best chance at a fulfilled life and his own happy ending. That’s why I gave him up for adoption in the first place. I knew he was better off without me. Everyone always is._

_My parents – damn that still feels weird to say – will be upset, but they have Neal now, and they don’t have to worry about him losing control of his magic and hurting anyone he loves because he’s not broken like me. He’s normal. They’ll finally have their own happy ending, too._

_Everyone got their happy endings back. Well, not really everyone. The Savior failed when it came to Regina. I know I was responsible for taking away her happiness when I brought back the one woman who could possibly ruin it, and it’s killing me. I was starting to think of her as a friend, too, before all the shit went down. I messed that up, just like I’ve messed up every other friendship I’ve ever had._

_Regina deserves her happy ending, too, and I took that away from her. The only way I can even begin to make it up is to let her have full custody of Henry. Not that she didn’t have that anyway; the adoption was formal and it was closed. It just goes to show the depth of her compassion and inherent decency that she never got the courts involved, even before the curse broke. She could have taken me and Henry to a court in Massachusetts and had me thrown in jail just for talking to them, and she never did. But anyway, stepping aside and letting her have her son back full-time will give her at least part of her happy ending, her true love for her son. It’s the very least I can to do make up for all the pain I’ve caused her._

_By the time you get this, I’ll have dealt with all three of those issues at once. Don’t worry, though. I’m not leaving Storybrooke. I can’t run away anymore. I have to face my problems head-on. With Gold and Ingrid’s plans for me foiled, they won’t have any reason to do anything to the town or the people. David’s a great sheriff, Ruby’s a great deputy, and Regina genuinely cares for Storybrooke. The town will be in better hands than ever._

_Tell Regina I’m sorry, that I wish there was something more I could do to make it up to her. Nothing comes close to the hurt I’ve caused by threatening to take Henry away just before the curse broke, and then actually taking him away. Then that whole Marian mess…yikes. I’ve never felt this guilty before over anything in my life. Not even Lily. I know it would have been better for Regina if she’d never met me, so maybe someday the best that can be hoped for is that she forgets I ever existed._

_I guess those other kids in the foster homes growing up were all right: there’s just no place for me here. I don’t fit in and I never have. This really is for the best._

_My job is done. The town is saved once and for all. All that I wanted, that I thought I could have, was not in the cards for the Savior._

_Thanks, Archie. You’ve been a great person to get to know._

_Emma_

When Regina came to the end of the letter, she was conscious of two things: the roaring of blood in her ears at the depth of pain Emma was suffering was eclipsed only by the sound of Snow’s sobbing next to her. Looking over, she saw that Charming had an awkward arm around her shoulders, but he was so rigidly tense it looked like he was going to snap a rib just sitting there. His eyes were watery, but he was doing wonders to hold the tears at bay.

She had been furious at Emma, it was true. Bringing Marian back, even accidentally, ended in her fairy-dust foretold True Love leaving her for his wife. As the weeks went by, however, her anger had faded, until it felt more like an obligation to despise her for that and just being the daughter of her nemesis than anything more concrete.

What she never expected was that she would miss the annoying sheriff. She missed the sass, the challenge, the way Emma never failed to make her day more interesting. She missed the companionship from Neverland, not to mention the way their magic mixed almost seamlessly. The blonde was becoming an adequate parent to Henry, instead of just being his older sister. The idea that she would kill herself to save the rest of the town was sickening

They had to find her.

Getting to her feet, she took stock of the Charmings. They didn’t look to be in any shape to even organize the town’s annual bake-off, much less an exhaustive search of the whole area. Swallowing down her own tears, she looked around the diner before raising her hands. “Could I have your attention, everyone?” She called at the top of her voice.

The diner instantly stilled, all eyes on her as they waited for some news. “The Savior is indeed in grave danger. She has saved each and every one of you, more than once I might add. We have all let her down. Therefore, we will all work to find her. I have some things I need to get to start the search, so go home, make what preparations you need to be able to search the town, and we will meet back here in one hour!”

When Regina wanted to, she had a presence that could command the trees themselves to bow down, even without magic. In this instance, she indeed wanted to command. As one, the townspeople agreed and moved for the doors. Looking down at her son, she smiled to comfort him. “Don’t worry, Henry. We’ll find her. Isn’t that what your family does for a living?”

The boy gave her a weak smile, understanding immediately. “Something like that.”

“Go to the loft. See if there’s anything Emma left behind that we might be able to use with a locator spell. Preferably cloth, nothing breakable, but if you can’t find anything else, we’ll take what we can get. I’ll get my potion from home and meet you there,” she instructed.

As he ran off, she turned back to Snow and Charming, still wrapped in each other, and Elsa sitting quietly, trying to make herself as small as possible so as to not intrude on the moment. She cleared her throat, the loud noise echoing around the now-empty room. When three pairs of shocked eyes turned to her, she tried to give them as warm of a smile as she could muster. “There’s no time to lose. I’ll leave Neal here with Elsa, but I need to go back to the mansion for a locator potion. Meet me at your loft. Henry’s already on his way there to find something of Emma’s. Once we try the potion, it should help us find Emma.”

The trio nodded, and as Elsa stood to take Neal, Regina concentrated her magic and teleported herself back to her study.

* * *

Gathered around the table in Snow and Charming’s apartment, Regina took the item Henry had found – Emma’s red scarf – and laid it out flat. “This should do just fine. Good work, Henry,” she smiled.

He gave a small nod at her praise, but turned serious almost instantly. Snow, Charming, and Elsa watched in silence as she took the bottle of light blue liquid out of her purse. With a deep breath, Regina sprinkled the potion over the entirety of the scarf. After a beat, the scar rose up and started wriggling toward the door. Before it had gotten even ten feet, however, the scarf went limp and crashed to the floor.

Stunned silence echoed around the apartment. The group stared at the red scarf, spilled over the floor looking almost like blood. Snow broke the moment by turning to her. “Has – has that ever happened before?”

Regina blinked her eyes a few times, making sure she saw what it was she saw. “No, I can’t say I’ve ever seen a locator spell fail that badly in my life.”

The failure seemed to galvanize something in her. Instead of depending on her magic to do the job, she would have to put in some hard work. So much the better. “Okay, it looks like we’re searching the old-fashioned way. Charming: you take Emma and Henry’s old apartment. Turn it upside down and inside out. She was right in her letter, David. You’re an excellent Sheriff. If anyone can look for the details it’s you. After there, go to the station, see if any of her papers there give you any ideas. Snow: you and Elsa stay here with Neal. Look here to see if there are any indicators or other belongings she may have left behind. Henry and I will marshal the town.”

Taken aback by her no-nonsense manner and commanding tone, the royals nodded their heads and split up, David leaving after giving Snow a kiss. “We’ll find her,” he promised.

“It’s what we do,” answered Snow with a wan smile.

Try as she might, Regina couldn’t bring herself to be as disgusted as she usually felt by the display. That annoying tendency of the Charmings to find each other might just be what helped save Emma’s life.

“Okay, Henry. Let’s get going.”

* * *

They walked back into the diner and immediately noticed the crowd. It seemed like half of Storybrooke had turned out to help the Savior. Help Emma. If she could see how many people’s lives she’d touched that were willing to put their own problems aside to help her, she would never, ever doubt that she was loved again. Regina consciously forced the dread balling in her stomach into a grim determination. Closing the door with more force than was necessary, she garnered the attention of everyone in the diner.

“Alright everyone. We’ve run into a snag. I used a locator spell on an item belonging to Emma. It failed. I’ve never seen a locator spell fail before, but since we have reason to believe she’s still in this area, that means time is of the essence. I don’t have to tell you what’s at stake here,” Regina paused, sweeping the crowd and taking in the seriousness on every face. Ruby looked to be on the verge of losing her composure, as she was probably Emma’s best friend in Storybrooke. It hurt to think in those terms, but she knew she’d given up that place when she’d berated a drunken Emma in the Rabbit Hole and almost struck her. Another thing she had to make right.

“Emma Swan has saved us all. Most of us more than once. She gave up her old life and stayed here, among us all. She got to know us and care about us over the last two years, risking her own life multiple times for us. We have a very clear reason to believe that she is on the verge of causing herself serious harm because of both events that have happened recently as well as the Snow Queen and Rumpelstiltskin trying to gain power over her for their own ends. We have to find her. We have to stop whatever she might be trying to do to herself. Each and every single one of us owes her our maximum effort.”

A ripple of acknowledgement swept the crowd, with murmurs of assent and promises reaching her ears. “Good. Belle, I want you to stake out Gold’s shop. She might try to go there for something magical to use.”

Before she could continue, the librarian raised her hand. “Um, Regina? She already has. Rumple said a few days ago he detected the presence of her magic and found a box that she’d gone through. She took a potion and left this note,” she explained, getting up and handing Regina the piece of paper.

Reading over Emma’s litany of reasons for taking whatever potion had been in the bottle’s place, Regina allowed a proud smile to cross her face. _Well done, Emma._ “Did he say what the potion was?”

Belle’s face grew concerned as she twisted her fingers together. “I didn’t understand all of it, but apparently it’s a very old, powerful potion that, when drunk, creates a cloak over the user that blocks any traces of their magic from escaping. He thinks she took it so that neither he nor you would be able to find her through her magic.”

Not for the first time in her life did Regina rue Emma’s cleverness. By taking that potion the blonde was taking one of her best tools out of her toolbox. “Okay, well. That tells us something. How about instead of the shop you go to the top of the clock tower? That way you could keep an eye on a large part of town with a pair of binoculars as well as making sure she can’t get to the top to…jump,” she finished, instantly regretting the choice of words in front of Henry.

With Belle’s nod, Regina turned to the dwarves. “Grumpy, can you take the rest of the dwarves to the mines? There’s a chance she might decide to hide down there, or even jump down the shaft where she rescued Archie and Henry. Sorry, Henry,” she finished with an apology to her son, who looked more distressed as she went on.

He set his jaw, focus taking the place of worry on his young face. “No worries, mom. You’re right. We have to cover all our bases.”

Giving him a tight, proud smile, Regina turned to the last person she wanted to address personally. “Ruby, I’m sorry I have to ask you this question in this way, but since you have the best physical senses of anyone here, I need you to try. Can you take the letter and try to either see or smell anything we missed that could give us clues to Emma’s whereabouts?”

Ruby looked taken aback, but nodded, understanding. She accepted the paper, tilting it this way and that to see if she could detect traces of any foreign substances. “Nothing to see, just paper and ink,” she declared. Closing her eyes, she leaned in and inhaled. “Dirt. I smell earth, and grass. There’s traces of hay and a lot of dust, too, but earth and grass are the primary scents here.”

“The farm!” Henry exclaimed. “She’s at Zelena’s farmhouse! Or at least she was when she wrote that letter.”

This time Regina’s proud smile took over her whole face. “Very well done, Henry! You’re exactly right, and it’s a perfect hiding place for her. None of us would go there after Zelena. It’s in the open, so she could see anyone coming, and it’s close to the woods, so she could make an escape. Ruby,” she said, turning back to the werewolf, “I need you to patrol those woods. Don’t let her see you, but make sure she can’t run anywhere.”

“Done, Regina,” Ruby promised.

Granny cackled from behind the bar. “I’ll set up in an old deer blind I know around that area, too!”

Chuckling along with everyone else, Regina looked around, finding two of her least favorite people in Storybrooke. “Hook and Tink, I need you to take the Jolly Roger and keep watch on the docks and the beach. Make sure she doesn’t try to take a boat anywhere.”

“Aye. We’ll lock the shoreline down,” the pirate promised with the fairy’s nod.

“Good,” and with a wave of her fingers, walkie-talkies from the Sheriff’s Department materialized in Grumpy’s, Ruby’s, Hook’s, and Belle’s hands. “Use these to communicate with each other as well as myself, Snow White, and Prince James.”

“As for the rest of you,” Regina declared, turning to the crowd, “Patrol. Explore. Be safe! But keep your eyes open. Just because we think she was at the farm doesn’t mean she’s going to stay there. If you see her, don’t rush her. Approach slowly and call either me, Snow White, or the Prince.”

She waved her hands, and everyone’s pockets started emitting purple smoke. “I just put my phone number into your phones. This is a one-time emergency situation. If I start getting drunk dials and texts after we find Emma safe and alive,” she paused for emphasis, allowing an old Evil Queen grin to spread, “Well, I may be reformed but I can still make you highly uncomfortable.”

The crowd started marching for the door, chuckling at her remark. Grumpy and the dwarves stopped in front of her. “Don’t worry, Madam Mayor,” he said, “Snow White’s daughter is in danger? The dwarves will do what we have to do to help her. Let’s go to work boys!”

Regina watched the crowd disperse, impressed as ever with their devotion. _I just hope it’s going to be in time._


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I don't own the show, characters, etc. Just borrowing. Any resemblance to any real people, places, or events is entirely coincidental. 
> 
> Enjoy!

* * *

_And this is why my eyes are closed_  
It's just as well for all I've seen  
And so it goes, and so it goes  
And you're the only one who knows

* * *

20 November 2014

* * *

_Creak_

_Squeak_

_Groan_

Regina eased her way across the old farmhouse’s porch, blessing her decision to change into hiking shoes for the added dexterity and quietened footsteps. Tromping around in her heels would have sounded like a military division marching through the house. If Emma was still in the farmhouse, the last thing she wanted was to spook her. The creaking floorboards were bad enough. When another one squeaked in protest under her tentative step forward, she cursed the farmhouse itself. Whether it was Zelena or Emma, they had spent far too much time trying to gain silent entry. “When I drag you out of here, Emma Swan, I’m going to fireball this godforsaken house to the ground,” she hissed.

The doorknob turned without making any noise, and she put as much pressure on the door itself so that the hinges stayed quiet. She almost coughed on the stale air, choked with dust and decay that permeated the foyer.

To her immediate left was a study with weathered bookcases holding nothing but cobwebs. A desk sat in the middle of the room, remarkably still supporting a pen holder and antique lamp. No signs of Emma or really anyone having used that room in what looked to have been decades, if ever. The dark curse worked in ways she still had trouble figuring out.

Back across the foyer was a formal dining room. The long, rectangular table was set with table service for six, as if standing at the ready for a dinner party. In the corner sat a wood-fired stove that still held two white ceramic pots and one light blue.

Searching the rest of the main floor turned up nothing but a dusty kitchen and powder room. “Of course that would have been too easy to find her on the main floor,” Regina muttered. She made her way to the stairs, keeping her eyes on the floor the whole time. The house had seen more use than ever before when Zelena was in residence, but enough dust had fallen since her death that Regina was hoping to see indications of Emma’s movements within the house.

The stairs gave her no more answers than the main floor. Either Emma had learned to use a broom or she was deliberately obscuring exactly the clue Regina was trying to find. The thought made her shake her head. Of course Emma had swept the floors on purpose – she’d spent years tracking down people who didn’t want to be found, so she had to learn a few tricks of the trade.

The upstairs was exactly as she remembered from their search after taking care of Zelena. A mixture of weathered paint on the woodwork, exposed brick giving it a more rustic appearance, and threadbare carpets. No signs of Emma. It didn’t even appear as if the beds had been used. The whole house gave off the impression of a place that hadn’t seen any residents beyond her unlamented half-sister.

Regina blew out a frustrated breath. She had been so sure Emma had taken up residence in the farm house, but nothing so far told her that the blonde had ever been there. Before she could poke around the main floor any further, her cell phone buzzed. Fishing it out of her pocket, she saw a text from Belle informing her that there were signs that Emma had been to the clock tower.

With a growl, she flicked her wrists and teleported to the tower, appearing directly behind the librarian, who still had her phone in hand. “You rang, Ms. French?”

The other woman jumped almost through the roof. “Oh my gosh!”

“Sorry,” Regina apologized with a slight shrug, “I should have announced myself. Your text said you found something that made you think that Emma has been here?”

Catching her breath, Belle accepted the apology with a nod. “Yes, actually. There’s a beanie of hers in the corner,” she pointed, indicating, “and the face of the clock, the part that opens, isn’t as dusty as the rest of the window area. She’s not up here right now, but I think she’s been here.”

Scanning the small rotunda, Regina saw the signs Belle pointed out. She was right. Emma had been here, at least once. Huffing, she put her hands on her hips. “Okay, here’s what we’re going to do. This is too big for one person to cover adequately. I’m going to go back to the farmhouse. Before I go, I’ll put a barrier spell on the library building. That should stop her from both climbing to the top of the tower, and with any luck from going down into the mines.”

“What about me?” Belle wanted to know.

“If you could stay up here and keep an eye on the town that would be most helpful. This is still the best vantage point in Storybrooke,” Regina requested. She called on her magic and transported a pair of powerful binoculars. “These should allow you to see as far as the woods and the harbor.”

“Thank you, Regina. I’ll do my best,” promised Belle.

About to teleport herself back to the farm house, Regina stopped when her phone buzzed again, this time from Hook on his ship. She made a mental note to talk to Rumple someday about exactly what he put into his Dark Curse to make it so that Storybrooke had some of the best cellular reception in the world.

“I need to get out to the _Jolly Roger_. Let me know if you see anything from Emma,” she said.

With Belle’s promise, she changed her mind’s eye from the farm house to the ship, and after a swirl of purple smoke, she was on its rocking deck. Unlike the librarian, Hook merely cocked a jaunty eyebrow. “Majesty,” he greeted.

Regina nodded in response, too busy fighting off flashbacks from the last time she was aoard the _Jolly Roger_. Neverland. Henry missing. So much danger. Shaking her head, she forced her mind back to the present. “What was so urgent that needed my physical presence, Hook?”

The eyebrow went ever higher, but the smirk faded. “Right, to business then. I haven’t seen anything of Emma on the docks or shoreline. Nor has Tink,” he added, looking up to the crow’s nest where Regina indeed saw the fairy, “but she was here at one time.”

Rolling her eyes, Regina tried to avoid incinerating the pirate where he stood. “I _know_ she was here once, pirate. We all sailed to Neverland and back, remember? Then the two of you were…whatever it is you were doing. Of course she was on board.”

To her immense irritation, Hook actually chuckled. “No, I mean she was aboard recently.” Gesturing with his hook, he led her to a corner of the foredeck. “Here. She must have used our distractions on land to hide here for a while.”

She saw the evidence that someone indeed had been there. A lavender-colored sleeping bag that clearly didn’t belong to the pirate lay rolled up in a corner. Trapped in the folded opening was a tangle of blonde hair. “Not Tinkerbelle’s, I assume?” Regina asked dryly.

Hook shook his head. “Not likely.”

She sighed. “Okay. We’re getting a better idea of her movements. Belle said she’d been up in the clock tower, too. Since I can’t be here to hold your hand, here’s what I’m going to do: I’ll put up a barrier spell on the ship that will allow everyone except Emma to board and leave.”

Gesturing around with his one good hand, Hook looked at her with a small degree of petulance. “Why can’t you do that for the entire harbor?”

With an eye roll, Regina drew herself to her full height, not an easy feat considering she was still hiding her wobbly knees. “Casting spells takes physical energy. I could conjure you an apple right here and it wouldn’t feel any more taxing than walking up a flight of stairs. Teleporting and barrier spells are much worse. I’ve already teleported twice in the last thirty minutes. If I cast a barrier spell over the entire harbor, I’d be exhausted for several hours. Blocking this ship will be bad enough”

Her tone was enough to keep the pirate from making any snide replies. With a long-suffering sigh, she raised her hands to enact the barrier spell. The _Jolly Roger_ shimmered for a moment in the afternoon sunlight, appearing almost ethereal, before it faded. The spell taxed her strength and it was several moments before Regina trusted her legs enough to support her. “There. Now there is no way Emma Swan can come aboard your ship. Keep scouting the shoreline, but I would suggest focusing on the harbor. Let me know if you see her,” Regina instructed.

With Hook’s silent nod, she made to teleport, but once more her phone buzzed. “Damn it all!” she cursed, reaching for the device. Ruby. Asking for her presence. Cursing people that didn’t seem to be able to act without her, Regina shoved the phone back into her pocket and called her magic to teleport her once more, not even sparing Hook a backward glance.

As she rematerialized on the street in front of the bed and breakfast as requested, Regina staggered back. The amount of magic she’d expended had drained her resources worse than she had expected. She looked around for the werewolf, finally spotting a flash of red waving from inside the building.

She trudged into the lobby, willing her tired body to keep upright. “What is it, Ruby?”

The werewolf gave her a curious glance, but when Regina shot her a glare, shrugged it off. “Emma’s jacket. I found it in one of the rooms upstairs when I came back for some coffee and Granny asked me to take a look around. There was a bunch of other stuff up there, like toiletries and some old clothes, so she might have been staying there for a while.”

Regina groaned, but refrained from showing the weakness of putting her head in her hands. Various sightings of Emma had her running in circles, not to mention expending most of her magical capabilities. “Let me guess: she’s not there now.”

“No, sorry,” Ruby apologized, “Have you had any luck yet?”

“Not at the farm house, clock tower or Hook’s ship,” replied the mayor with a shake of her head, “I swear it’s like the woman has completely vanished into thin air.”

Ruby echoed her groan, sitting down on one of the chairs. “Think, Ruby! Think! Where would I go if I were Emma?”

Watching the younger woman try to think like Emma Swan, Regina was struck by the depth of the town’s devotion to Emma. Not a single person she’d seen today, certainly not the waitress in front of her, was less than totally committed to finding their missing Sheriff. Which unfortunately didn’t provide any answers as to why she’d gone missing, possibly to cause herself great harm.

Her phone startled her out of her thoughts once more. After wearily plucking it from her pocket, Regina saw she had a new text from Robin. When she read the message, her blood ran cold. “Gotta run,” she told Ruby, calling her dwindling magic once more to teleport.

**Come to the cemetery as soon as possible. It’s about Emma.**

* * *

By good fortune, she appeared next to a very tall headstone – she seriously needed to talk to Rumple about the curse if he somehow had the foresight to include an empty cemetery to make Storybrooke appear even more like a normal American town – that she leaned on heavily for a few moments. If the matter wasn’t as urgent as saving Emma, she would be in her own home right now, lying on the couch or, preferably in bed, while her magic recovered.

Forcing back her fatigue, Regina took a deep breath and rose to her full height, looking around for Robin and his Merry Men. After a brief turn, she spotted them in the last place she would have imagined. A cluster of the men stood around her mausoleum. The ever-present feeling of dread grew exponentially.

She strode up to the group, hoping her weakness wasn’t as apparent as it felt. No such luck. “Regina? Are you all right? What happened?” Robin asked, his face full of concern.

Waving him off, Regina took a steadying breath. “Nothing to worry about. Just expended a lot of magic in the last couple hours and need to recover. Which I will do when we find Emma, and not before, so what did you need to show me?”

He gaped at her for a moment, but evidently decided there was nothing to be said. Without a word, he turned and gestured.

Not having seen the building for the men standing in front of it, Regina’s first glimpse of the devastation was up close and personal. The angel statue which had stood for decades was crumbled into pieces on the ground. The strong wrought iron doors had been wrenched almost entirely off their hinges, the metal bent at sharp angles as if an ogre or giant had happened on the structure and decided to rip the entrance apart. “What the hell happened here?”

“No idea. We were searching this part of the woods and found this. It wasn’t anyone from Storybrooke, we know that.”

“Well so do I,” she retorted, “I put a barrier spell on this building so strong that even Rumpelstiltskin himself would have been hard-pressed to break it.”

Robin scratched his neck while the men shuffled around uncomfortably. “So, what could have done this?”

Regina’s eyes grew huge. “Emma,” she breathed, “if concentrated enough, the Savior’s light magic would have been strong enough to break the spell and open the building through sheer brute force, but I didn’t think she was able to call her magic that strongly by herself yet.”

“I guess she is,” the former thief hazarded.

Determination forming, she set her jaw and looked around. “Take your men and keep searching the woods. I have to go down there and see if she’s stolen anything.” They tried to protest, offering to stand guard, but she waved them off.

Without a look, she walked with more confidence than she felt into the small structure. The truth was that if Emma could have broken her barrier spell, she probably had gone into her vault and stolen essentially anything that her heart desired.

Regina’s heart started to pound at the implications of a possibly suicidal Emma Swan with access to one of the most powerful collections of magical items and potions assembled outside the Dark One’s own vaults.

She gulped, and walked down the stairs.

* * *

Something was off.

To anyone else, the vault would have looked like it was undisturbed. Boxes of books, artifacts, and trinkets lined the walls where she had left them, while her locked cases of potions were essentially where they were supposed to be.

Essentially.

Her eye for details picked out the marks in the dust where different containers had been resting before someone had moved them. They were small, but there. A ring here, a square there. She was more certain than ever that Emma had rifled through her collection.

For the Savior to have broken her barrier spell, and as violently as the doors had been wrenched open, she had to have been in more control of her magic than Regina had ever seen her. For the same Emma who’d penned the letter about to have that much control over magic that powerful…

Her blood ran cold at the thought.

They had to find Emma Swan.

Now.

* * *

Regina had never teleported herself anywhere when her magic was as depleted as it was, but finding her crypt’s barrier spell broken so violently and the contents rifled moved up the deadline for finding Emma safe and sound. To make things easier on her, rather than teleport to the yard in front of the farm house or even to its front porch, she called into her mind the layout of the living room and appeared on the ratty couch. Normally she wouldn’t have allowed herself to even come into contact with something so old and threadbare, but with her energy nearly depleted, it felt like the finest mattress in the world.

Her eyes fluttered shut in a moment enjoying the pure bliss of silence.

Until it was broken.

“I figured I’d find you here,” came the familiar accented voice from the front door.

Still too drained to even groan, Regina allowed a brief whimper to escape. “What do you want, Robin? I thought I told you to watch the woods.”

Slow footsteps moving steadily into the living room belied a swagger. “My men are out looking. I knew you were coming back here, so I came here directly. You’ve been so busy with this search for Emma Swan that we haven’t had the chance to spend any time together.”

She forced herself to open her eyes and sit up. “Emma’s life is in danger, probably from herself. Not to mention that Gold and the Snow Queen have to be looking for her, too. Finding her is my only priority right now.”

He sat next to her and slid an arm around her shoulders, using a mockery of comfort to hide his true intention. “I know, and that’s important, but she’s not going anywhere, right? She wouldn’t leave her son behind. So why don’t we spend some more quality time together? Roland is with the Merry Men at camp, so we have all evening to ourselves.”

Throwing him a sidelong glare, Regina pointedly removed his hand from around her. “I don’t have time for that. The only person I’ve ever called a best friend is in mortal danger. You can wait a little longer for some physicality.”

He sighed, frustration oozing from his expression. “I know she’s important to you, but do you really think she’d kill herself? She probably just wanted a little extra attention.”

“A little extra attention? She’s personally saved this town several times, not to mention how many times she’s saved my life. The very least I can do is put my all into returning the favor, even if I have to save her from herself,” her voice began to crack, but she was past caring, “I’ve failed her too much over the past few weeks. I can’t – I won’t – fail her again.”

Robin sat forward, rubbing his forehead with the heels of his palms. “How long is Emma Swan’s ghost going to hang over our relationship, preventing us from moving forward?”

She gaped at him. “As I recall, you were only too happy to run off when Emma Swan’s ghost brought back the ghost of your own wife. You were pretty damn happy then to keep honest to your vows, if I recall. Now that your wife is frozen solid – alive only because of me, I might add and you’re welcome for that – you want to rekindle our relationship while I’m trying to save someone’s life? What am I, the nearest warm body? Any port in a storm?”

“No, no, Regina! You know that’s not true!”

“I’m starting to wonder about that. You keep promising devotion, but whenever the rubber meets the road, you’re going back to Marian with vague words about responsibility and vows. Well, you know what? You’re right. You have an obligation to your wife. And now, you need to go fulfill that obligation. Get the hell away from me, out of this house, and stay with your men in the camp,” she spat the words like bullets, rising to her feet and balling her hands into fists to prevent her magic from obliterating him from existence.

Robin matched her stance, but as always he backed down. Without another word, he shot her a parting glare and left the house, slamming the door.

With the reverberations of the door around the house, Regina exhaled. One less problem for her to worry about was all well and good, but it still didn’t erase the big problem on her hands. Still bone-weary, she flopped back down on the couch, intending to take a short nap to recharge herself and her magic.

Regina closed her eyes, willing the oblivion of slumber to overtake her, but her mind refused to calm, going over everything that had happened. After chasing around Storybrooke

She finally rolled over, cursing her inability to find sleep. When her eyes opened, they landed on a door that she hadn’t noticed before. There seemed to be a tiny amount of light coming through the gap at the bottom. Curiosity growing, Regina remembered searching the main and upper floors before getting called on her wild-goose chase. She moved to the door, fatigue forgotten, and carefully pulled it open, trying to eliminate noises from the rusty hinges. Before her was a dusty, dark stairway leading down.

As she moved down the stairs on the balls of her feet, she noted the near-total lack of noise. The old wood should have creaked like Granny’s knees, but the stairs didn’t announce her presence. The ambient light decreased with every step down so that by the time she reached the bottom, Regina couldn’t have seen her fingers in front of her face. Normally darkness never worried her, but something about the stillness of her former sister’s former basement was unnerving. Feeling her magic growing, she risked expending a bit of it on a small fireball in her hand.

When she saw what lay in front of her, the shock alone put out the fire. Regina fumbled blindly for a light switch, tripping over buckets and boards until she finally located a pull string. The feeble glow of a 40-watt bulb was only just strong enough to banish the darkness.

Mouth gaping in horror, Regina took in the sight of Storybrooke’s Savior, lying still on a pile of old rags in what looked like a long-disused animal cage. Emma Swan was a still as death, without the rise and fall of a breathing chest to give hope. When she lunged for the cage’s door, a barrier spell stronger than she had ever felt flung her backward. Regina saw the faint traces of glimmering white fade away, confirming that there was a dome of protection over Emma’s resting place.

Knowing there was nothing she could do, Regina stumbled blindly up the stairs, tears falling so thickly she didn’t even note when the basement’s blackness gave way to the light of the main floor. She cuffed her eyes, clearing her vision just enough to get her phone out.

Before sending out a mass text message instructing everyone to meet her back at Granny’s, Regina called Snow. In any other moment of her life, she would have gladly given any reward to be able to break her former stepdaughter’s heart with bad news. After seeing Emma, Regina would have promised everything she had except her son to avoid the coming conversation.

Snow answered on the first ring. _“Regina? What is it?”_

Regina tried to swallow the lump in her throat, but it was an exercise in futility. “Get everyone to Granny’s,” she croaked, “I found her. I found Emma.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thus ends part 1. I hope you liked reading it as much as I liked writing it.


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